


Simon Says

by Only_theangel



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, Larry - Fandom, Larry Stylinson - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band), stylinson - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Closeted Character, Depression, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorder, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson Get Married, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, M/M, Marriage, Mild Smut, Sad, Self Harm, Simon Cowell Being An Asshole, Song Lyrics, Suicide, Swearing, Time Skips, Writing, kendall jenner is a beard, mitch rowland - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:34:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 37
Words: 60,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28615185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Only_theangel/pseuds/Only_theangel
Summary: Grief is deafening. Grief is so deafening that you sit on their side of the bed in silence, hoping if you're silent enough, you can hear their laugh again. Grief is loud. Grief is so loud that no matter how loud you play their favorite songs, it's all you can hear.Grief is paralyzing. Grief is so paralyzing that you can't get out of bed long enough to take a shower. Grief is destructive.Grief is what Harry has been suffering from for more than a year. Grief is what has taken everything from Harry. Grief has taken every good memory, every friend, every family member, every fan, every godforsaken song he's ever sang.Grief is what Harry is trying to drown every time he opens a new bottle of whiskey.Grief is what Louis has left Harry with. After 7 years, Louis decided that Harry would never be happy again, at least that's how Harry sees it._Or a fic where Harry meets Louis and starts his path to fame
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Kendall Jenner/Harry Styles, Larry Stylinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I am in no way, shape, or form saying this is 100% what happened, these are FICTIONAL events
> 
> *IMPORTANT*
> 
> I have linked a playlist. Each chapter starts out with a song, unless noted differently.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/31pblwd75z6ev4rqecv53d3y3y3u?si=tYN-110lSg6g5fxv58BN3Q

Grief is deafening. Grief is so deafening that you sit on their side of the bed in silence, hoping if you're silent enough, you can hear their laugh again. Grief is loud. Grief is so loud that no matter how loud you play their favorite songs, it's all you can hear.

Grief is paralyzing. Grief is so paralyzing that you can't get out of bed long enough to take a shower. Grief is destructive.

Grief is what Harry has been suffering from for more than a year. Grief is what has taken everything from Harry. Grief has taken every good memory, every friend, every family member, every fan, every godforsaken song he's ever sang.

Grief is what Harry is trying to drown every time he opens a new bottle of whiskey.

Grief is what Louis has left Harry with. After 7 years, Louis decided that Harry would never be happy again, at least that's how Harry sees it.

Grief is nowhere near as destructive as the way that Harry can almost swear he heard Louis quietly singing in their bathroom. Grief is nowhere near as destructive as the way Harry is certain that he smelled Louis cooking his favorite meal.

Grief is nowhere near as destructive as the way Harry drowns himself in whiskey every time he smells Louis' cigarettes when he goes on their balcony.

Grief is nowhere near as destructive as the way Harry cries himself to sleep every time he remembers that Louis isn't going to be in bed with him the way he had been in bed with him for almost 10 years. With all of this being said, grief is nowhere near as destructive as guilt is.

The guilt is what kills Harry the most. What if he had just been open about who he really was? What if he had never become famous? What if he had never asked Louis to come over? What if he had stopped touring to take care of him? What if he had just loved Louis the way he begged Harry to love him?

Harry has been going over what-ifs since the day he walked into their house a year ago to find Louis there, helpless. Harry has been begging whatever god is out there to take him and bring Louis back. Harry has been screaming at the sky every day for a year. Harry has been going back over every single day they had together for a year, trying to figure out where he had gone wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

Louis was certain that he was imagining the whole interaction. He had to be. Because nobody like him would ever look at somebody like Louis the way he was looking at Louis.

Today was a rainy day in London, which was no surprise to anyone who had lived there for more than 6 months. Instead of going to his uni class like he had promised his mum, Louis had decided to go down to his local coffee shop to get some work done.

Louis was studying to be a teacher. He had spent a lot of time teaching his younger siblings when his mum was at work, so it came naturally to him. As much as Louis wanted to be a teacher, he couldn't quite convince himself to go to his classes.

They were long and drawn out and all Louis could think about during them was how much he'd prefer to be in bed.

When Louis decided to skip out on his classes today, he had never imagined he would run into this situation. After getting settled into his seat in the corner of the coffee shop, he started reading over his lectures.

Louis had his sweater sleeves pulled up over his cold hands, sipping on his mediocre coffee. He was almost ready to give up and go back to bed. That was until a gorgeous, brown-headed boy walked into the coffee shop holding a guitar.

Louis felt his heart drop, his eyes bulging out of his head as soon as the boy took a step on the small stage centered in the room. The boy made quick eye contact with Louis, his dimples showing.

Louis tried to scramble out of there as quickly as possible, worried he would make a fool of himself in front of this beautiful boy, but when he opened his mouth to sing, Louis was glued to his chair.

The boy's voice was smooth, with just a hint of roughness. The more Louis looked at the boy's dimples, the more he wanted to curl up in them and take a nap. The boy's hair was curly, much curlier than Louis would've normally liked on a normal boy.

But somehow, Louis knew this boy was no normal boy. The boy's eyes locked onto Louis' as he sang. Louis couldn't have cared less what the song was, he was too busy falling in love. Louis had never been so entranced with another boy. Sure, he had experienced minor crushes on the boys in his classes, but he'd never felt like this from just a glance.

Louis was convinced that he could hear this boy sing this song a million times over, and he'd never get tired of it. From the looks of it, the boy wouldn't mind singing it to Louis a million times. Louis listens intently as the boy sings more songs, each one somehow better than the last. As the boy sings his last song, Louis' heart drops. He wanted this boy to keep singing, he never wanted him to stop.

Louis watches as the boy swiftly moves the guitar from his shoulders, placing it on the chair next to him. "Thank you..." The boy softly repeats, blushing. Louis is quickly thrown into a fit of panic when the beautiful boy hops off the stage, walking toward the table Louis is currently sat at. "Shit. Shit. Shit." Louis mumbles, quickly pushing his hair off his face.

Louis was in no state to be meeting a boy as beautiful as this one. He hadn't even brushed his hair this morning. He was wearing the sweater he slept in last night, and he had barely run the toothbrush across his teeth. He hadn't imagined he'd meet the most beautiful boy he's ever seen in his whole life today.

"Uh, hi... I'm Harry." The boy says, holding his hand out for Louis to shake. Louis glances at the boy's hand, feeling his cheeks redden. He had never seen such beautiful hands on a boy, much less a boy as young as this one had to be. He couldn't have been older than 16.

Why was this boy coming over here? Louis wasn't complaining, but he was a little confused. Louis was nothing special. He wasn't tall, he wasn't extremely fit, he wasn't extremely smart... Louis was just... Louis.

At least that's what he thought about himself. If you asked any of his siblings, they'd go on and on about how Louis is the best big brother because he always sneaks them sweets and lets them watch scary movies.

Louis quickly pulls himself out of his thoughts, reaching across the table to shake Harry's hand. "I'm Louis. You did great up there." He states, hoping he's not making a complete fool of himself. Louis watches as Harry blushes, looking down at the table. Louis absolutely swoons over the way Harry's dimples form.

"Thanks. I'm trying to get practice before I go on the X-Factor next week." Harry mumbles. Louis raises his eyebrows, pulling out the seat beside him. He motions for Harry to sit with him. "The X-Factor? That's impressive." Louis tells the blushing boy. Harry quickly sits next to him, scooting the chair closer to Louis.

"Really? I think it's kind of stupid. My mum signed me up." Harry responds, his green eyes sparkling. Louis frowns, furrowing his eyebrows. He hated when people were made to feel stupid about what they were passionate about, and there was no doubt that the boy beside him felt passionate about singing.

Louis wondered who said something to him to make him feel like he shouldn't be passionate about singing. Louis shakes his head, putting a hand on Harry's own. "H, that's impressive!" He exclaims, trying to ignore Harry's smile at the newly found nickname.

"The thought of signing in front of people makes me sick! I can't imagine doing it in front of judges. You're a great singer, nothing about it is stupid." Louis reassures him. He isn't sure why he feels so protective over the young boy, but he does. All he wants to do is make sure that no one ever hurts Harry again.

"Singing in front of people isn't that scary, you kinda get used to it when your mum makes you sing anytime there's a talent show at school." Harry jokes, his cheeks still red. Louis smiles, pulling the sleeves of his sweater over his hands once again. It was drafty in the small coffee shop, but every time the boy beside him smiled, Louis felt a little warmer.

Harry bites his bottom lip as if he's about to say something he's going to regret.

"Uh, this might be weird, but I was wondering if you wanted to come over to my place sometime, to help me practice. It feels good to have someone listening to me, and you can even tell me I suck and I won't get mad I know we don't really know each other, but I think it could be fun. I'm homeschooled so I don't really have anyone else to help me." Harry offers, rambling. Louis smiles. Harry wanted to see him again? Harry wanted him to be the one he sang in front of? How could Louis ever turn those dimples down?

"That's not weird at all. I'll be there."


	3. Chapter 3

"Harry, stop joking around. You have to be serious, your audition is in less than 24 hours!" Louis scolds, throwing popcorn at Harry. Harry quickly opens his mouth, throwing his head back, catching the popcorn in his mouth.

Louis rolls his eyes. How is this beautiful boy so damn good at everything? He had been going over to Harry's house every day for a week straight, and today was the last day he was going to come over.

Harry's audition was tomorrow morning, and Harry had decided that he was done practicing apparently. Harry was no longer singing, just strumming his guitar and singing nonsense.

"Lou, come on. I just want to have fun. I'm sick of practicing." Harry groans, flopping on top of Louis where he was lying on the couch. Louis grunts as he feels Harry's elbow in his rib. This couch was way too small for both of them.

"You need to practice. Aren't you worried you'll get on stage in front of everyone and forget the words?" Louis questions, pushing Harry off of him as he sits up. Harry pouts, crossing his arms. "I wasn't until you said that." He grumbles. Louis smiles, rolling his eyes again. For a 16-year-old, Harry really liked to pout.

Louis had grown quite fond of Harry over the past couple of days. He was unlike any boy he had ever met before. Louis had developed a crush on Harry and he had no intention of telling him. Harry was different than Louis, he could tell. He didn't want to scare him off.

"H, I'm joking. You're the best singer there is, you could never mess up. And even if you do, all you have to do is flash your beautiful dimples at the judges and they'll let you through." Louis says, trying to cheer him up.

Harry's face breaks out in a grin. "You think my dimples are beautiful?" He asks, his cheeks reddening. Louis groans. This boy was insufferable sometimes. He always found a way to get a compliment out of Louis, even though Louis tried his best not to over-do it with compliments. "Yes. Now, get back up and practice." He tells Harry, handing him his guitar.

When Harry stands up, walking in front of the couch Louis is sat on. As soon as Harry opens his mouth to start singing, they hear the door to the basement open.

"Boys? I've made dinner if you're not too busy practicing." Anne says, shooting the boys a warm smile. Harry quickly puts the guitar down, pushing past his mum, and running up the stairs. Anne turns to look at Louis, her face covered in a grin. "If I had known he was that hungry I would've started cooking earlier." Anne jokes, heading up the stairs.

Louis follows close behind, shaking his head. "He's just trying to get out of practicing." He tells her, sitting next to Harry at the table. This had become their routine over the last week. Harry would practice for a couple of hours, Louis would listen while he did his schoolwork, Anne would make dinner, and they'd all sit down together.

Anne takes a seat next to them, digging into her food. Gemma, Harry's sister, is sat next to Harry.

"What time will you be here in the morning, Louis?" Gemma asks, shooting an evil smile to Harry. Louis furrows his eyebrows. What was she talking about? Harry hadn't mentioned anything about Louis coming over in the morning.

Harry's eyes widen, choking on the water he's drinking. "Gem!" He groans out. Anne frowns, looking at Gemma. "Gem, don't terrorize your brother." She scolds, knowing Gemma is up to something. Gemma smiles, loving the tension she's causing.

"You haven't asked him?" Gemma asks.

Harry shakes his head, blushing. "Ask me what, H?" Louis asks, turning to face him. Harry bites his bottom lip, his eyes glancing back and forth from his mum to Louis. Louis has discovered that Harry is an awfully shy person, which is quite ironic for what he's going to be doing tomorrow.

"I uh... I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come to my audition? You don't have to... I just thought it'd be nice, because you've helped me a lot, and you calm me down. But if you have to go to class or something, I understand." Harry rambles, his face reddening by the second.

Harry wanted Louis to go to his audition? Louis had been dreading the last day he'd be able to help Harry practice, worrying that he would never see him again. But here Harry is, asking Louis to continue this journey with him. Louis smiles, feeling a sense of joy in him that he hadn't felt before.

"Harry, I don't care if I had an exam in every class tomorrow, I'm going with you. I'm excited to see my best mate become a star." Louis tells him, placing his hand on Harry's knee, giving him a reassuring squeeze.

Louis' heart dropped just a tad when he called Harry his best mate. Harry was his best mate, but Louis felt he was much more than that. Louis didn't know why he was feeling this way, because he had just met Harry. There was just something about Harry that drew Louis in.

Harry smiles, throwing his arms around Louis' neck. "Thank you, Lou!! I'm so glad you're gonna be there with me." Harry mumbles, nuzzling his face in Louis' neck. Louis wraps his arms around Harry's back, clearing his throat. Anne gave the boys a warm smile, placing her hands over her heart.

After the boys got done eating, they go down to the basement for one last practice. Harry quietly strums on the guitar, biting his lip again. Louis is laying on the floor, on his stomach. He's got his textbooks sprawled out in front of him.

He quickly glances at Harry, frowning when he sees him biting his lip. "H, you gotta stop that. Just ask me whatever it is that you're scared of asking me." Louis teases, throwing his pencil at Harry's head.

Harry dodges the pencil just in time, halting his movements on the guitar. "I'm not scared." He defends, lying down next to Louis on his back. Louis turns over on his back, scooting closer to Harry. His heart flutters when their shoulders touch.

Over the past week, the boys had each been stealing quick touches from each other. Harry loved to crawl all over Louis when Louis was laid on the couch. Louis loved poking Harry's tummy. They just loved being around each other and they always felt like they could never get enough.

"Then stop torturing your bottom lip," Louis jokes, sticking his finger out and poking Harry's lip. Harry blushes, looking away from Louis. Louis listens as Harry takes a deep breath, drumming his fingers on his chest. He was clearly nervous, but Louis didn't know what it was about. He had already agreed to coming to his audition tomorrow, what else was Harry going to ask him about?

"Since you have to be here so early tomorrow, and it's already kind of late, I was wondering if you wanted to stay over tonight," Harry mumbles, still not looking at Louis.

Louis sucks in a sharp breath, feeling his heart stop. He had been secretly hoping that Harry would ask him to stay over at least once this week. He just hated leaving Harry. It didn't feel right to leave him here and go home to his dorm all alone. Louis rolls over on his stomach again, propping himself up on his forearms.

"I'd love to stay over. Haven't you learned that I can't say no to you?" Louis asks, giving Harry a smile. Louis watches as Harry darts his tongue out to lick his bottom lip where Louis had recently poked it. Harry's eyes slowly searched Louis', trying to read his expression.

Harry quickly nuzzles closer to Louis, so that his shoulder is resting against Louis' forearm. Louis bites his lip, a habit he's slowly picking up from Harry. When Louis releases his lip, he takes a deep breath.

He couldn't believe what he was about to do. Of course, he had thought about it every day for a week straight. All he could do lately was think about Harry's lips on his. He had been dying to do it, but never thought that Harry wanted it.

Louis had never thought Harry was into guys, but the way he was looking at him right now, there was no doubt about it.

Louis slowly drops his head down, so his nose was touching Harry's. His heart was beating so fast that he could hear it in his ears and feel it in his fingers.

Harry takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. Louis feels Harry's shoulder slightly shaking next to his. Louis ghosts his lips over Harry's pink lips, almost kissing him. Harry breathes out a shaky breath, not quite closing the gap between the two boys.

As soon as Louis goes to close the gap, the basement door opens. Louis' head snaps up, seeing Anne. Anne's eyes dart back and forth between Louis and Harry, a small smile on her lips. Louis clears his throat, scooting away from Harry.

"If we're going to leave early in the morning, we all need to get to bed," Anne tells them, the smile never leaving her lips. Louis looks over at Harry to see his face redder than he's ever seen it.

Harry slowly nods, standing up. Louis copies his movements, following Harry up the stairs. Once they reach Harry's bedroom, Harry is digging through one of his drawers. He hands Louis a pair of sweats, his back turned to him. "Here, you can sleep in these." Harry mumbles. Louis gently takes the sweats from Harry's shaking hand, murmuring a quiet "thanks".

Once Harry gets ready for bed, he takes his spot next to Louis. The two boys are so far apart that they're almost falling off of the edges of the bed. Louis closes his eyes, feeling a tear threatening to slip out. What happened? Did Harry not want Louis to kiss him? Louis takes a deep breath, rolling over on his side. Maybe Louis was wrong and Harry wasn't into guys...

Louis pulls the blankets up to his chin, nuzzling into the pillow. Harry stares straight at the ceiling, his hands resting on his chest. It was like he was afraid to get too close to Louis, scared something else would happen.

Louis found himself suddenly dreading tomorrow morning, hoping Harry wouldn't change his mind about him going to the audition with him.


	4. Chapter 4

"Lou... Wake up. We have to leave in 30 minutes." Harry mumbles, shaking Louis' shoulder. Louis groans, pulling the pillow over his face. "Don't wanna," Louis mumbles back. Last night Louis had dreamt about Harry, and he wanted to stay in that dream instead of facing a reality where Harry wasn't gay and no longer wanted Louis around.

Louis couldn't believe that he almost kissed Harry last night. What was he thinking? He probably ruined everything because he decided to be a hormonal 18-year-old boy who couldn't keep it in his pants. He should've talked to Harry first, got a feel for how Harry was feeling.

He's slowly pulled out of his thoughts as he feels Harry's head on his chest, nuzzling into him. Louis pulls the pillow off of his face, looking down at Harry. Harry has his arm draped across Louis' belly, slightly humming the song he's going to be singing today. Louis takes a deep breath, closing his eyes again.

Why was Harry acting like this? Just last night he acted like he would've rather fallen off the bed than to be even remotely close to Louis, and now he couldn't get close enough to him. Louis didn't mind the contact, but he was just a little confused.

"Don't we have to get up now?" Louis asks, resting his arm around Harry's shoulders. Harry nods, but never makes a move to get up. "'M nervous, Lou," Harry whispers. Louis' heart breaks as he feels something wet against his chest. Harry was crying. Louis slowly sits up, making Harry sit up with him.

Louis places his hands on Harry's wet cheeks, looking into his green eyes. "Hey... You have nothing to be nervous about. You're gonna be amazing, I know it. The judges are gonna love you." Louis reassures him. Louis wishes he could tell Harry all of the things he loves about him, but he knows it'd only scare him off.

Louis just wanted to make Harry's fear go away. He couldn't stand to see Harry like this. Harry gives Louis a small smile, slowly nodding.

"You think so?" He asks, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Know so." Louis tells him, swinging his legs off the bed. "Just think about it, this is the last morning you'll ever wake up without people knowing who you are. Trust me."

_

"Lou, I'm gonna throw up." Harry mumbles, turning around to face Louis. They were backstage, waiting on Harry's name to be called. Anne sighs, placing her hand on Harry's back. "Honey, you're going to be fine. You've been practicing for a long time. You have nothing to be worried about." She reassures him. Gemma rolls her eyes. "You're such a drama queen. You're good, and you know it." She tells him. Louis felt terrible that he couldn't make Harry feel better.

As soon as Louis reaches his hand out to Harry, someone calls his name. Harry quickly looks at Louis, his eyes full of anxiety. "I can't. I can't do this." Harry rambles, his eyes wide. Louis grabs him by the shoulders. "Breathe, Harry. I'll be right back here waiting on you." Louis tells him, waiting on Harry to take a deep breath with him.

Harry nods, taking a deep breath. Louis gives him a quick hug before watching Harry walk off to the stage. Anne grabs Louis' hand, squeezing it. "Thank you for coming with him. He loves you. You're his best friend, you know that, right?" Anne tells Louis. Louis nods. Best friend. That's all he'd ever be to Harry. "I love him, too. He's my best mate."

As soon as Harry starts singing, the judges fall in love. Louis watches as Harry charms the judges. Louis has never felt as proud as he feels right now. Harry opens his mouth to sing the song, nailing every note perfectly. He sang it better than he had ever sang it before. When Harry finishes, Louis tries to take a look at the judges.

When the first judge says yes, Harry's jaw drops as he turns around, his eyes meeting Louis'. Louis gives him a thumbs up, smiling from ear to ear. Harry turns back around to face the judges, his cheeks red.

As soon as the fourth judge says yes, Harry is running backstage.

"Louis! I did it!" He squeals, jumping on Louis. Louis stumbles back as Harry wraps his legs around his waist. Louis places his arms around Harry's waist, squeezing him tight. "I knew you could do it!" Louis cheers. "Couldn't do it without you, Lou." Harry mumbles into his neck.

Louis' whole body felt warm at the contact, making him never want to let this boy go. He wanted to hold him in his arms for the rest of his life, never letting him forget how important he is to him.

Harry pulls his face away from Louis' neck, biting his bottom lip. Louis furrows his eyebrows, opening his mouth to ask Harry what was wrong. Harry shuts his eyes, quickly pressing his lips to Louis'.

Louis's eyes widen, right before he closes them. Harry was kissing him. The most beautiful boy he'd ever seen was kissing him. Oh my God, Harry was kissing him in front of Anne and Gemma. What the hell was he thinking?

Last night, Harry hadn't wanted to kiss Louis. And now he was kissing him in front of his family? In public? What had changed?

Harry pulls away, a smile still on his lips. Louis slowly lowers him to the ground, watching as Harry runs over to his mum and sister. Louis runs his fingers through his hair, watching as Harry hugs everyone. Anne and Gemma didn't seem fazed at all by Harry's actions.

Had Harry been talking to them about Louis? Did they know he was going to do it? What did they think about it?

Louis was getting whiplash from Harry's emotions. One minute, he was all over Louis. The next minute, he acted like none of it had ever happened. Did Harry have feelings for Louis?

Louis pushes those thoughts to the back of his head, too proud of his beautiful boy to waste another moment questioning everything.

"I have to come back in a month to do the second round. I have to pick a new song." Harry explains, pushing his hair off of his face. He quickly turns to face Louis.

"You have to help me pick a new song." Harry tells him. Louis nods. "Of course. I'll be here every step of the way." He reassures Harry, trying to catch his breath.

_

It had been almost three weeks since that first audition, since Harry had kissed Louis. Neither one of them have said anything about the kiss, and it was driving Louis crazy. He couldn't focus on any of his schoolwork, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat. All he wanted to do was talk to Harry about that day.

Louis had a million questions he wanted to ask Harry. Did he have feelings for him? Were they more than friends?

"You're not listening to me." Harry groans, stomping his foot on the basement floor. "Sorry. Just thinking." Louis mumbles, shutting his textbook.

Harry frowns, sitting next to Louis on the couch. "I have to go back in two days, you have to listen so you can tell me if I suck." Harry tells Louis, giving him a smile. Louis smiles at him half-heartedly.

He was still so proud of Harry for getting through the first round. Louis had no doubts that Harry could actually win the whole competition. He didn't know why Harry constantly questioned himself.

"I am listening. You sound great, H. You're gonna kill it." Louis reassures Harry.

"What are you thinking about?" Harry asks, biting his lip. Louis sighs, standing up from his seated position. As much as Louis wanted to talk to Harry about everything, he didn't know if he should. What if he ruined everything?

Louis would rather have Harry in his life as a best friend than to not have him in his life at all.

"Nothing. I should probably go, anyway. I have an exam tomorrow." Louis tells him, grabbing his books. Harry frowns, not looking convinced. Harry stands up, walking towards Louis.

"Lou, what's going on? You've been acting weird ever since my audition. Are you jealous?" Harry asks.

Why would Harry think Louis was jealous? He's not the one that wanted to audition for the competition. If there was one thing Louis couldn't stand, it was people assuming things about him.

Why would Harry assume that Louis felt that way? Harry had no idea what Louis was feeling. Louis actually had no idea what he was feeling.

Louis furrows his eyebrows. "Jealous? What on earth would I be jealous about, Harry? I'm not the one that wants to be famous. I am perfectly happy sitting in your basement for you to use me whenever you feel like it." Louis argues.

Harry raises an eyebrow. "Use you? What are you talking about?"

Louis groans, putting his textbooks down. He runs his hands over his face. Why did Louis say anything? He was going to ruin everything. He didn't want to complicate this friendship, but he couldn't keep going on like this.

When Louis doesn't answer, Harry steps towards him, pulling his hands away from his face. "How am I using you?" Harry asks. Louis takes a deep breath. Louis' eyes search Harry's face. Harry seemed genuinely concerned about what Louis was saying.

Louis immediately felt terrible for what he said. He knew Harry wasn't intentionally dragging his heart around. He knew he wasn't intentionally giving him mixed signals, Harry wasn't that kind of person.

"You're not, Harry. I'm just being weird. I'm just confused because I thought we were just best friends but then you lay on me, you sleep in the same bed with me, you kiss me... And then, you act like none of it ever happened. Harry, you're driving me crazy, because I like you a lot." Louis admits, feeling his face warm up.

He couldn't believe he actually said that. But if he was going to confess his feelings, he might as well go for it.

Harry's eyes widen, taking a step away from Louis. "Louis, I'm not gay. I don't like guys. You're my best friend, that's all." Harry tells him, furrowing his eyebrows.

Louis gulps, closing his eyes. This is exactly why he should've kept his mouth shut. What was Harry talking about? He had kissed Louis...

He opens his eyes again, to find Harry's face pale. "But, Harry... You kissed me." Louis whispers, a tear falling from his eyes.

How stupid could Louis be? He was crying over a 16-year-old boy who he had just met a month ago. He couldn't help crying over him, Harry was the most perfect boy he had ever met. Louis felt himself falling quickly, and there was nothing he could do about it.

"Yeah, I didn't mean to. It just happened. I was just excited. It didn't mean anything." Harry says, a look of disgust on his face.

Louis studies Harry's face. Why was he acting like this? Why was he denying that he meant to kiss Louis? Was Harry uncomfortable around Louis? Louis had never directly told Harry he was gay, but he just assumed that Harry knew.

Maybe Harry had no idea and now that he knows, he's freaked out by it.

Louis raises his eyebrow. "Why are you acting like I'm insulting you by assuming you're gay? Is it really my fault that I got that impression? You're always cuddled up to me, asking me to come over... I-"

Louis is quickly cut off from his rant when Harry opens the basement door, standing beside of it. "Out." Harry simply says, his eyes watering. Louis' jaw drops. "You're kicking me out?" He asks, feeling as the lump in his throat grows. Harry closes his eyes, slowly nodding his head.

Louis closes his mouth, his throat tightening. His best friend was kicking him out? Because he was gay? Louis never imagined Harry to be this person. Louis grabs his textbooks, shoving them in his bag.

He tries to stop crying, not wanting to look like an even bigger idiot in front of Harry than he already does. Louis quickly wipes his eyes, pulling his bag over his shoulder. He turns around, giving Harry one last look.

Harry's eyes are still watering, his bottom lip quivering. Louis felt terrible for being the reason Harry was crying, but he knew he was no longer welcome. He just wanted to wrap Harry in his arms and apologize.

Louis quickly pushes by Harry and out the basement door, going up the stairs. When Anne sees him walking up the stairs, she opens her mouth to say something, but quickly shuts it when she realizes he's crying.

Louis doesn't say goodbye to Anne or Gemma, continuing to the door. Maybe Harry just needed a little space. Surely he'd want Louis to come back tomorrow to help him practice again. Louis would give him the space he needed if that's what he wanted.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a week since Harry told Louis to get out, and Louis was miserable.

Growing up with as many siblings as Louis had, he cherished any time he got alone. He always preferred being alone. He didn't need many people to make him happy. It was rare that he found someone he actually wanted to spend time with.

He had grown accustomed to Harry's presence, preferring it over alone time. This was the longest the boys had gone without talking to each other since the first day they met.

Louis would give anything to go back to the way things were before he opened his big mouth.

The problem with Louis' preference of being alone was that sometimes he had the habit of isolating himself. Because he never minded it, he sometimes got too much of it.

That was the case currently.

Since that day, Louis had only left the house once. And that was the day after Harry kicked him out.

Louis went to Harry's house, assuming that he had calmed down and taken some space, and he wanted Louis to come over to help him practice. That was not the case.

Louis knocked and knocked on the door and Harry never came. Louis knew that Harry was home, he could hear him in the house.

That hurt Louis more than being kicked out did. After waiting outside for an hour, Louis finally gave up and went back home.

Since that day, Louis hadn't tried to contact Harry or go to his house. He stayed in the house, watching TV and studying for his classes.

He spent his days on the phone with his mum, telling her everything. She begged him not to let himself get depressed like he normally does when he gets rejected.

Louis had always had the habit of falling hard for people that didn't deserve his love, and when things went bad, Louis would blame it on himself and he'd fall even harder into a pit of despair.

His mum always said he had a flare for the dramatics, but he couldn't help it. When something went wrong, he blamed it on himself. Who else would he blame his problems on? He was the common denominator in all of his problems.

Louis is sitting on his bed, his textbooks sprawled out in front of him. He sighs, tears stinging his eyes. He hadn't been able to study for quite some time, too busy thinking about where things went wrong.

Why didn't people want him? Louis knew he wasn't everyone's type, but he had to be someone's type. Louis truly believed that there was someone out there for everyone, so where was his person? Why did everyone push him away?

Was there something wrong with him?

Louis wipes his eyes, taking a deep breath. He had tried therapy several times, but he never felt like it helped. Louis just couldn't get past the thought that everything was his fault.

It was exhausting. Louis was exhausted.

_

It had been almost four months since the day that Louis showed up to Harry's house, only to find that he wasn't wanted there anymore. The months had dragged on, Louis dreading each passing day.

He thought that time would heal his heart, but it never seemed to get better. Louis had fallen into one of the worst times he's ever had.

Louis hated using the word depressed because he didn't want anyone thinking he needed to be pitied. If there was anything that Louis absolutely despised, it was feeling like he was being pitied.

Louis didn't need pity, he needed help.

Even though Louis was no longer helping Harry practice or attending his performances, he was still cheering Harry on as he watched the X-Factor on TV. Louis found himself swearing at the screen, throwing his pillows, every time one of the judges criticized Harry. Louis wished that he could just tell Harry how perfect he really was, and how miserable Louis was without him.

Did Harry miss Louis? Or was he relieved that he no longer had some weird gay guy hanging out at his house?

No, Harry didn't feel that way about Louis. Harry loved Louis. Harry was Louis' best friend. Or at least, that's what Louis thought. Maybe he was wrong. After what Harry said, maybe he was freaked out about Louis being gay.

Louis is currently lying in his bed, watching Harry's latest performance for the millionth time, when his phone rings.

Louis quickly grabs his phone, lifting it up to his ear, not even bothering looking at the screen. His eyes were too busy staring at his beautiful boy. Watching him on TV was the only way Louis could see his face.

"Lou?" He hears a voice call out. Louis sits straight up, quickly turning off the TV. Harry? It couldn't be. Why would Harry be calling him? Louis pulls the phone away from his ear, focusing on the name on the screen.

Louis' eyes widen, putting the phone up to his ear again. "Harry? Is everything okay?" Louis asks, feeling his heart race. It's silent for a moment before Harry answers.

"Yeah. I was wondering if you wanted to come over? I'm having trouble with one of the songs for the next round and I thought maybe I could use some advice." Harry breathes out.

Louis jumps straight up, putting the phone on speaker. There was no way he was going to turn this opportunity down. He knows his mum would be so upset with him for jumping at Harry's request after four months of absolutely nothing, but Louis was dying just to see him again.

"Y-Yeah. When should I be there?" Louis asks, swearing as his foot gets stuck in the knee-hole of his ripped skinny jeans. He couldn't believe that Harry was inviting him over. He had dreamed about this moment for the past four months, never thinking that it was actually going to happen.

He had dreamed about this moment for the past four months, never thinking that it was actually going to happen   
"Now? Is that okay?" Harry asks. Louis can sense the desperation in Harry's voice.

Louis quickly pulls his stained t-shirt over his head, replacing it with one of his nicer hoodies. He runs his fingers through his hair, double checking his appearance in the mirror. "Yep. That works. I'll be there."


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as Louis is at Harry's door, Harry has his arms wrapped around Louis' neck. Louis wraps his arms around Harry's waist, breathing in the smell of his hair. It had been four months since they had touched each other and Louis could cry at the feeling of having him in his arms again. Harry is the first one to pull away, his face red. 

He was biting his lip again, meaning he needed to tell him something.

"Before we practice, we need to talk." Harry says, almost whispering. He won't look at Louis. Louis quickly nods.

What did Harry want to talk to him about? Louis honestly didn't care if it was the stupidest thing in the world, he would still listen. He had gone four months without hearing Harry's voice in person and he never wanted to go that long without hearing it again.

Harry grabs Louis' hand, leading him downstairs. Harry takes a deep breath, instructing Louis to sit on the couch. Harry stays standing in front of the couch, running his fingers through his hair. "Thank you for coming... I didn't think you would." Harry breathes out. Louis frowns. What was Harry so nervous about?

"H, why wouldn't I come?" Louis asks, reaching out to grab Harry's shaking hand. Harry's wet eyes flicker from their hands, back to the floor. He takes a shaky breath.

"Because of how I acted the last time we hung out. I shouldn't have acted like that. You don't deserve a friend who judges you and then goes four months without speaking to you."

Louis closes his eyes when he hears Harry refer to him as a friend. During these past four months, Louis had still not convinced himself that him and Harry were just friends. Louis' never been in love, but he's pretty damn sure that this is what love feels like.

Louis had tried to convince himself that Harry never had feelings for Louis when they were friends, but he really could't bring himself to believe it. Harry had been in the same bed as him, constantly cuddling him, he even kissed him.

Plus, no one could miss the way that Harry looked at Louis. He looked at Louis like he was in love with him.

Despite what Louis believed, he couldn't force Harry to admit his feelings. That wouldn't be right. If he wasn't comfortable with his feelings, there was nothing that Louis could do about it.

"No, don't apologize. I shouldn't have assumed your sexuality. That was wrong of me." Louis assures Harry.

Louis hated the thought of Harry feeling guilty these past four months. Harry takes another deep breath, pulling his hand away from Louis'.

"That's the thing. I uh... I owe you an apology for getting angry with you about that. I think you might be right." Harry whispers, a tear rolling down his cheek.

Louis' eyes widen. Was this why Harry had been avoiding him? Because he was confused about his sexuality? That's why he had reacted like that when Louis confessed that he had feelings for him?

"What do you mean?" Louis asks. He couldn't bring himself to believe that this was finally happening. He had been dreaming about this moment.

Harry rubs his hands over his face, choking out a sob. Louis frowns, jumping up from his seated position. He wraps Harry up in his arms, pulling him close.

Louis couldn't stand to see Harry crying. He never wanted him to cry again.

"Harry, it's alright. Whatever you're dealing with, you can talk to me about it. I'll never judge you." Louis assures him, rubbing his back. Harry sniffles, pulling away from Louis.

When Louis looks in his red eyes and sees his bottom lip trembling, he makes a promise right then and there that he would never do anything to make Harry cry.

"I think I might be gay. Or at least bisexual. Fuck, I don't know, Lou. I've never thought about another guy the way I think about you. I've never wanted to kiss another guy, or cuddle up to another guy. None of that went through my head until I met you." Harry admits, tears running down his face.

Louis' heart breaks. He couldn't imagine not knowing who you are. Louis had known since 5th grade that he was gay. It had never been a question for him. It had never been something that he struggled with. Louis is who he is, and he isn't going to hide that. But Harry seemed to be struggling with this.

How could Louis be upset with Harry for dropping him for four months? He couldn't. Especially not if he did it so he could try to figure out his feelings. Louis thought that it was kind of brave to do that.

"That's okay. You don't have to put a label on yourself. You can just say that you love who you love, no matter their gender. That's perfectly acceptable." Louis whispers, wiping Harry's cheeks. 

Harry shakes his head. "No, no, it's not. That might be okay for some people, but not for me. I don't want to be gay, Louis." Harry says, his tears falling more freely now.

Louis tries to ignore the way Harry's words sting. It was so painful to watch Harry struggle with himself. Louis would never wish this on his worst enemy. Everyone deserved to be who they are and never have to hide it.

"Why not? Being gay doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you." He tells Harry. Harry shakes his head, wiping his eyes.

"I know that, I'm not homophobic. Obviously." Harry says, gesturing toward Louis.

Louis closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. He was trying to be understanding, but Harry was seriously pushing him right now. He knew Harry wasn't trying to be offensive, but it was still kinda harsh.

"I just... I just don't know how to be gay. Or even someone who doesn't label theirselves. I don't know what any of it means. All I know is that I don't want to be without you again, Lou. I've been miserable for months." Harry cries, wrapping his arms around Louis again.

Louis slowly lowers his arms to Harry's waist, resting his chin on Harry's head. Louis couldn't let Harry deal with this alone. He wouldn't. "Harry, you're not going to go through that again. I'm gonna be right here. I'm gonna help you figure this out."

_

After Louis consoled Harry, they went to his bedroom to watch reruns of "Friends". Louis had learned that Harry watched reruns when he was feeling sad or anxious, because he never had to guess about what happened in the show.

Harry had been so exhausted from crying and fighting with himself that he fell asleep curled up to Louis' side. They had been laying like this for almost two hours. Louis was starting to drift off to sleep when Anne opened the door.

"Louis, can I speak with you for a second?" Anne asks, popping her head in Harry's bedroom doorframe.

Louis nods, gently getting out of bed, trying to not wake Harry up. Louis follows Anne to the kitchen. What could Anne want to talk to him about? Was she uncomfortable with Louis being in the bed with Harry? Surely not, she had saw Harry kiss Louis and she never said anything. Louis tries to push all of the negative thoughts out of his head.

They stop walking when they reach the kitchen, a good distance from Harry's bedroom. Anne gives Louis a small smile before starting.

"Before I ask you, I want you to know that you can say no. I know you're in school, and I know this might not be something you want." Anne tells Louis, her hand on his arm. Louis furrows his eyebrows. "Okay..." He says, eager to know what she's going to ask him.

Anne takes a deep breath.

"As you know, Harry is in the final rounds of the X-Factor. They're having to travel more and more, and I just can't keep up. My job is frustrated with me having to ask off so much, and Gemma needs me here with her. I don't want Harry to go alone, I don't think it'd be very safe." Anne starts out. Louis listens intently, increasingly nervous.

"So I thought I'd ask if you wanted to accompany him. You're of age and I know you'll take care of him. Again, you don't have to say yes. I know you're very busy."

Louis' eyes widen. "You want me to travel with Harry? Be responsible for him?" He asks. There was no way this was happening. Louis had to be dreaming.

Anne nods. "What does Harry think about this?" Louis asks. Anne gives him a smile. "Oh, Louis. Harry was the one that suggested it. He loves you so much, I think you'd both have a wonderful time together." She explains.

Harry suggested this? The same Harry that hadn't spoken to Louis for four months? The same Harry that was just crying because Louis had confused him so much?

"Erm... I mean, sure, if Harry is okay with it." Louis answers, taking a deep breath.

"Oh, this is wonderful! Thank you so much, Louis." Anne exclaims, hugging Louis. Louis wraps his arms around her, still not fully believing that he's awake right now. He was getting the opportunity to travel with the most beautiful boy he's ever seen.


	7. Chapter 7

"Lou, will you just grab a bag of crisps so we can go back home?" Harry groans, resting his forehead on Louis' back. Louis turns around, grabbing Harry's shoulders. "Now, hold on, Harry. For the past month, I've been living off of what you want to eat. It's my turn now. I'm taking my time picking out what I want." Louis explains, raising an eyebrow.

Today is a lazy Sunday for both of the boys. Harry didn't have another round for a month, meaning they had a little time to goof around. Louis and Harry had been living in Princess Park for a month now, meaning Louis had been responsible for Harry for a month.

The past month has been nothing short of amazing. The boys spent most of their nights cuddled up on the couch, not wanting to go to their separate beds. Harry constantly tried to cook healthy foods, while Louis insisted on eating nothing but junk food.

Harry rolls his eyes, nodding his head to the cart packed with junk food. "How are we going to cook with any of the stuff you have in here?" He asks, shaking his head.

Louis gives Harry a smile, grabbing three different bags of crisps and shoving them in the cart. "Fine. We'll get all three." He says, pushing the cart to the checkout station. Harry follows beside Louis, their shoulders bumping.

This was Louis' favorite part of the week. It seemed so domestic, getting groceries with your best friend. Louis thinks he could get groceries with Harry every week for the rest of his life and he'd never get tired of it.

He loved watching Harry struggle to reach things on the top shelf, eventually huffing and looking over his shoulder, silently asking Louis for help.

Louis was surprised that he was still taller than Harry. Harry had grown quite a few inches since they had met and he knew it wouldn't be long before Louis was having to ask Harry for help to reach things.

Harry watches as Louis pays for the groceries. "Can we order pizza and watch movies tonight?" Harry asks, giving Louis his famous puppy eyes.

Louis shakes his head, smiling. "Haz, you know I have to study. I have an exam tomorrow and I work before that, I won't be able to study tomorrow at all." Louis explains.

This past month, Louis has been struggling with keeping up in his uni classes. He was working close to 40 hours a week to make sure that the apartment was paid for and that Harry had food.

His mum had been scolding him for the past month, telling him not to put Harry's needs in front of his own. But Louis couldn't help it. Every time he looked at Harry, all he wanted to do was take care of him.

Harry didn't know a thing about Louis struggling in his classes, he'd probably tell him to go back home if he thought Louis was falling behind because of him.

"Louuuuuuu..." Harry groans, grabbing his cheeks. Harry bats his eyelashes, sticking his bottom lip out. "But I wanna watch The Notebook and cuddle up to you."

Louis rolls his eyes, trying to fight back a smile. Harry was so cute when he got like this. Over the last month, he had become more touchy with Louis, constantly attached to his hip when he wasn't at work or Harry wasn't at rehearsals.

Louis was over the moon about the change in behavior. He loved having Harry close to him all the time. Neither one of the boys had tried to discuss what they were, if they were friends or boyfriends.

Louis didn't mind not putting a label on this because he was just glad he had Harry in his life.

"I really can't..." Louis responds, feeling terrible for not being able to give Harry what he wants. Harry smiles, his dimples popping out. He presses a kiss to Louis' right cheek, then his left cheek, and then his nose. Between each of the kisses, Harry whispers a small "please".

Louis finds himself smiling. He was so proud of Harry for working towards accepting who he is. Five months ago, Harry probably would've never done something like that, especially not in public. It was small progress, but it was still progress.

Louis groans, feeling himself giving in. What would it hurt? Louis had studied last night while Harry was rehearsing. He missed his beautiful boy when he was gone. He just wanted to spend time with him. Louis grabs Harry's hands, pulling them away from his face.

"Fine. Call the pizza place on the corner. We'll pick it up while we're out." He tells Harry. Harry's face lights up, his grin almost too big for his face. "Yes! Thank you, Lou." He exclaims.

_

When the boys get home, Harry sets up a fort while Louis puts the groceries away. He glances over at the textbook on the table, feeling sick as he remembers his grade in that class. He really should study tonight.

"Louis, the movie is starting!" Louis hears Harry call from the other room. Louis shoves the textbook in one of the drawers so he doesn't have to look at it again and remember how much of a failure he is. Louis grabs a couple of plates and drinks and heads to the fort Harry is cuddled up under.

"What time do you have to work tomorrow?" Harry asks, shoving pizza in his mouth. "10 to 4," Louis answers, washing his bite down with a drink. Harry doesn't say anything, he just stares at the TV screen.

"Is that a problem?" Louis asks, raising his eyebrow. Harry has been especially pouty the past couple of days. Not that Louis minds, it's just unexpected. Harry quickly shakes his head, turning to face Louis.

"No. Of course not. I just miss you, 's all..." Harry whispers, his eyes dropping to the floor. Louis places his plate next to him on the floor, scooting closer to Harry.

Louis smiles, cuddling up to Harry. He was so lucky to be living with his best friend.

"Hazza, I miss you too. When I finish my exam, we'll-"

Louis is interrupted when the sound of loud screams reach their window. Louis' eyes widen, jumping out of the fort to inspect. Harry quickly follows him, jumping on the couch. The boys sit with their knees on the couch, looking out the window over the back of the couch.

The boys sit with their knees on the couch, looking out the window over the back of the couch  
"Holy shit..." Louis murmurs, his eyes searching the crowd of teenage girls outside their apartment. They were all holding signs up with Harry's name on them. "They're here for me?" Harry asks, a sense of disbelief in his voice.

Louis nods. "I guess they are..." He whispers. There had to be close to 200 people outside their window, screaming Harry's name. "I didn't know you had become this big." Louis says, looking at Harry. Harry smiles, shaking his head. "I didn't either."

Harry sighs and rests his head on Louis' shoulder, still looking out into the crowd. After a few moments of silence, Louis starts to get uncomfortable. Louis had started thinking about Harry being famous, and the thought made him sick to his stomach.

What if Harry never wanted to see him again? Or what if Harry got famous and decided he wanted to pursue a relationship with one of his fans? What if people made fun of him for being gay? Would Harry even tell them?

Louis was so proud of Harry for chasing his dreams and he really did want him to be famous, but he was so scared.

"Lou, what's wrong? Why did you get quiet?" Harry asks, lifting his head off of Louis' shoulder to look at him. Louis sighs, stepping off the couch. He needed to talk to Harry about how he was feeling. Hopefully it didn't push Harry away.

"H, what's gonna happen when you get really famous?" He asks.

Harry cocks his head to the side, his eyebrows furrowing. "What do you mean?" He asks. Louis picks the plates off of the floor, heading to the trash bin to throw the leftovers away.

"You heard what Simon said." Louis says, trying to ignore the way that name sounds coming out of his mouth.

Louis hated Simon. He wasn't sure why, but he did. He just got a bad feeling about the guy. He was always telling Harry what to do, acting like he was some kind of pet that belonged to him.

"He said you had practically already won the whole competition. You know you're going to win." Louis continues, taking the plates to the sink.

He wasn't sure what this feeling was. Was it jealousy? Was it fear? Was it love?

"Yeah, what about it? I'm still gonna be the same Harry." Harry answers, coming up behind Louis to wrap his arms around his waist.

Louis sighs, placing his hands on the counter. He drops his head down. "Will you? What if you forget about me? Or what if you start freaking out about what people think about us?" Louis quietly asks.

Louis was trying to tread lightly around this subject, not wanting to pressure Harry.

Harry wraps his arms around Louis' waist tighter, burying his face in his back. "I don't care what they think. You're Louis. You're my Lou. That's all there is to know. You're my best friend. I don't have to explain anything to them. Especially when I don't really know what's going on either." Harry mumbles.

Harry's confession made Louis feel a tiny bit better. He knew he was okay with not knowing what they were, but he wasn't sure if Harry was okay with it. Louis was fine with being Harry's "Lou" and Harry would be Louis' "Beautiful Boy".

Louis turns around, keeping Harry's arms around him. He wraps his arms around Harry's shoulders. Louis had begun to feel like Harry was at home in his arms. He wanted to hold Harry for the rest of his life and never let him go.

Harry lifts his head up, staring up at Louis. Harry gently bites his bottom lip, causing Louis to smile. He could never get tired of his boy's nervous tics.

"Lou, if I win, I don't want you to go back home. I want you to be with me, wherever I go..." He whispers, his eyes watering.

Harry wanted Louis to stay with him even after this was over? He thought this was just temporary. As much as Louis wanted to say yes, he wasn't sure if he could. They still had three more months of the X-Factor and Louis was already falling behind drastically in his classes.

Could his grades handle more of this? Louis couldn't bear the thought of going home without Harry. It wouldn't be a home without him.

When Louis opens his mouth to tell Harry he would think about it, Harry presses his lips against Louis' for the second time since they met.

Even over the last month as Harry grew closer to Louis and more comfortable with himself, he hadn't kissed Louis since that day at the X-Factor. Louis wanted to kiss him constantly, but didn't want to push him away.

Louis' lips move against Harry's, dropping his hands to his waist. Every single part of his brain told him to pull away. Harry was confused, this was only going to confuse him more. But every single part of his heart told him to keep going.

Harry pulls away, his lips and his cheeks red. He rests his head on Louis' shoulder. "Please?" He quietly asks. Louis slowly nods, rubbing Harry's waist with his thumb.

He wasn't quite sure what to think about this. Friends didn't kiss each other.

Whatever they were, Louis knows he can't tell Harry no.

"Yeah, of course. I told you I would be here every step of the way." Louis mumbles, pressing his lips to the boy's head.

Harry smiles, pulling away. "I'm gonna take a shower." He announces, walking out of the kitchen.

How was he not affected by the kiss? Why was it so easy for Harry to kiss Louis when he felt like it and then to pretend like it didn't happen?

Both times that Harry has kissed Louis, it's left him speechless for the next week.

Louis takes a deep breath, going into his bedroom, grabbing his computer off of his desk. He sits on the edge of the bed, opening his school account.

Louis had to make a decision. If Louis was going to be with Harry every step of the way, he couldn't work and be in school. Something had to give. It couldn't be his job, he had to support him and Harry. It couldn't be traveling with Harry, he would miss him too much. So, it had to be his school.

After staring at the options on the screen for more than 10 minutes, Louis takes another deep breath, trying to convince himself that he's doing the right thing.

It was better to drop out than to flunk out, right? That way it at least looked like Louis had some control in the situation.

Harry walks into the bedroom, his towel around his waist. Louis looks up, giving him a tight-lipped smile. There was no way Harry could find out that Louis was planning on dropping out of school.

"What are you looking at?" Harry asks, walking towards the bed. Louis quickly moves his mouse over the "drop out" option, clicking it and submitting it before Harry can reach the bed.

"Nothing, Haz." Louis answers, closing his laptop. Harry quickly brushes it off, clearly not too concerned with what Louis was actually looking at.

Louis places the computer on his nightstand, plugging it up to the charger. "Can I sleep in here tonight?" Harry quietly asks, holding onto the towel around his tiny waist.

Louis' eyes drop to his waist, trying not to be too obvious. He didn't understand how someone was so fit at 16. The droplets from the shower were slowly starting to dry, leaving Harry's skin glistening.

Louis gulps as his eyes lower to the patch of hair running from Harry's bellybutton to the top of the towel.

"Never-mind, I shouldn't have asked." Harry mumbles, his cheeks red.

Louis quickly realizes he never answered Harry's question.

Louis' eyes widen. "No! I mean, you can definitely sleep in here. Don't mind at all." Louis answers, hoping Harry didn't catch him staring at him.


	8. Chapter 8

*3 months later*

"And the winner of the 7th season of the X-Factor is... Harry Styles!!" The announcer shouts as confetti falls from the sky. Louis watches from backstage as Harry's jaw drops, his eyes wide. The other contestants run to Harry, wrapping him up in hugs.

At that moment, Louis can feel everything changing. Harry Styles as Louis knew him 9 months ago would never be the same. Their relationship would never be the same.

Harry would constantly be recognized, people stopping him for pictures, he would spend most of his time in the studio, he'd have to do interviews...

Louis was proud. He was so, so proud. But he was terrified. He wasn't sure what this meant for the two boys. He wasn't sure he wanted anything to change. Things had been so perfect over the past three months.

Ever since that night Harry kissed him for the second time, he made it seem like they were dating. Harry was constantly kissing Louis, sneaking into his bed at night to cuddle him, running his huge hands down Louis' small stomach. 

They still hadn't established what the relationship was, but neither one seemed bothered by it.

Anne and Gemma jump up and down, clapping, bringing Louis out of his thoughts. "Lou! Our boy did it!" Anne shouts, wrapping him up in a hug. Louis forces out a chuckle. "Yeah. Yeah, he really did."

Anne lets Louis go, turning to face the stage once again. Louis felt like a terrible best friend. What kind of friend couldn't be happy for their friend? Louis wanted to be happy for Harry, he truly did.

He just couldn't shake this feeling that the past three months were going to be the closest to heaven that Louis would get for a while.

Simon comes backstage, congratulating Anne and Gemma. Louis rolls his eyes, a disgusting feeling creeping up his throat. Louis had mentioned his distaste for Simon to Harry before, but nothing seemed to sway how Harry felt about Simon.

Harry thought Simon was the best thing ever. Harry looked at him as a father figure that he had to impress. Harry hated disappointing Simon. Whenever a round didn't go particularly well for Harry, he was constantly worried sick that Simon was going to be disappointed.

Louis didn't understand why Harry felt that way. Louis hated him from the moment he saw him. Louis had never formally met Simon, just watching on the sidelines, but Louis had dealt with a lot of snakes in his life and he knew how to spot one without getting too close.

"You're more than welcome to join him on stage to congratulate him." He explains, completely ignoring Louis. Anne grabs Louis' hand, pulling him with her. Simon raises an eyebrow, setting his eyes on Louis.

"Oh, are you his cousin or...?" Simon asks, stepping in front of them.

Louis furrows his eyebrows. "No. I'm his..." Louis starts to answer, but then he realizes he's not sure what he is to Harry. What did it matter to Simon? He didn't have to explain shit to him. It was none of his business.

Louis quickly looks at Anne, silently asking for help. Instead, it's Gemma that speaks up.

"They're dating." She answers, staring at Simon. Louis' eyes widen. Dating? When did that happen? Had Harry spoke with Gemma about them? Was Harry okay with her saying this? Surely she wouldn't just take it upon herself to out Harry.

Simon frowns. "Oh, maybe you shouldn't go on stage. It's not good for fans to know that Harry is taken. He needs to look available." He tells Louis.

Louis scoffs, a feeling of disbelief settling in on him. Who the hell did Simon think he was? Available? Even if Harry was single, why was Simon's goal to basically sell him? People don't listen to someone's music primarily because they're attracted to them.

Harry was a hell of a singer and he didn't need to be sold as a sex symbol for people to listen to him. Louis could feel his eyes shooting daggers at the disgusting man in front of him. He had so much he wanted to say to him, but couldn't figure out what he wanted to say first.

Anne tightens her grip on Louis' hand, frowning. "Well, he's not available. He's coming with us to congratulate him." She defends, pulling Louis past Simon and onto the stage. "Thank you." Louis murmurs, his face still red from the encounter.

Gemma stands beside Louis as Anne's eyes search the crowd for Harry. "Don't worry. Harry told me everything." She tells him, watching as Harry makes his way over to them.

"I wasn't aware that we're dating. Is he going to be okay with you telling Simon?" Louis asks.

Gemma chuckles, shaking her head. "He'll be fine."

Louis frowns. It's great that they were dating, it's all he's wanted for a while. He just hopes that nothing will happen that makes Gemma regret telling Simon about the boys.

"Oh, my baby boy is famous!" Anne cries, hugging Harry. Harry smiles and rolls his eyes. "Mummmm," He groans, laughing. 

Louis smiles, hugging Harry as he pulls away from his mum. "'M proud of you, you know that?" Louis tells him, nuzzling his face in Harry's neck. Over the past three months, Harry has grown quite a bit. He's started to catch up with Louis.

Harry nods. "I know, Lou." He answers, smiling. He presses a quick kiss to Louis' cheek, causing Louis to blush.

Simon walks up to them, grabbing Harry by the shoulder and pulling him away. "Come on, let's go say hi to some of your fans," Simon tells him, pointing towards the group of girls waiting for Harry.

Louis watches as Harry walks over, hugging each and every one of them. He also watches as Simon encourages him to kiss the girls on the cheeks.

Louis rolls his eyes. Simon watches for a few moments before coming over to Louis, pulling him away from Anne and Gemma.

"You and Harry, huh?" He asks, an obvious look of disgust on his face. Louis raises an eyebrow. "We're dating." Louis says.

Simon sighs, bringing his hand up to the back of his neck to scratch it. "Look, I have no problem with gay people, right? It's just... I don't think it's a good look for Harry." He says.

Louis chuckles dryly, watching as Gemma makes her way over to the two. "Well, good thing I didn't ask what you think." Louis retorts, a smile on his lips.

Gemma walks up to him, her eyes darting back and forth between the two. She could clearly tell something was going on. Simon stares at Louis, scowling. After a few moments of silence, he takes a hint and walks toward Harry once again.

"Lou, let's go somewhere else. Harry will be done in a minute." She tells him, grabbing his hand and taking him backstage. Louis follows her, looking over his shoulder until he can't see Harry anymore.

He couldn't believe what Simon had insinuated back there. Was he saying that Harry shouldn't be with Louis? "Gem, you should've heard what Simon said. I'm pretty sure he just suggested that Harry and I should break up." Louis mumbles, feeling his heart break inside of his chest.

Harry had fought so hard to accept who he is, was Simon going to take that away? What would Harry say if he knew about this? Louis couldn't tell Harry this happened. Harry wanted so badly to make Simon proud, would he break up with Louis if he thought it would make him happy?

"It's gonna be okay, Lou. Harry isn't going to be one of those famous people that become assholes. Harry will still be Harry, and Harry will always want to be with you." Gemma reassures him.

Louis nods, his eyes on the floor. "Yeah, I know. I just worry that Simon will do something bad to him. I don't trust him." Louis confesses, tears threatening to slip out of his eyes.

Gemma frowns, hugging Louis. "Try not to worry, everything is going to be okay." She tells him, rubbing his back.

_

"Haz, get into bed. I'm tired." Louis groans out, placing the pillow over his face. Harry laughs, jumping into bed, landing on Louis' stomach. "Jesus Christ, H. Calm down." Louis scolds, pushing Harry off of him.

Louis knew he was being a bit of an asshole, but he wasn't in the mood for playing around. He was tired and he was stressed out. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about what Simon had said.

Harry frowns. "'M sorry, I'm just excited," Harry mumbles, sitting next to Louis.

Louis sighs, pulling the pillow off of his face. "I know. You should be. I'm being an asshole." Louis tells him. Harry nods, laying down with his head on Louis' chest.

Louis wraps his arm around him, rubbing his shoulder. Louis still hadn't said anything to Harry about how Gemma said they were dating, but he wanted to know if that's what Harry truly thought.

"So... We're dating?" Louis asks, quietly.

Harry lifts his head up, looking into Louis' eyes.

"Yeah. 'Course we are, Lou. I reckon we've been dating for a while, I just didn't want to admit it." Harry answers, biting his lower lip.

Louis smiles, his cheeks reddening. "So you're okay?" He asks. Louis was so proud of his boy for being able to accept who he is. Louis thinks it's just about the bravest thing anyone can do.

"Yeah. There's nothing to not be okay about. I'm unlabeled. I love who I love. Doesn't matter who they are." Harry says, resting his head back on Louis' chest.

Louis runs his fingers through Harry's curls. This was a big step from just a couple months ago. Louis thinks back to the time in the basement, when Harry was saying that he didn't know what he wanted.

"And you're okay with people knowing?" He asks.

Harry laughs. "Yes. I'm fine with people knowing that I've got Louis Tomlinson absolutely wrapped around my finger." He tells him.

Louis raises an eyebrow. "Oh, really? I think I've got Harry Styles wrapped around my finger." He argues, laughing.

Harry scoffs. "I'm not the one that dropped out of school to travel the world with my famous boyfriend," Harry tells him, snuggling into his side more.

"Still mad at you about that," Harry mumbles, tracing his fingers on Louis' belly. When Harry found out that Louis had dropped out of school, he almost had a heart attack. He felt terrible until Louis told him that he was failing and he probably wouldn't have graduated anyway. Which wasn't technically a lie.

"So, what happens now?" Louis asks, pressing a kiss to Harry's head. Louis was falling in love with the routine they had gotten into every night. Harry would come home from rehearsal, Louis would order food while Harry was in the shower, they would eat, and they would snuggle in bed together before drifting off to sleep.

Louis knew that as young as he was, he could do this with Harry for the rest of his life.

"Simon said that he wants me to start working on an album right away, so I'm going into the studio tomorrow. I'll probably be there all day." Harry says.

Louis nods, reaching over to turn the lamp off. "So fucking proud of you." Louis mumbles, watching as Harry's eyes close.

"Let's go to bed." Louis whispers, feeling his eyes get heavy.

"Goodnight, Lou." Harry mumbles, throwing his leg across Louis' waist. "'Night, Haz."

_

"Louuuu, I'm back!" Harry shouts, shutting the door behind him. Louis immediately jumps out of bed, running towards the door. Louis had been laying in bed all day, waiting for Harry to return. After the results of the competition, Louis had quit his job.

He wouldn't be able to keep it when they started traveling more, and Harry was getting loads of money from the competition. Louis had nothing to do all day but lay in bed and miss Harry.

"How was the studio?" Louis asks, wrapping Harry in a warm hug. "It was so cool. I want you to come with me one day." Harry tells him, pulling away from Louis to go into the kitchen.

"Oh, I don't think Simon would like that very much." Louis mumbles, following Harry. Harry raises his eyebrow.

"What do you have against Simon? He helped your boyfriend win the X-Factor. He's been nothing but nice to me, Louis." Harry argues, searching the refrigerator for a snack.

Louis frowns. "You didn't see his face when Gem told him that we were dating. He treats you like you're some kind of exotic animal in his petting zoo. He doesn't actually care about you, he just knows you'll bring him money." Louis defends, handing Harry the carton of juice that he had looked over in his search for snacks.

"You're just jealous. Simon doesn't care who I date." Harry says, pouring himself a glass of juice. Louis' jaw drops.

"Are you that naive? You're an attractive 16-year-old boy with millions of girls following you around. Of course, he doesn't want you to be with a guy." Louis tells him. "And for the last time, I'm not jealous."

Harry shakes his head, taking his snack to the couch. "He's never said anything to me about it." Harry responds, turning on the TV.

Louis groans. "That's because he's waiting until you can't leave him. I give it a month. He'll have you sign some kind of contract telling you that you can't be with me."

Louis watches as Harry's jaw clenches. Harry takes a deep breath. "And you think I'd sign it?" He asks, turning his head to face Louis. Louis frowns, playing with the string on his shirt. "I dunno. Maybe." Louis mumbles.

Harry had worked so hard these past 9 months, would he give it all away for Louis? Or would he give Louis away for all of the fame and the money?

Harry grabs Louis' hands, placing them in his own. "Lou, nothing he could ever say to me would make me leave you. I promise. I'm crazy about you, you know that." Harry reassures him. Louis gives Harry a small smile. "Yeah?" He whispers.

Harry swallows, giving him a half-smile. "Lou, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Better than any of this fame or money. 'M falling for you." Harry says, whispering the last part.

Louis' eyes widen. Harry is falling for him him? Louis had known for quite some time that he loved Harry, but he didn't think Harry would ever feel the same way about him.

Louis didn't believe that anyone would feel that way about him.

Louis smiles, blushing. "I'm way past falling for you, Haz."


	9. Chapter 9

Louis was wrong about one thing and one thing only. It wouldn't take Simon a month to have Harry sign a contract stating he couldn't be with Louis, it took him one month longer.

Harry had just gotten back from a meeting with Simon and he was crying.

Louis didn't know what was going on until Harry started apologizing, repeating "I had to do it, I had to,". After Louis started questioning Harry, Harry finally admitted that Louis had been right all along.

Simon had started noticing fans were making comments about Louis and Harry being together. Simon brought up the point that girls wouldn't like Harry if they knew he had a boyfriend, or some parents wouldn't allow their kids to listen to a singer who was gay.

He had repeated those things to Harry until Harry was a blubbering mess, signing a contract he hadn't even read.

"Lou, just try to calm down. We'll get through this, I promise." Harry begs, stepping in between Louis and the door. Louis shakes his head, tears falling down his face.

"No, I'm not going to calm down, Harry. What he's doing is wrong. I'm going up there and I'm going to tell him just what I think about him and this bullshit." Louis cries.

After Harry had finally told Louis what was going on, Louis was livid. He couldn't believe that Simon was actually doing this to them. What had they ever done to Simon?

Harry grabs Louis' hand, trying to push him back to the living room. "Louis, please. This isn't going to last forever. It's just until I get a bigger fanbase." Harry tries to explain.

Louis scoffs, running his hands over his face. He couldn't believe Harry had actually signed his love away. As if love was something that could just be stopped.

Louis would never do this to Harry. Especially not after Harry promised Louis that he would never do something like this.

The past two months had been amazing. Louis and Harry had been going out, holding hands in public, living together... They were finally in a real relationship with each other. After 9 months of fighting it, they had 2 months of pure heaven before Simon ruined it.

Harry was finally open with who he is, and Simon was just going to take that away. Why did Simon have to ruin everything?

"Harry, do you really think your fans care about who you love? If they're your real fans, they'll love you no matter what." Louis spits, his face becoming redder by the minute.

"I know that, but Simon doesn't. Simon says-"

"I don't care what he says. I care about you. I care about us. You said you wouldn't do this to me. Why are you doing this to me?" Louis asks, choking on his own sobs.

He had been crying for two hours, arguing with Harry. Why was it so easy for Harry to sign Louis away? Was Louis not enough? Was Louis not worth the fight?

Why was it so easy for Harry to sign Louis away? Was Louis not enough? Was Louis not worth the fight?   
Harry sighs, sitting on the couch. "I care about you so much, you know that. I love you, Louis. But if I want to be successful, I have to do this." Harry explains, wiping his eyes. Louis stares at Harry, his shirt collar soaked from tears.

"You want to be successful that bad, huh? You want to be successful so bad that you're willing to throw everything away? I threw away everything for you, so that you could do this! And this is how you're repaying me?" Louis shouts, his voice breaking.

Louis had moved away from school, dropping out, so that he could support Harry. He had been working a job he absolutely hated so that they had somewhere to live while Harry chased his dreams. Why was Harry the one that got to live out his dreams? What about Louis' dream of becoming a teacher?

Harry quickly stands up, his eyes wild. "Don't you dare act like I asked you to drop out of school. You know I would've never asked you to do that. It was your decision and your decision only. Don't throw that back in my face." Harry shouts, taking a step closer to Louis.

Louis rolls his eyes. "Yeah, you never asked me, but how was I supposed to keep up with my school while I had to follow you around and work 40 hours a week to make sure you got to live your dream? How is that fair, Harry? I had dreams, too. Your dream isn't the only one that matters!"

Harry growls, grabbing the lamp on the side table, throwing it against the wall. Louis jumps, backing away from Harry. The lamp shattered on the floor looked quite like Louis' heart right about now. "Fuck, Lou! If you're so miserable here, leave! No one is forcing you to be here." He says, crying.

Louis had never seen Harry this upset  
Louis had never seen Harry this upset. It was killing him to see Harry like this. He hated seeing his boy cry. He hated being the reason he was crying.

Louis had finally found someone that wanted him... There was no way he could just give it up. They could do this. They could find a way to make this work. Louis wasn't going to give up. If Harry didn't want to fight, Louis was going to fight hard enough for the both of them.

Louis slowly walks toward Harry, wrapping his arms around him. "Harry, I want to be here. I love you." He mumbles, rubbing his back.

As much as Harry had hurt Louis, Louis knew Harry was hurting more. Louis couldn't imagine having to hide who he was. Harry quietly sobs, his face buried in Louis' shoulder.

"Lou, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do. Simon was there, telling me to do it. I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you, please don't leave."

Louis sighs, pulling him closer. There was no way he was going to leave Harry alone, having to deal with Simon's bullshit all alone.

"Hey... Calm down. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. We can get through this. It's only temporary, right? Nothing will change at home. You'll still be mine, and I'll always be yours, Haz." Louis reassures him.

Harry nods, lifting his head up. "It's only for a little bit. I swear." He whispers, nuzzling his nose against Louis'. Louis presses a quick kiss to Harry's lips, pulling away quickly. "Don't worry about it. We're gonna be okay..."


	10. Chapter 10

After calming each other down, Harry and Louis were laying in bed, watching The Notebook for the millionth time. Louis found himself crying harder than he ever had before, realizing that the movie hit close to home to what they were going through now.

All Louis wanted was to be with Harry. The past couple of months had been so great, how was he just supposed to forget about it?

Now, Harry had to pretend like Louis didn't exist. Louis rests his head on Harry's chest, pressing a kiss to it.

"H, would you ever date someone to cover up the fact that you're with me?" Louis quietly asks. He feels Harry take a deep breath.

"No, Louis. I'd never do that." He deadpans. Louis closes his eyes, realizing Harry had said the same thing about signing a contract. Somehow, they both knew Harry was lying again. Soon after, both of the boys had cried themselves to sleep.

_

"Wake up, Lou! I have my first interview today. I need you to help me pick out something to wear." Harry shouts, throwing clothes on top of Louis. Louis groans, throwing the clothes back at Harry.

"Why don't you ask Simon for help? I'm sure he wouldn't mind controlling what you wear, he already controls who you date." Louis mumbles.

Harry sighs, turning to face Louis. "Oh, come on. We're still dating. I'm still sleeping in your bed..." Harry starts, walking over to Louis laying in the bed. He presses a kiss to Louis' lips. "I'm still kissing you..."

Harry runs his hand down Louis' stomach, reaching the band of his underwear. "I'm still touching you..." Harry murmurs. Louis' eyes widen as he pushes Harry's hand away from him.

They had been friends for 11 months, living together for 5 months, and they had somehow avoided going any further than kissing.

Louis wasn't complaining, he never wanted to pressure Harry. Of course, Louis wanted to go further, but he knew Harry needed a little more time.

Louis clears his throat, getting out of bed. "Right. I'll help you pick something out." Harry smirks, following Louis to the closet.

After 30 minutes of arguing about whether or not a purple hoodie is acceptable to wear for an interview, Harry is finally dressed  
After 30 minutes of arguing about whether or not a purple hoodie is acceptable to wear for an interview, Harry is finally dressed. "You look very handsome." Louis compliments, pressing a kiss to Harry's cheek.

Harry blushes. "I wish you could come... 'M really nervous," Harry mumbles, looking at the floor. Louis frowns. He wishes he could go too. He'd give anything to watch Harry do his first interview. He wanted to support his boyfriend. How could he support him when nobody knew they were together?

"Me too, H. I'll be waiting here, and you can come home and tell me all about it." Louis tells him, walking into the kitchen.

_

Luckily for both of them, the interview was live. Louis rolls his eyes at the fact that Simon thought it was a genius idea for Harry's first interview to be live. How stupid could he be?

As much as he thought it was a bad idea, he was glad it was live because he could watch it right then and didn't have to worry about waiting for it to air.

Louis is sat on the couch, nervously eating his second bag of crisps since Harry started the interview.

So far, he had been asked about his life before the X-Factor, how he was dealing with his fame, and what his plans were for the next year. He had been doing such a good job so far. Louis was so proud of his beautiful boy.

Louis watches as the interviewer pulls up a photo of Louis and Harry from a couple of months ago. "This was a popular fan question... They believe that you and this young man are together." He starts, handing Harry the photo.

It was a photo of Harry and Louis on a date, sitting next to each other in the booth. Harry's head was on Louis' shoulder, Louis' hand on Harry's knee. Louis feels his eyes stinging as he remembers that night. That night had been one of the best nights of his life.

Harry had insisted that they go out for dinner. After the dinner, Harry made Louis stop at the grocery store to grab every kind of candy there is. When they got home, the boys stayed up all night watching movies and kissing under their blanket.

Harry clears his throat, trying to hide his smile. "Uh... No. We're not together." He states, handing the photo back to the interviewer. Louis' heart drops. He knew that Harry couldn't come out and say they were together, but it still hurt to hear him actually deny it.

"Oh, really? Fans seem to be pretty certain. You're living together, it looks like you're quite close." The interviewer continues. Harry sighs, pushing his hair back from his face. "Yeah, he's my best mate, of course, we're close. Been friends with him for about a year now." Harry answers.

The interviewer smiles, handing Harry another photo. "And what about this young woman? Are you with her?" He asks.

Harry glances at the photo before biting his bottom lip. Louis knew that whatever he was going to say next was going to be something he didn't want to say. Louis tries to look at the photo, but all he could see was Harry walking into the studio with a girl... Holding her hand.

Louis' jaw drops, a sick feeling in his stomach. Who was this girl? Harry hadn't mentioned anything to him about this...

"Oh. Uh..." Harry laughs, blushing. The interviewer smiles. "Oh come on, Harry. We know you're a ladies man. You're attractive, you're famous. You must have a new girl lined up for you every night." The interviewer states.

Harry swallows, his eyes going back to the photo. He looks behind the camera, silently asking someone for help. Louis would bet money that Simon is behind the camera, telling him what to say.

Harry nods slowly, handing the interviewer the photo. "Yeah. We're together." Harry answers, any hint of happiness gone.

Louis immediately rushes to the bathroom, holding his stomach. He leans in front of the toilet, throwing up every bit of food he's eaten today. What the hell was going on? Harry promised him he wouldn't do this. Louis was starting to think Harry didn't mean anything he said. Did he even love Louis? Did he even want him around? Was this worth it? Could Louis handle this?

Louis honestly should've expected this. Everyone eventually lets him down, that's why he never bothered to get close to anyone before Harry. Everyone always picked Louis last. He was always the second option.

He just never thought Harry would make him feel this way.

_

Soon after the interview was done, Harry is rushing in the door. He's got tears in his eyes, his cheeks red. He finds Louis sitting on the couch, holding his stomach. Louis is staring at the blank TV screen.

"Lou, I-"

"Don't."

"I had to."

"Yeah. I know. You have to do everything Simon says."


	11. Chapter 11

"Lou, for the millionth time, I am sorry!" Harry groans, his voice raw from arguing for hours on end.

Louis knew Harry couldn't help it, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Louis was so used to everyone leaving him, he was worried this was the first step to that.

Louis had barricaded himself in his bedroom, not wanting Harry to see him cry over this.

"I know it sucks, trust me, it hurts me, too. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to hold some random girl's hand? 'S weird. Just wanna hold yours." Harry mumbles.

Louis sniffles, wiping his eyes. He knows he shouldn't be giving Harry such a hard time. He was worried if he kept acting like this, he'd push Harry away.

"I know, Haz." Louis whimpers, leaning his head back against the door.

"Just... Come out of the bedroom. Wanna show you something." Harry says. Louis sighs, his shoulders dropping.

He quickly opens the door, his jaw dropping as soon as he sees Harry.

"What the hell is that?" Louis asks, his eyes wide   
"What the hell is that?" Louis asks, his eyes wide. Harry smiles, pulling at the edges of his shirt.

Harry was standing in a grey t-shirt with "Harry *heart* Louis" on the front. Was this Harry's lame attempt at winning Louis back over?

Harry blushes, clearing his throat.

"I know our circumstances kind of suck right now, but 'm still crazy about you, Lou." Harry says, his voice shaky.

Louis raises his eyebrow. Harry had already told him he was crazy about him, this wasn't new information. Why did the poor boy look like he was going to shit himself?

"Yeah, I'm still crazy about you. But it doesn't mean that this doesn't suck." Louis says.

Harry takes a deep breath, pointing at his shirt. "I heart you." Harry mumbles.

Louis stares at him, blinking slowly.

"You heart me?" He asks, unsure of what's going on.

Harry bites his lip, his cheeks getting redder by the second. "I... I love you, Lou." He whispers.

Louis' jaw drops.

Harry contines.

"I know we've only technically been together for a couple of months, but I think I've known since the moment I met you."

Louis feels himself tearing up. He'd never known how it felt to be loved by someone. No one ever wanted him around long enough to love him.

Louis steps toward Harry, wrapping him up in his arms.

"I love you." He whispers, burying his face in his neck.

They stay like that for a moment before Harry pulls away. Louis takes another look at his shirt, laughing.

"Where did you get that god awful shirt, Haz?" Louis asks.

Harry blushes, looking down at the shirt. "Made it." He mumbles.

Louis smiles, wondering how he got a boy this perfect. He hadn't done anything to deserve someone as good as Harry. That's why he was going to stick this out and work on it, no matter how bad things got.

Louis knew that if he left Harry, he'd never find anyone as amazing as him. Louis was very lucky to be loved by someone the way Harry loved him.

"We still need to talk about this. I want to work through this, but I don't know how to do this." Louis says, walking to sit on the couch.

Harry follows, putting his arm around Louis' shoulder. "'S going to be really hard, but it'll be worth it. Just until I get a bigger fanbase, like Simon said." He reassures Louis.

Louis nods, pushing his hair off of his forehead. "I want to be with you, but it can't be like this. Whatever happens in the outside world, promise me nothing is going to change at home. Just be honest with me about the girls you're having to hang out with. That's the only way I'll get through this. It hurt like hell to see you with that girl. I had no idea. It felt like I was being cheated on." Louis explains.

Harry frowns. "I'm not cheating on you, Lou. You know I don't want to do this." He says.

Louis knows Harry didn't want to do this, but it still hurt. He wishes he didn't have to do it at all. Louis felt like they were too young to be going through all of this pressure. This would be hard on anyone, especially a 17-year-old boy who only recently accepted his sexuality and a 19-year-old boy who already struggled with depression and feeling like he wasn't good enough.

It almost felt as though it was a disaster waiting to happen.

"I know that. But I just want to know what's going on. Don't keep me in the dark about this stuff." Louis says, making Harry nod.

"I'll do anything. I shouldn't have signed the contract in the first place. This is all my fault, Lou. I'll do anything to keep you here with me." He says.

Louis gives him a small smile, leaning into his side. "This is going to work if you just keep being honest with me." He says.

Harry rubs his shoulder, pressing a kiss to Louis' head.

Louis giggles quietly, pulling on Harry's shirt. "You think you could make me one of these?" He asks, pressing a kiss to Harry's lips.

Harry smiles into the kiss, placing his hand on his jaw, pulling him closer. It was by far the most passionate kiss the pair had ever shared.

Harry opens his mouth, allowing Louis' tongue to enter. Louis places his hands on Harry's waist, pulling him onto his lap.

Harry had grown quite a bit since they met, making it a little harder to him to sit on Louis' lap. Louis didn't care how big he got, he would always want Harry on him.

Harry moans as Louis' hands wander down to his ass, giving him a gentle squeeze. "'S okay?" Louis whispers, his lips never leaving Harry's. Harry quickly nods, his hands going to Louis' shirt, tugging on it.

Louis breaks the kiss just long enough to slide his shirt over his head, throwing it across the room. Harry grinds his ass on Louis' growing center, causing Louis' eyes to roll back.

It had been so long since Louis had been touched like this, and the fact that Harry was doing it made it a million times better.

Harry pulls away from the kiss, studying Louis' face. Harry was biting his lip, glancing down at where the two boy's bodies met.

"Wanna do something for you." He mumbles, stepping off of Louis' lap. Louis' eyes widen. Was this really happening? Was Harry going to do what he thought he was going to do? Was he ready for this?

"Haz, you don't have to. Want this to be about you." Louis whispers, running his fingers through Harry's hair as he kneels down in front of him.

Harry gives him a small smile as he unzips Louis' pants. "Then let me do this." He mumbles.

Louis nods, trying to catch his breath. As Harry slides his pants down his legs, Louis thinks he might just pass out.


	12. Chapter 12

*1 year later*

Louis watches as Harry strums his guitar in their new apartment. They had moved to LA recently, so that Harry could be closer to his manager. Louis didn't mind the move, he just wanted to be wherever Harry was.

Despite Louis' happiness about being with Harry, he was struggling with being so far away from his mum and his siblings. Louis didn't mind having his space, but he wishes he could go over to his mum's house when he had a bad day, instead of calling her on the phone.

Louis would never bring this up to Harry, never wanting him to feel bad for chasing his dreams.

Harry was almost done with his first album, and he was practicing in front of Louis, just like old times.

Over the past year, Harry has worked so hard to complete his album. Louis loved listening to the album. Harry had put several songs on the album that connected to their relationship and he was so glad Simon didn't catch on to the true meaning of them.

Louis fights back tears as he listens to Harry sing his favorite song off the album, Sweet Creature. Harry wrote this song after he came home that day after the first interview.

After the boys talked and spent the rest of the day in bed, they went over what they had discussed earlier. It was agreed that Harry would tell Louis everything that was going on and Louis was going to tell Harry if he felt like he still wanted to do this. This was the system that had worked for the past year as Harry worked on his album.

After that, there were no more rumors about Louis and Harry. As far as his fans knew, Louis didn't exist anymore. Louis never left the house. There were no more pictures of him with Harry. Louis spent his days on the phone with his mum, Anne, and Gemma. They were the only ones that knew about his and Harry's relationship, and it felt good to not have to hide it with them.

It was the only time Louis felt like he was in an actual relationship with Harry. Of course, the times they were cuddled up in bed or dancing in the kitchen felt like a real relationship, but having to hide from everyone made it a little harder to actually feel real.

Harry stops singing, taking the guitar strap off his shoulder. "Did you like it that way or the way I sang it before?" Harry asks, sitting next to Louis on the couch.

"I like both." Louis answers, resting his head on Harry's shoulder.

Harry smiles, kissing Louis' head. Over the past year, Harry has grown tremendously, and Louis has grown none. Louis thinks back to the times when Harry would have to ask Louis for help. Sometimes Harry would still ask Louis for help to grab things, but Louis knows Harry's doing it just to make him feel better.

"You've always been my biggest fan, yeah?" He whispers, pulling Louis onto his lap. Louis nods, placing his hands on Harry's cheeks.

"'Course. Been your biggest fan since you performed at the coffee shop." Louis murmurs, nuzzling his face in Harry's neck.

"And I'm always gonna be your biggest fan  
"And I'm always gonna be your biggest fan." Louis continues, pressing a gentle kiss to Harry's neck.

Harry takes a deep breath. "Lou, thank you... For everything. For sticking with me through all of this bullshit." Harry tells him, rubbing his back.

Louis freezes in Harry's lap. Harry had a habit of thinking people knew he appreciated everything they were doing for him, so he never really said it out loud.

Louis knew that Harry was thankful for him, but it still felt good to hear it. Especially when Louis hadn't been feeling particularly good about himself lately. He tried to push that to the back of his head, not sure why he was feeling this way.

He didn't have a reason to feel this way. He was happy. He was with the love of his life, someone finally loved him back, he was in a fancy apartment with a famous boyfriend. He should be feeling the best he's ever had.

Somehow, he just couldn't convince himself to feel better. He wanted to talk to Harry about this, but he didn't want to ruin his good times. Louis has gone through bad times before and he's always gotten out of them. He would have to get out of it on his own again.

"You don't have to thank me. Know you're thankful." Louis murmurs, his lips never leaving Harry's neck.

Harry continues rubbing tiny circles Louis' back with his huge thumbs. Louis had grown to love the way Harry's hands felt on his skin, always making him feel warm and protected. Louis wonders when it switched from Louis protecting Harry to Harry protecting Louis.

"No, I do have to thank you. You shouldn't have to deal with this... I've been thinking lately. I'm gonna have a talk with Simon. He agreed that this was only temporary. I have a pretty big fanbase now, I'm releasing my first album, probably going on tour soon... I think it's the perfect time to talk to him." Harry says.

Louis lifts his head up. "Really?" He asks. Louis' heart starts racing. He had known Harry for almost two years. Were they going to be able to finally be public again? Was he going to be able to go on dates with his boy?

After a year and some months of being private, it seemed too good to be true.

Louis starts tearing up. "You'd really do that for me?" Louis asks again.

He knows Harry wanted to make Simon proud. The thought of Harry possibly going against something Simon says for Louis felt like heaven.

Harry smiles, pushing Louis' hair away from his face. "Yeah. I don't see why he wouldn't let us. I told you everything was going to be alright, didn't I? I can't wait to take you on our first date since this started. Gonna show you off, let everyone know you're mine." Harry explains, pressing a kiss to Louis' soft lips between every couple of words.

Louis blushes, moving his hands to Harry's hair, pulling away from his lips.

"I'm so proud of you. You're 18, releasing your very own album, writing the best songs I've ever heard... I always knew you were going to be something big." Louis mumbles.

Things had been much calmer the past year, due to Harry's album. Nobody was on his back about dating a new girl, because he just blamed it on the fact that he was too busy for a girlfriend.

Things had been close to perfect. The situation wasn't ideal, but they were making the best of it. Louis was thankful that the situation hadn't been any worse.

"But, there is one thing I need to talk to you about." Harry says. Louis studies his face, noticing that Harry's bottom lip is bleeding, telling Louis that he's been biting it.

"Shoot." Louis says, his heart racing. He loved how things were now, he wasn't sure he could handle anything changing, and from the way Harry's face looked, something was going to change soon.

Harry sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "Well, my album is about to be out. Simon says it's a good idea if I get my name back out in the public. I've kind of been hiding for the past couple of months." Harry starts, watching as Louis rolls his eyes.

"Here we go again." He mumbles. Of course, Simon had an idea. All of Simon's ideas are absolute shit. Harry's name will get back out in the public when he drops his album. Louis was stupid to think things were looking up. Anything involving Simon couldn't be good.

Harry frowns. "All I have to do is go on a couple of dates with this girl, alright? It's not gonna be a two-month relationship like the last one." Harry explains. Louis scoffs, as if that's supposed to make him feel better.

At the beginning of their contract, Harry had to "date" some blonde chick. It was pure hell for Louis. He was lucky it only lasted a couple of months because he wouldn't have been able to handle anymore than that.

Harry was always taking her out to dinner, buying her things, parading her around town like some prize that he had won at a cheap carnival.

Harry would always crawl into the bed the two boys shared while smelling like her. The first night it happened, Louis woke up the next morning and burnt the sheets. He made Harry swore that he'd sleep on the couch anytime he went out with someone else.

Louis might have to watch it happen in public, but he wasn't going to allow it in his home. In their home.

But a couple of dates couldn't be bad, right? Maybe Louis could handle that. He just wouldn't look at any of the pictures, wouldn't watch any TV, and he could avoid seeing the pair together.

"Fine. But after this, I want you to tell him you're done. I'm sick of this, Haz. I'm going crazy, just sitting at home all the time. I want to go out, I want to be with you." Louis argues, stepping off of Harry's lap.

"I know, Lou. I want that, too. After my album comes out, I'm done with that." Harry promises. Louis raises an eyebrow. "Yeah, well, I've heard that many times before." He mumbles.

Harry sighs, placing his hands on Louis' waist. "Come on... Can we not argue today? We were doing so good." He begs.

Louis sighs, sitting back down with Harry. He didn't feel like arguing, he just wanted to be with Harry. He wanted things to be peaceful.

He had to remind himself that he was lucky to be loved by someone like Harry. He couldn't lose him. He'd never make it.

_

Louis watches as Harry's name flashes across their TV screen. Harry had gone out with a new model last night, meaning that every social media platform was going crazy. Louis rolls his eyes, rolling over on his side to face Harry. Harry was still sleeping, his cheek pressed against the pillow.

So much for his plan of avoiding TV. Louis couldn't help it. It was a like a car crash, you didn't want to look, but you couldn't help but to satisfy that curious part of your brain.

He wanted to see the girl that Simon had picked out for Harry. She was everything that Louis wasn't.

She was tall, blonde, skinny...

Louis was short, brunette, and pudgy. He had been telling himself he was going to start working out at home since he couldn't go to the gym, but he never had the energy to do it.

Some days it felt like just getting up and brushing his teeth and showering took too much energy out of him.

Louis sighs, staring at his beautiful boy. Louis would go through hell to be with him. He just loved him so much. He loved his soft, pink lips. He loved how his skin glistened when he came back in from enjoying a day on the beach without Louis.

Louis didn't need to be public with Harry, he had everything he needed in this apartment. He had Harry. He knew Harry loved him, he didn't have to declare it to the world. They were going to be okay, no matter if Simon let them love in public or not.

Louis places a soft kiss on his forehead before getting out of bed. He opens the drawer on the side table, pulling out a tattered journal. Louis had found this journal in his childhood bedroom when he was moving his things to Princess Park.

Apparently Louis was quite the writer in his childhood. His mum explained that Louis always loved writing his feelings down, never wanting to actually talk about them.

The more Louis read the pages, he remembered why he did this. It was refreshing. Maybe he should get more into that, it might help him deal with some of the emotions he was feeling right now.

Louis grabs a pen from the side table, popping the cap off. Louis writes for what feels like hours, about how much he loves Harry and how he'd suffer through a million lifetimes just to be with him.

If Harry would just let Louis love him, he'd do anything for him. He writes about Harry's addicting pink lips, his brown skin during the summer months, he writes about anything and everything.

After writing, Louis rereads the pages. He already felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Louis drops the journal back in the drawer, standing up from the bed.

Louis walks over to the closet, laying out some clothes for Harry to wear to his album release party tonight. His album was dropping tonight, meaning the chaos had only begun. Louis picks a dress shirt out of Harry's closet, laying it on the edge of the bed.

Louis runs his finger down the buttons of the shirt, imagining what he would wear if he could go. Why couldn't he go? He could just say that he's Harry's best friend. Best friend's supported each other, there was nothing suspicious about it.

He'd be so good if he was allowed to go. He'd stand in the corner, away from everyone. No one would ever know he was there. He's pulled out of his thoughts when he hears shuffling coming from the bed.

"Lou? Why are you crying?" Harry mumbles, his morning voice still prominent. Louis shakes his head, wiping his eyes. "'M not. You must be seeing things." He whispers, picking out a pair of shoes for Harry to wear.

He didn't want Harry to see him crying. This was supposed to be a happy day. A year of hard work was coming to fruition tonight. This was not the time for Louis to throw a pity party.

Harry frowns, getting out of bed. "Hey, one day you'll be able to come with me. I promise. I'm gonna talk to Simon tonight." Harry tells him, pulling Louis to his chest.

Louis nods. "Yeah, I know."

_

Louis jumps out of bed when he hears the front door slamming, followed by a picture falling off the wall. What the hell? Louis glances over at his alarm clock, seeing that it's well past 3 in the morning.

Louis had accidentally fell asleep waiting for Harry to get back from his party. Was Harry just now getting home? Louis hadn't expected him to stay out all night, especially not when Louis was waiting on him at home.

"Lou! Louis!" Harry shouts, slurring his words together. Louis groans, getting out of bed. He walks into the living room to see Harry trying to put the picture back on the wall.

"Didn't mean to... It just fell." Harry hiccups, dropping the picture to the floor. Louis grimaces as the picture breaks.

Louis' eyes widen. He had never seen Harry this fucked up. Harry wasn't the party type. What the hell had happened at his party?

"Alright, let's get you in bed." Louis mumbles, grabbing Harry's arm. He slowly pulls him to the bedroom, Harry mumbling the whole time.

Louis pushes Harry on the bed, lifting his legs up and laying them down.

"Lou, you're too good to me." Harry mumbles, turning over on his side. Louis sighs, taking Harry's shoes off.

"You're drunk." Louis states, suddenly overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol. Jesus Christ, the smell was pouring out of Harry's pores. How was Harry even conscious right now?

Harry giggles, burying his face in the pillow. "'M high too." He mumbles.

Louis raises his eyebrow. This is how this was going to go? Was he going to be off his face every time he came home from a night out? Had he even spoken to Simon? Or had he been too engrossed in taking body shots off of his model girlfriend to even think about Louis?

Louis shakes his head, getting back in bed. "Love you." Harry whispers, throwing his arm around Louis' waist.

Louis stares at the ceiling, tears threatening to slip out of his eyes. No matter how fucked up Harry was, Louis kept reminding himself that Harry loved him, and Louis would never find anyone else to love him.

"Yeah. Love you too, Haz."


	13. Chapter 13

"Lou... Wake up. I made breakfast." Harry whispers, shaking Louis' shoulder. "Get away from me, Harry." Louis mumbles, rolling over on the other side of the bed. Louis pulls the pillow over his face, hoping to block out any memory of last night.

He hadn't been able to get any sleep, too busy thinking up the worst scenarios that could've happened last night.

What if Harry got so fucked up that he cheated on Louis? It wouldn't be the first time something like that had happened to Louis.

What if Harry forgot to talk to Simon about the contract? Did Harry even want to talk to him about that?

Harry frowns, moving to the other side of the bed. He puts the plate right under Louis' nose.

"Come on... I woke up early just to make this for you. I feel like shit, but I still got up and did this for you." Harry groans.

Was Harry seriously trying to guilt trip Louis into eating his breakfast? Louis wasn't even hungry. He shouldn't even eat, Louis had seen how his stomach was a little more pudgy yesterday than normal.

Harry would never pick Louis over that model if he was pudgy.

Louis huffs, opening his eyes. He sees Harry standing beside the bed, holding a plate of pancakes and bacon.

"Fine." Louis mumbles, sitting up. He takes the plate from Harry, causing Harry to smile.

Maybe he could just hold the plate and not eat anything. Harry probably wouldn't even notice, too busy with his perfect life to realize Louis wasn't eating.

Harry sits on the edge of the bed, resting his hand on Louis' knee.

"I need to apologize, don't I?" Harry asks, dropping his smile.

Louis nods  
Louis nods. "Yes, you do." He answers. As much as Louis loves Harry, he still had to hold him accountable for what he had done. He couldn't let Harry just walk all over him. He might not exist to the rest of the world, but he did exist to Harry, so he had to act like it.

Harry sighs, picking strings off of his sweats, never making eye contact with Louis.

"I didn't mean to get that messed up, Lou. I really didn't." Harry starts, clearing his throat.

He finally picks his head up, dropping his gaze to the untouched plate of food in Louis' hands. "Eat. Made it for you." Harry mumbles, before looking back at his sweats.

Looks like Harry wasn't too busy with his life to realize Louis wasn't eating.

Louis frowns, shoving a piece of bacon in his mouth. "Well, you did." Louis mumbles, washing down his bite with a sip of tea.

Harry sighs. "I tried to talk to Simon." He says, turning his face to look at Louis.

Louis' eyes widen. "You did? I thought you had forgotten..." He says, feeling guilty.

He hadn't given Harry the benefit of the doubt. He had just assumed Harry was so busy at the party that he wasn't even thinking about Louis.

Harry shakes his head. "No, of course, I didn't forget. It's the only thing I thought about the whole night. I told him since my album was coming out and I had a good fanbase, I thought it was time to become public with you again."

Louis places his plate on the nightstand, scooting closer to Harry. He rests his cheek on Harry's shoulder. "What'd he say?" Louis whispers, afraid of the answer.

No matter what Simon's answer was, Louis would stay. Louis would always stay. Because Louis loved Harry too much to go without him, even if it destroyed him in the end.

Harry takes a deep breath. "It didn't go well, Lou. I'm sorry. He told me that the contract I signed lasted longer than I thought it did. I can't just break a contract. It's not that easy." Harry continues.

Louis lifts his head. "You didn't read the contract before you signed it?" Louis asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

He knew Harry was young when he signed it, but had he really not read the contract? Why wouldn't you read a contract? Sure, nobody ever reads every single word on a contract, but Harry didn't even at least skim it?

Harry rubs his hands over his face, standing up. Louis watches as he paces back and forth. "No, I didn't. I was 16, Louis. I didn't know what I was doing... Apparently, the contract lasts for 5 years." Harry mumbles.

Louis' jaw drops. 5 years was a long time. He couldn't believe Harry. Harry was out living his best life, of course, he didn't mind doing this for 4 more years.

While Harry was going to parties, going to the studio, hanging out with models, Louis was isolating himself.

Louis was barely showering, barely eating, and barely sleeping. This wasn't new for him, Louis had suffered from depression before he met Harry, but it always seemed to go away after a couple of months. Louis was always able to pull himself out, never letting it get too serious.

His mum would always come in his room, opening the blinds, turning the lights on. She would always make him his favorite meals, coaxing him to eat just a little bit. His mum always helped pull him out.

Now that Louis was half the world away, she couldn't take care of him the way he needed. Louis would have to do this on his own. To be honest, Louis wasn't sure if he could do this on his own.

It was miserable to be made out to feel like you weren't even alive. He got to see plenty of women living out their life with Harry the way he should be living it with him. He had to watch Harry take multiple girls out on dates, holding their hands, kissing them... That would destroy anyone.

As much as Louis wanted to be with Harry, Louis had to wonder if he could deal with this.

"5 fucking years? I have to hide for 4 more years?" He asks, growing angrier by the second.

Harry runs his fingers through his hair. "I know. I'll figure something out." Harry answers, shaking his head. Louis frowns.

That had been Harry's answer for a lot of things over the past year, when was he actually going to figure anything out?

Is this why Harry came home so drunk last night? Because he had been upset with Simon's answer? Or was he drunk before he talked to Simon? Louis had to know.

"That's why you got so messed up last night?" He asks. He knew it wasn't like Harry to get that drunk. Over the past year, Harry has been to several parties, and he's never seen him like he was last night.

Harry shrugs. "Maybe. Simon said some things about me... It really hurt." Harry says, his voice barely above a whisper.

Fucking Simon.

Louis stands up from the bed, walking toward Harry. "Haz, what did Simon say?" Louis asks.

Louis' blood was boiling at the thought of Simon saying something to hurt Harry. Who did Simon think he was? Who gave him the right to destroy their lives?

Harry shakes his head. "Doesn't matter. It's nothing I haven't said to myself before." Harry chuckles dryly.

Harry turns to walk out of the room, but Louis grabs his arm. "What are you talking about? What's going on?" Louis asks.

What had Harry been saying to himself? Louis hadn't seen Harry this conflicted since that night in his basement when Louis confronted him about the kiss.

Harry turns back around to face Louis. His eyes are watering and his cheeks are red. Harry starts biting his lip, causing Louis to pull him closer to him.

Harry takes a deep breath. "I just don't know about this anymore, Lou. I'm not who people expect me to be. I'm not who people want me to be." Harry whispers, a tear slipping out onto Louis' chest.

Louis' heart starts racing. Was Harry breaking up with him? Was Harry finally realizing that Louis wasn't worth the fight?

Was he still struggling with his sexuality? Louis thought that Harry was doing better with it. Harry hadn't mentioned anything about it in over a year.

Was that what this was about? Had Simon said something to Harry about being gay? Had Simon been saying things to make Harry question himself?

"What do you mean? Who do people expect you to be, Haz?" Louis asks, rubbing Harry's back.

"They expect me to be a guy who goes through 5 girls a month. They don't expect me to be the kind of guy that cuddles up to his boyfriend while they're watching The Notebook. Nobody expects me to be gay." Harry mumbles, pulling away.

Louis sighs, closing his eyes. He couldn't believe this. He wasn't mad at Harry for questioning himself. He'd never be upset about that. But it did make him feel bad that they had been together for a year and Harry was still struggling with being with him.

Was he struggling with it so much because he was with a guy? Or was Louis the part that Harry was struggling with?

"Harry, it doesn't matter who people expect you to be. All that matters is that you are who you want to be. Are you who you want to be?" Louis asks.

Harry shakes his head, turning to walk out of the room again.

"I don't know who I am, Lou."

Louis watches as Harry walks out of their bedroom. What was Harry talking about? Louis thought that Harry had been at peace with who he was. What had Simon said to make Harry revert to his 16-year-old self?

Louis follows Harry, grabbing his arm again. "Harry, stop walking away from me. We need to talk about this. Communication, yeah?" Louis asks, giving Harry a small smile.

Harry wipes his tears off of his cheeks, sniffling.

"I'm still struggling with being with a guy, Louis. It's just not who I thought I would be. I never pictured myself with a guy. I don't know how to handle this." Harry tells him.

Louis breathes in a sharp breath as Harry's words cut him like a knife.

"Harry, we've been together for a year. Why are you still struggling with this?" He asks, dropping Harry's arm.

Harry closes his eyes, tears falling out again. "I don't want to be gay, Louis. I don't want to deal with the things that gay people have to deal with. I don't want to have to adopt kids, I don't want to deal with people saying bad stuff about me." Harry explains.

"Harry, being gay is not a choice. You can't just choose not to be gay. You can't choose to be straight. It doesn't work like that." Louis explains.

Harry sighs. "I don't want to have to disappoint people." He mumbles.

Louis raises an eyebrow. "Because being gay is a disappointment?"

"Lou, you know what I mean. People look at me and expect me to be straight. That's my whole image. That's been my image for a year." Harry defends.

Louis rolls his eyes. "Yeah, and that's your fault. Because you signed a stupid contract you didn't even read."

Harry scoffs, walking away from Louis. "Harry, I'm miserable. I love you and I want to be with you, but not like this. I can't even go out on a date with you. People don't even know I exist." Louis shouts, tears streaming down his face.

He was so sick of having this argument with Harry. He just wanted things to go back to how they were before. Why couldn't things ever just stay the same?

Harry shakes his head. "I know that. I'll try to talk to Simon again."

"And you think he's going to magically let you out of your 5-year contract? You already tried that, Harry! And how did that turn out for you?" Louis spits.

Harry turns back around, stepping closer to Louis. "I don't have time for this. You had every chance to walk away from me, from this. And you chose to stay. I didn't make you stay, Louis." He shouts, pointing a finger in Louis' face.

Louis rolls his eyes, trying to ignore the way he could actually feel his heart breaking in his chest. Harry drops his finger, running a hand through his hair.

"Lou, I love you. I really do. I want to be with you the way it was before. But it can't be like that. Not for another 4 years. I'm sorry. I really am sorry that you have to stay cooped up in this house alone. That shit tears me up every single goddamn day, Louis. You're stupid if you think this doesn't hurt me as much as it hurts you." Harry says, gritting his teeth.

Louis stays silent, tears falling down his face. Harry was right. Harry was probably hurting more than Louis was. At least Louis didn't have someone telling him that he should hide who he is.

"I have to get ready. My album is coming out in a couple of hours and I have to meet up with Megan." Harry finishes, walking into the kitchen. Louis' heart drops at the mention of Harry's new girl of the month.

"Okay." Louis whispers.

_

"How does this look?" Harry asks, walking out of their closet. Louis sighs, not looking up from the book he's reading.

"Sorry, H, not in the mood to dress my boyfriend for his date with his flavor of the month." He mumbles, turning the page.

Harry frowns. "Louis, if you're going to act like that, this is never gonna work out." He tells him, walking over to the bed where Louis is laying. Louis lifts his eyes from the page, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, and it's going so great now, right?" Louis snaps, a small smile on his lips. Harry rolls his eyes. They had been arguing all morning. They were getting nowhere.

Louis wasn't sure what was going on with him. He normally wasn't the type to argue with someone, too worried that they would get tired of him fighting and walk away from him.

He didn't want to push Harry away, but he just couldn't stay silent about this.

"Jesus Christ, Lou. What do you want me to do, huh? Quit? You want me to tell Simon I'm done?" Harry asks, throwing his hands up in the air.

Louis chuckles. "Oh, please. Like you would actually do that."

Harry groans, walking into their ensuite. He slams the bathroom door behind him. Louis closes his book, placing it beside him on the bed.

Louis knows he should just drop it, but he couldn't help it. He was hurting.

Louis walks over to the bathroom, knocking. "Harry, I'm sorry. I'll drop it, alright?" He mumbles. He just wanted things to be okay. He didn't want to keep fighting.

He hears Harry slamming drawers in the bathroom. "No, you won't. Because you're going to be even more pissed off when you hear what I have to tell you next." Harry snaps, finally opening the door.

Louis takes a step back, allowing Harry to push by him. "What is it now?" Louis asks, following Harry into the living room. Harry puts his shoes on, never looking up at Louis.

"I have to go on tour in a month." Harry mumbles, standing back up. His back is to Louis, his hand on the doorknob.

Great. This is just what they needed. Time apart while they were going through one of the worst times in their relationship.

Louis takes a deep breath. "How long, H?" He asks, his voice shaking. Harry sighs, resting his forehead on the door.

"9 months."

"And I can't come with you?"

"What do you think, Lou?"

Louis slowly nods, turning back to go into their bedroom. He hears the front door slam, signaling that Harry has left to meet his new girlfriend.

_

After Harry leaves, Louis grabs his journal from the side drawer. Louis writes about Harry's struggle with his sexuality, how he feels like he's letting people down by being something different than they expect him to be.

Louis writes about himself and his journey with accepting his sexuality. Louis never questioned how he felt about guys. He had always known that he was gay and it was never a question.

He was never going to apologize for being gay and he was never going to hide that. For Louis, it felt like he was stepping into the light when he found out he was gay. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Louis remembers it as the best day of his life.

Being gay was nothing to be ashamed about, no one should ever feel like they had to apologize. Louis wishes Harry would be able to feel the way Louis felt. Louis just wanted Harry to accept who he is and to never go back to questioning it.

Louis just wanted Harry to know who he is.


	14. Chapter 14

Louis has been laying in bed for over three hours, scrolling through Twitter to see what seemed like hundreds of pictures of his boyfriend kissing his new girl. Louis was past the point of crying, he had cried so much that there weren't any tears left.

He was terrified that he had pushed Harry away earlier today. He shouldn't have argued that much. Louis didn't want Harry to get tired of him.

Louis thought about calling his mum to cry, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized it was a bad idea.

She'd ask him if he was eating and he'd have to lie. She'd ask him if he was happy and he wasn't sure what he would say to that.

He was happy, he was loved by someone like Harry. He was loved by someone. It's something Louis never imagined would happen to him. He couldn't just walk away from it.

But he wasn't happy. He was holed up in this apartment while his boyfriend went on dates with perfect models.

Louis had to kiss Harry's lips after they had been on someone else. Louis had to wash Harry's clothes and smell someone else all over them. Louis had to stay at home while Harry went to extravagant parties and get drunk.

Despite everything, Louis decided he was happy. He would be happy as long as Harry was around. He would be happy as long as Harry loved him.

He quickly exits out of the app when he hears their front door open. "Lou! I have a surprise." Harry shouts, slamming the door behind him. Louis quickly jumps out of bed, running to the living room.

He sees Harry standing at the door, holding a black blob of fur. Louis raises an eyebrow. "What is this?" He asks. Harry smiles, holding the blob out to Louis.

"I got you a puppy  
"I got you a puppy. I reckon if I'm gonna be gone for 9 months, you need something to keep you company." Harry explains. Louis reaches out to the blob of fur, holding it up to his face.

The puppy was kind of cute. He was black all over except for the white on his nose, chest, belly, and paws. The puppy sticks his tongue out, licking Louis' nose.

Louis giggles, pulling the puppy close to his chest. "What's his name?" Louis asks, cuddling the puppy close to him.

Harry smiles, his dimples poking out. "I named him Clifford, 'cause he's supposed to get really big." Harry explains.

Louis couldn't believe Harry got him a puppy. Was this his way of apologizing about earlier? Louis had always mentioned something about having a dog, but they always decided against it because their apartment wasn't big enough for a dog.

Louis' eyes widen when he remembers that they live in a small apartment.

"Where are we going to keep him? This apartment is too tiny for a big dog!" Louis says, looking around the living room.

Harry smiles even bigger now, pulling keys out from behind his back.

"I have another surprise. Let's go for a drive." Harry suggests. Louis' eyes widen even more. "A drive? Have you lost your mind? If people see us getting into a car together, Simon will have an aneurysm."

Harry laughs, grabbing Louis' arm. "Good. Then I get to be with you." Harry says, opening the front door.

Louis quickly slips some shoes on, carrying Clifford out to Harry's car. Louis constantly glances over his shoulder, making sure paparazzi hasn't decided to follow Harry home today.

_

After driving for over an hour, Louis and Clifford were starting to get restless. "Harry, what on earth have you done?" Louis groans, scratching Clifford behind his ear.

Harry chuckles, resting his hand on Louis' thigh as he drives. "Don't worry about it. We're almost there."

"I hope so." Louis mumbles.

Louis had no idea where Harry was taking him. Louis was constantly looking behind their car, hoping no one was following them. He knew if anyone saw Louis leaving Harry's house, there'd be hell to pay.

Simon would make sure of that.

Soon after, they pull up to the most beautiful house Louis has ever seen.

"Harry, what is going on?" Louis asks, his eyes wide   
"Harry, what is going on?" Louis asks, his eyes wide. Harry stops the car, opening his door.

"This, Louis, is our new home." He explains, unbuckling his seatbelt.

He steps out of the car, turning to face the house. Louis quickly copies his movements, placing Clifford on the ground.

"You can't be serious."

"Oh, I'm very serious. Bought it today. It's not fair for you to have to stay in that tiny apartment for 9 months while I'm gone. I don't think Cliff would appreciate it either. It's very private, nobody has access up here unless they have a house near us." Harry explains, studying Louis' face.

Louis' jaw drops. "So, you're saying that I can actually leave the house? And nobody will know where I live?" Louis asks. Harry nods. Louis could cry.

He had been cooped up in an apartment for over a year, never able to leave the house because people would know that he was leaving Harry's house.

Harry did this for him? Louis wraps his arms around Harry's neck, squeezing him. "Thank you, Hazza. This is insane." Louis whispers, nuzzling into Harry's neck.

"You're welcome, Lou. It's the least I could do." Harry says, holding Louis.

Louis couldn't believe he was this lucky to have such a perfect boyfriend who would do this for him. He never thought anything like this would happen to him.

Louis decided then that he would stop fighting with Harry so much about their situation. Harry was a good boyfriend, he loved Louis. It wasn't his fault that he had gotten stuck with an asshole of a manager.

Harry was doing his best to make the situation as perfect as possible, and that was enough for Louis.

Harry was enough for Louis.

He just hoped he was enough for Harry.


	15. Chapter 15

*1 month later*

"Lou, why don't you help me pack?" Harry groans. Harry and Louis had been in their house for almost a month exactly and Harry was already packing up his stuff again.

Harry would leave in the morning to go on tour for 9 months, and Louis was really stressed about it. He was trying to hide it by teaching Clifford new tricks, but Harry could see through him.

He was trying to hide it by teaching Clifford new tricks, but Harry could see through him  
"Can't, teaching Clifford how to roll over." Louis responds, placing a treat on the ground in front of Clifford. He watches as the dog sniffs the treat, before pushing it away with his paw. Louis rolls his eyes.

"Dad got you spoiled on chicken, huh? You don't want any dog treats?" Louis mumbles, going to the refrigerator to pull out some chicken.

Raising a puppy together had proved harder than either one of them thought it would be. Harry was constantly sneaking Clifford table scraps and pieces of chicken instead of his actual dog food. Louis was always letting Clifford run around without a leash, worrying Harry to death.

"What are you mumbling about me?" Harry asks, coming up behind Louis and wrapping his arms around his waist. He presses a kiss to Louis' bare shoulder, nuzzling into his neck.

He had to bend down quite a bit to reach Louis' shoulder. Harry had grown since he first met Louis over two years ago. Louis was growing used to the height difference. He didn't mind it, it made him feel safe when Harry held him.

He was realizing he needed Harry's protection more than ever lately.

"I'm telling Cliff that his dad spoils him too much." Louis answers, turning around so that he's facing Harry. Harry smiles, pressing a kiss to Louis' lips.

"Yeah, what about it?" Harry mumbles, never leaving Louis' lips.

Louis had fallen more in love with Harry after moving into their big house. Somehow, it felt more domestic than the apartment. He loved the lazy mornings when he would take Clifford out for a walk while Harry was still in bed.

Harry would eventually make his way out to the yard, wrapping his arms around Louis, murmuring sweet whispers in his ear.

It was what Louis would miss most while Harry was gone.

Louis presses his hands against Harry's chest, pushing him back. "Nope. You have to pack. Don't try to get out of it." Louis scolds him, handing a very patient Clifford a piece of chicken.

Harry groans. "But, Lou, you're so much better at it than I am." Harry pouts. Louis laughs and shakes his head. Harry was still just as pouty as he was when he met him.

"That's the point, Haz. You gotta get better. I'm not going to be there during the tour to pack up your things for you every time you leave a hotel." Louis tells him, heading back into the living room.

Harry frowns, following him. "Yeah, but I can pay someone to do it while I'm on tour." Harry says, laying on the floor with Clifford. Clifford plops himself onto Harry's chest, licking his face. Harry laughs, trying to push the energetic puppy away.

"Yeah, I get it. You're rich. But that doesn't mean you don't have to learn basic life skills. Packing is a basic life skill. I shouldn't have to teach an almost 19-year old man how to pack a suitcase." Louis tells him, shaking his head.

"'S not my fault. Mum didn't teach me before I moved out." Harry pouts.

" Harry pouts  
Louis laughs. "It shouldn't be something you have to be taught how to do. Just throw clothes in a suitcase."

"Yeah, but I'll be gone for 9 months. How do you even pack for 9 months away from your home? Should I just pack everything?" Harry groans, sitting up.

"Fine. Fine. I'll do it." Louis gives in, throwing his hands up in the air.

_

After packing up the majority of Harry's clothes, Louis is laying on the bed, cuddling up to Harry's side. Harry is rubbing his large hands over Louis' back, slowly drifting off to sleep. Cliff is at the edge of the bed, snoring his heart out.

Louis screws his nose up, trying to hold back a sneeze. Harry's hair had grown a great deal since they met two years ago, and it was currently tickling Louis' nose.

He loved Harry's hair. The longer it grew, the more curls popped out. Louis always admired Harry's curls, but they just looked so good when his hair was longer.

"This is the last night for 9 months we'll be able to sleep in the same bed." Harry mumbles, halting his movements on Louis' skin. Louis lifts his head, looking in Harry's eyes. They were glossy and Harry was biting his bottom lip. Louis frowns.

He had been avoiding this conversation for the past week, hoping that if neither one of them brought it up, Harry wouldn't actually have to leave. He wasn't sure what was going to happen. He had never been in a long distance relationship before.

"I'll call you every night and we'll stay on the phone until we fall asleep." Louis answers, pressing a kiss to Harry's cheek.

Harry gives him a small smile. "What about time zones?" He asks. "Call me whenever you're back in your hotel. I have nowhere to be. I'll take a nap with you if it's during the day here, or I'll stay up as late as I have to."

Harry rolls over on his side, causing Louis to pull away from his chest. Harry slowly leans in, pressing his lips against Louis'. Louis closes his eyes, sighing into the kiss. Louis wanted to freeze this moment and bottle it up for the next 9 months. He couldn't bear the thought of this being the last kiss he and Harry shared for the next 9 months.

Harry moans against Louis' lips, pulling him closer. Louis throws his leg around Harry's waist, straddling him.

It had been quite a while since Harry was on Louis' lap. He had grown too big. Louis longed for the days when Harry would cuddle up on his lap, wrapping his legs around him.

Harry slides his hands down to Louis' waist, giving him a squeeze. Louis is the first one to break away, trying to catch his breath.

"Guess I should give you something to last you for the next 9 months, yeah?" Louis whispers, leaning down to press a kiss on Harry's neck.

Despite knowing each other for 2 years, Harry hadn't felt comfortable with going any further than sleepy blowjobs in the early morning hours or fumbling hands in the shower.

Louis wasn't complaining, he knew from the beginning that Harry would take his time, and honestly, the sleepy blowjobs and fumbling hands were better than anything Louis' ever experienced with anyone else.

Harry's breath catches in his throat as Louis runs his tongue over his neck, giving gentle bites.

"Lou... I uh, I'm ready." Harry whispers, making Louis pull away. Louis' eyes meet Harry's, searching for the smallest hint that he's bluffing.

"You are?" Louis asks, wanting to make sure.

Harry nods, pushing the sides of Louis' shirt up, signaling that he wanted Louis to take it off.

Harry had been teasing Louis all night, prancing around in Louis' shirt and his boxers, bending over all around the house, wiggling his ass.

Louis thought that Harry just wanted to tease him. He was okay with that, he loved watching Harry prance around the house.

Louis takes the hint, lifting the shirt over his head. Harry quickly presses a kiss to Louis' chest, leading down to Louis' nipples.

Louis' mouth opens, a moan slipping out as Harry latches his lips to his nipple, flicking his tongue over the hardened bud.

Louis tangles his fingers in Harry's curly hair, giving it a tug. Harry quickly flips them over, causing Louis to lay on his back.

Harry crawls on top of Louis, burying his face in his neck. Louis was surprised at how well Harry was doing for this to be his first time.

"Please, Lou? Been wanting you all day... Just need you." Harry groans, rutting his hips against Louis'.

Louis breathes in a sharp breath, nodding. He watches as Harry crawls down so that his face is right above Louis' obvious bulge in his boxers. Harry lowers his face down, pressing a gentle kiss to Louis' swollen tip through the fabric.

Louis quickly bucks his hips up, silently begging for Harry to take him in his mouth. Harry slides Louis' boxers down his slender legs, letting them pool at his ankles.

As soon as Harry wraps his large hands around Louis' swollen shaft, Louis could feel his head getting cloudy, his eyes threatening to shut.

This wasn't like Louis, he was always the one in control. He'd have to remind Harry of who was in control.

_

The next morning, Louis and Harry wake up to someone banging on their door. Clifford immediately jumps out of bed, running to the front door.

Louis groans, following him. He was just in his boxers, the scratches on his back too fresh to put on a shirt.

He rubs his hands over his face, trying to wake up before he opens the door. "Sh... You're gonna wake dad up." Louis mumbles, bending down to rub Clifford's head. Louis stands back up, opening the door.

"He's not opening his door  
"He's not opening his door. Oh, actually, never mind." The guy at the door mumbles, ending his phone call as he spots Louis.

"Is Harry ready? He told me to be here at 8 and it's past 8." The guy mumbles, shifting his gaze into the house, behind Louis.

Louis raises his eyebrow. He had never seen this guy before. "Uh, and you are?" Louis asks, skeptical of the random man at his door.

When they had moved in, Harry said this was a private place. So why was this guy at their house? How did he know Harry?

Shit. Louis shouldn't have answered the door. He knows as soon as Harry and this guy get on the road, he's going to question who Louis is.

The guy rolls his eyes, clearly frustrated with Harry for not being on time. "I'm Mitch. I'm in Harry's band." He answers.

Louis' eyes widen. Was this guy lying? He knew everyone in Harry's band. He hadn't remembered Harry mentioning this guy before.

Was he some kind of paparazzi?

Mitch groans again, sensing Louis' disbelief. "I'm new. I just started last week." He explains. His eyes light up as Louis hears footsteps behind him.

"Lou, who's at the door?" Harry asks, his voice raspy. Louis blushes, remembering how sore Harry's throat must be.

Louis hadn't wanted to be that rough with Harry for his first time, but when Harry started begging him to go harder, faster, rougher... He couldn't deny his beautiful boy of what he wanted.

Harry looks out the door, spotting Mitch. His eyes light up.

"Mitchell!" He says, hugging him. Mitch rolls his eyes. "You're late" He mumbles. Harry glances at the clock on the wall, swearing.

"Shit, man. I'm sorry. I forgot." Harry answers before running back into the bedroom, throwing a pair of sweats on. Louis awkwardly stands with Mitch, not sure what to say.

Mitch glances at Louis. "Don't worry, I'll take care of him. I'll give you some privacy." He states, walking back over to his car. Louis whispers out a soft "thanks", before heading into the bedroom to meet Harry.

"I'm sorry. If I had known it was someone from your band, I wouldn't have answered." Louis says, looking at their floor. He didn't want Harry to think that he was trying to have people find out about them.

Louis had been told before by other people that he had a habit of being too eager to tell people they were together. Louis never understood that. If you're with someone, why wouldn't you tell people you're together? What is it with the rule about having to wait a certain amount of time before telling people?

Harry rolls his suitcase over to the door, placing it beside his multiple other bags.

"Why does it matter?" Harry asks, furrowing his eyebrows. Louis sighs. "God, I must've really fucked you good last night. You forgot you were leaving for tour this morning and you forgot that we're in a secret relationship that no one can know about." He jokes, trying to fight back the tears that he already felt forming.

Harry blushes, rolling his eyes. "You're good, but you're not that good, Lou." He states, walking towards Louis. He wraps him up in his arms. "Besides, Mitch knows about us."

Louis snaps his head up to meet Harry's eyes. Why was Harry going around telling people he just met a week ago about them? Was he finally rebelling against what Simon says?

"Why? You told him?" Louis asks.

Harry smiles, rubbing Louis' back. "Yeah. 'Course, I did. He's a cool dude. He won't say anything to anyone. I went in the studio last week upset about having to leave you, and he was the only one there. I just needed to talk to someone about it." Harry explains, pulling Louis closer.

Louis smiles. This was a small step, but to Louis, it was a big enough step to keep him holding on to this secret relationship.

It warmed Louis' heart to know that Harry was confiding in someone about their relationship. Louis had assumed that Harry was so excited to go on tour that he hadn't even thought about leaving Louis at home.

Harry takes a deep breath, pulling away from Louis.

"I should go. Mitch doesn't like to be late." He mumbles, his voice breaking. Louis nods, wiping a tear from his cheek. Harry grabs Louis' cheeks, resting his forehead against his.

"Hey, no crying. We'll talk every day. I'll be home before you know it." Harry whispers, pressing a kiss to Louis' nose.

"Go out there and break a leg, kid." Louis mumbles, fighting back even more tears. He wanted to be happy for Harry, but it was so hard. He just wanted him home with him.

Harry smiles, giving Louis one last hug. He bends down to the floor, calling Clifford over. "Alright, bud. Be good for dad, yeah?" Harry teases, giving Clifford a belly rub.

Louis watches as Harry stands up, grabbing his bags. Harry gives Louis one last smile before walking out the front door for the last time for 9 months.

_

Later that night, Louis was writing in his journal, waiting for Harry's phone call. Harry's first stop on the tour was the Toyota Amphitheater in Yuba County, so there wasn't a time difference between there and LA.

When Louis looked up the Toyota Amphitheater, he was surprised when he saw that it holds almost 20,000 people. For Harry's first tour, he was already pretty successful. Louis couldn't be more proud than he is right now.

Louis was writing about his adventures last night. Harry's moans had sounded like the perfect song in Louis' ears. Louis had never felt that way with anyone else before.

He had been with other guys before Harry, but it had never been as perfect as it was last night. Last night, Louis had felt like he was in heaven.

When he felt Harry's mouth wrapped around him, it took him right back to a summer day when you've spent all day in the sun and you finally get your mouth on the juciest watermelon. It's so refreshing and it's enough to make your eyes roll back in your head.

Now that he had that piece of Harry, he wasn't sure he could ever go without it.

He would have to do without it for at least 9 months while Harry was on tour.

It hurt Louis for Harry to be away for so long, but it was worth it to see Harry living out his dream. It was almost 1 in the morning and Harry had finished his first concert an hour ago. Clifford whimpers, laying beside Louis on the bed.

Louis sighs, rubbing Clifford's head. "He'll call, Cliff. He promised." He mumbles. As soon as he says that, his phone rings.

Louis almost falls off the bed, reaching for his phone. He slides his thumb over the icon, watching as the FaceTime connects.

"Lou! That was incredible!" Harry shouts, propping the phone up on the hotel room dresser. Louis watches as Harry changes out of his black dress shirt, slipping on one of Louis' old shirts.

Louis smiles. "Tell me everything." He responds, propping his phone up against Harry's pillow. Louis cuddles into the bed, smelling Harry's cologne on his pillow. Harry quickly pulls his pants off, slipping his old sweats on.

"There must've been 15,000 people there. They were all screaming for me, holding up signs. They knew every word to every song." Harry rambles.

Louis struggles to keep his eyes open as he listens to Harry tell him about his day. It was later than Louis had stayed up in a while, and he wasn't having much energy after not eating regularly throughout the day.

"And the after party..." Harry starts, causing Louis' ears to perk up. Louis would be naive if he thought that Harry wouldn't party while he was on tour, and he really didn't mind if he partied, he just wanted him to be safe.

He didn't want him to get as fucked up as he had gotten that night he talked to Simon. He didn't want anyone to be able to hurt Harry. Louis couldn't help it when his mind wandered to who else was at the party.

"Mitch wouldn't let me drink anything. Said I needed to be clear-minded. Whatever that means. I think something is going on with him and Sarah." Harry keeps rambling, never stopping to take a breath.

Louis had never heard Harry talk so fast. Louis had grown used to the way Harry took 10 minutes to answer a yes or no question.

Louis nods, his eyes closing. He was trying so hard to stay awake, but he just couldn't.

Harry gets in bed, placing his phone beside him, seeing how tired Louis is.

"'Night, Lou." Harry mumbles, pulling the blankets over him.

"'Night, Hazza."


	16. Chapter 16

*4 months later*

"'S like the concerts just get better and better every single time!" Harry shouts, changing out of his clothes. This time, Harry was in New York City. He had just got done with a concert, and as usual, he was full of energy.

This had become Louis' favorite part of his day. He loved hearing Harry's stories about the concerts and the parties. 

It had been four months of touring, and Louis was doing better than he thought he would do with it.

Harry called Louis every single night after a concert, sleeping on the phone with him. Harry hadn't been partying too hard and he seemed to be happy.

Louis was still struggling with eating three proper meals a day and showering on days he didn't leave the house, but he wasn't as miserable as he thought he would be.

However, Louis did find himself struggling with feeling empty somedays. It was hard being here alone, with no one to talk to. He could call his mum, but it wasn't the same thing.

Louis was lucky that he had Clifford. Louis thinks that if he hadn't had Clifford during this time, he'd go crazy.

Louis nods, pulling the blankets up to his chin. There was only a 3 hour time difference between New York and LA, meaning it was 11 pm here.

"Only 5 more months... You gonna be bored when you come back home to live your domesticated life?" Louis asks, grinning at Harry.

Despite his smile, Louis was genuinely worried that Harry would come back and be bored with Louis. Louis didn't look like the people Harry was hanging out with. He wasn't as fun, he wasn't as skinny, and he wasn't as interesting.

Louis was just Louis.

Harry never made Louis feel like this, Harry always made Louis feel like he was the most perfect thing in the world.

Louis still wasn't sure why someone like Harry was interested in someone like Louis.

Harry chuckles, rolling his eyes. "Absolutely not, Lou. As much as I love this life, I miss my life back at home." He says, snuggling into his pillow.

Louis blushes. Harry gently chews on his bottom lip, causing Louis to laugh. "What now, H?" Louis asks, causing Harry to pout.

"Dunno what you're talking about." He mumbles, blushing.

Louis rolls his eyes. Did Harry really think that after almost two and a half years of being with him, Louis couldn't tell when he wanted to tell him something?

Harry biting his lip had become his signature when he wanted to tell Louis something. Harry couldn't hide anything from Louis.

Louis raises his eyebrow, waiting on a response from Harry. Harry goes silent for a moment before clearing his throat.

Fine, if Harry wasn't going to tell him, Louis was just going to go to bed. He had gotten better about staying up late for Harry, but he still couldn't stay up super late.

Louis closes his eyes, preparing himself for sleep.

"Marry me, Lou."

Louis' eyes shoot open, his breath catching in his throat. Louis moves his hand to his thigh, pinching the skin there. He must be dreaming.

Either that or Harry has started talking in his sleep. Louis grimaces when he pinches his skin so hard that he knows there'll be a bruise there in the morning. Okay, definitely not dreaming.

Louis looks at the screen, seeing Harry staring back at him. Okay, Harry wasn't talking in his sleep either. "Did I hear you right?" Louis asks, sitting up in bed.

"Why not? I love you, you love me. You're who I want to be with." Harry explains, chewing on his bottom lip again.

"What would Simon say about this?" Louis asks, furrowing his eyebrows. This was a huge step for Harry. Just 6 months ago, he was still struggling with the fact that he was with a guy, and now he wanted to marry Louis?

Louis couldn't believe this. Harry wanted to marry Louis? Louis never thought anyone would love him enough to marry him. Much less someone like Harry.

Harry groans, running his fingers through his hair. It had gotten so much longer since Louis had seen him last, and Louis loved it.

"Fuck what Simon says. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, don't you want that?" Harry asks.

Of course, Louis wanted to be with Harry for the rest of his life, there was no doubt about that. But Louis had always imagined being in a relationship he didn't have to hide when he got married. Maybe if they got married, they could convince Simon to let them be public.

Surely Simon couldn't force Harry to hide an actual marriage?

"Of course." Louis answers. His heart races at the thought of marrying Harry, wearing a ring on his hand, officially Harry's. Harry smiles, his dimples popping out. Harry smiles, clearly content with Louis' answer.

"When I get home in September, we'll get married." Harry says, causing Louis' eyes to widen again.

"That soon? What's gotten into you, Haz?" He asks. Louis wanted to be with Harry, but he didn't know what the rush was.

Louis had just turned 21 and Harry had just turned 19, they had the rest of their lives together. Louis had assumed they would be engaged for longer than 5 months before getting married.

It's not that Louis had any doubts, it's just that he didn't understand the rush.

"I want to marry you, Louis. What's wrong with that?" Harry says, getting defensive. Louis frowns. This wasn't like Harry. He wasn't the type to rush something.

Regardless, Louis wanted to marry Harry, he knew that for sure.

Louis sighs, trying to push his thoughts to the back of his head. "Nothing. Just wasn't expecting it to be so soon, 's all."

Harry slowly closes his eyes, pulling his blankets over him. "Good. Just family. Keep it small." He mumbles, before drifting off to sleep.

Louis wasn't sure what was going on with Harry, but he honestly didn't mind it. He was going to marry the most beautiful boy he's ever seen in 5 months.


	17. Chapter 17

*5 months later*

Harry takes a deep breath, his hands shaking as he holds the paper in his hands. Louis gives him a small smile, reaching his hand out to touch Harry's. Harry's eyes flicker from the paper to Louis' eyes, slowly winking.

"Okay... Here I go," Harry mumbles, making everyone laugh. Louis looks out to the group. It was a small group, much smaller than Louis ever imagined his wedding would be.

The group consisted of Louis' mum and his siblings, Harry's mum, Gemma, Mitch, and Sarah. Their wedding was taking place outside, in the backyard of their house. This was the only place they could do it, to guarantee that pictures wouldn't get out. It was small, but very pretty.

When Harry clears his throat, Louis looks back at him. He couldn't believe he was marrying this man. Harry looked so beautiful with his suit and his slicked back hair.

Louis never thought he'd be getting married. He never thought anyone would want him that much.

Harry had only been home from tour for a week and they were already getting married. Harry kept trying to convince Louis to push the date up, but Louis managed to keep the date the same.

Harry had been pressing this wedding really hard. He'd almost convinced Louis to fly to wherever Harry was and get married at a random courthouse.

Louis couldn't figure out what the rush was, but he just assumed Harry was excited about getting married.

Harry starts his vows, pulling Louis out of his thoughts.

"Louis... When I met you almost 3 years ago, I never imagined that we would be here. I never imagined that I would be marrying the man I fell in love with when I was 16. But now that it's here, it's everything I could ever want." Harry starts, his voice shaky.

His eyes meet Louis' again, before going back to the paper.

"I uh... I've put you through a lot. I've asked you to move to another country with me. I've asked you to live out my dream, instead of yours. I've asked you to hide yourself, hide what we have. I've done a lot of selfish things. And you're still here. And I think that tells me everything I need to know about you."

"Because you've stayed with me, I know that you love me more than I could ever love myself. Because you've stayed with me, I know that you'll always be there for me. I know that you, Louis Tomlinson, are one of the most selfless people I know. For the entirety of our relationship, you have put my wants in front of your needs. I think it takes a very special person to do that." Harry continues, clearing his throat.

Tears were falling down his cheeks, falling onto the paper. Harry takes another deep breath, looking back out to the group. He looks at his mum, before looking back at Louis.

"You helped a shy, confused, 16-year-old boy turn into a man who can stand in front of 20,000 people every night and be open about how he feels. I know I'll never be able to repay you for what you've done for me... what you've sacrificed for me. But I promise, I'll spend every day of the rest of my life making it up to you." Harry finishes, leaning over and giving Louis a quick kiss.

Louis fights back tears, his throat tightening up. He was so proud of Harry. He had come such a long way from when they first met. Louis never imagined that they would be standing in front of their family proclaiming their love for each other. 

Louis smiles, his face turning red. Gemma quickly hands Louis his paper. Louis glances at the paper before handing it back to Gemma.

Louis didn't need to read off of a piece of paper to remember how he felt about Harry. Everything that he had written about Harry seemed to come nowhere near how he felt in this moment.

He needed to speak from his heart, not the paper.

"I don't need this. I know how I feel about him." He mumbles. He takes a deep breath, grabbing Harry's hands.

"Hazza... My beautiful boy. You have asked a lot of me. You've asked me to give up things that I never thought I'd give up. My dream, my home, my freedom, my openness about my sexuality." Louis starts, making the group fall silent. Harry's eyes widen, his face pale. Louis gives him a small smile.

"But. I gave all of those things up without question because you are worth more than any of those things. They could lock me up in a prison cell for loving you, and I still wouldn't stop. Nothing could ever stop my love for you. When you signed our love away a year and a half ago, I never thought we'd be here."

"I thought I'd be done. I thought I wouldn't make it. I struggled a lot the first year, but I got through it because of you. You were my reason to get out of bed, my reason to live another day. And every time I saw that smile of yours when you finished another concert, or finished another song, it made everything worth it. And I'd do it for the rest of my life if it meant I got to be with you." Louis finishes, giving Harry's hand a gentle squeeze.

_

*Turning Page Sleeping at Last*

Louis hums in Harry's ear as they dance together, his cheek pressed against Harry's shoulder. The rest of the group were dancing and eating, leaving Harry and Louis in their own little world. Harry pulls back slightly, chewing on his bottom lip.

"Spit it out, Haz." Louis mumbles, a smile on his lips. He would never get tired of seeing Harry bite his lip when he got nervous.

Harry shifts his glance from the group, back to Louis. He sighs. "I didn't know that you struggled that much." Harry whispers, referring to Louis' vows.

He hadn't meant to say those things, they just came out. That's how Louis really felt about Harry. He felt like Harry had asked him to give up everything, but that it was worth it.

Louis had told Harry when they first met that he struggled with depression, it's just something that almost seemed to follow Louis around. No matter the circumstances, Louis would fall in and out of a depression.

Louis hadn't been open with Harry about how he was feeling lately, not wanting to distract him from his tour and the wedding. Harry had more important things to worry about than something Louis had dealt with for years before.

Louis shrugs. "I mean, yeah. I actually think I handled it better than most people would've." He responds, pulling Harry closer to him to finish their first dance together.

Harry runs his thumb over Louis' ring finger, feeling the new ring. Harry had never given Louis an engagement ring, but Louis didn't mind. His wedding ring made up for it.

"Why didn't you tell me? It's dangerous to feel like someone is your only reason to live... What if something had happened to me? Would you have been alright without me?" Harry asks, dropping his head down to Louis' ear.

Louis breathes in a sharp breath, thinking back to the days where he was so depressed he couldn't bear to get in the shower most days. He didn't want to think about anything happening about Harry.

Louis always had a habit of co-depending on someone. It's not that he meant to, he just got attached. For Louis, when he loved someone, they were the only thing that could make him happy in the dark times.

Before he can respond, Harry continues.

"Lou, I love that I'm a place of comfort for you. I love that I can make things better for you. But you have to find something else to live for. Something that can't go away. Life is temporary. My life is temporary. Clifford is temporary. Money is temporary. I don't want you to depend on something to make you happy, only for it to go away one day." Harry whispers, placing a kiss to Louis' temple.

Louis nods, feeling tears threatening to slip out. He knew Harry was right, but he couldn't help but feel like Harry was saying that he wouldn't always be around. Was he planning on leaving him?

Louis quickly pushes the thought away. Harry wouldn't marry Louis if he was going to leave him. 

"I know. I think I'm doing better now though." Louis lies, not wanting to worry Harry.

"Things have gotten easier. You're not having to date anyone else, you're not gonna be on tour for another year... and maybe Simon will actually let us be together now. Who knows? Maybe this will be the last night we have to be secret." Louis tells him, swaying with Harry's body.

Their chests were pressed together, holding each other so tight.

Harry stays silent, except for humming along to the song that was playing.

"I surrender who I've been for who you are

For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

If I had only felt how it feels to be yours

Well I would've known

What I've been living for all along

What I've been living for"

_

"God, I'm so tired. Remind me to never get married again." Louis groans, flopping on their bed. Harry laughs, laying down beside him. "That's the plan, love." Harry responds, turning over on his side.

After their first dance, they hung out with their friends for a couple of hours before finally turning in. They had an early flight to catch tomorrow morning and they needed all the sleep they could get.

For their honeymoon, Harry had booked a place in Bora Bora. Louis was surprised when Harry told him, he had assumed they wouldn't be able to go on a honeymoon because of paparazzi.

They had to go on separate flights, but they'd be able to spend two straight weeks together in paradise before Harry starts working on his second album.

"I'm gonna get in the shower, I'll be right back." Harry mumbles, pressing a quick kiss to Louis' lips. Louis watches as Harry walks into the ensuite, peeling off his suit.

Louis walks into their closet, changing into his sweats. When he lays back on the bed, Clifford jumps up next to him, pieces of white stuck to his face. Louis furrows his eyebrows.

"Cliff... What have you gotten into now?" He groans, getting back out of bed. Clifford has reverted to his puppy days, chewing on anything and everything.

Louis quickly heads downstairs, trying to find what the dog had destroyed this time. His question is answered when he goes into the living room, seeing papers all over the floor.

Louis bends over, picking up the pieces. Louis hoped it wasn't anything important because the papers were barely legible, thanks to Clifford. When Louis walks over to the trash bin, he catches a glimpse of words on the paper.

"5 more years"

"Harry Styles"

"Kendall Jenner"

"Signed by Harry Styles"


	18. Chapter 18

Louis walks into the bedroom, carrying the papers. This must be the current contract, but he didn't remember Harry mentioning anything about Kendall Jenner.

What did Kendall have to do with any of this? As far as Louis knows, Harry had never even had a conversation with her, much less met her.

Harry walks out of the bathroom, a towel tied around his waist.

"I'm so glad I can call you my husband now..." Harry mumbles, walking over to Louis and wrapping him in his arms. "Can't wait to get my husband in bed." He whispers, dipping his head down to Louis' neck.

Louis smiles, pulling away from Harry, handing him the papers.

"Well, you're gonna have to scold your son. He tore up our contract. Guess he's sick of this shit, too." Louis jokes, getting into bed.

Harry furrows his eyebrows, his eyes scanning the document. His eyes widen before going to the bathroom and throwing away the pieces.

Louis cocks his head to the side. "What is it?" He asks, curious as to why Harry had that look on his face. Harry must've read that contract over a million times since he signed it.

After finding out that he hadn't read it before he signed it, Louis demanded that they sit down together and read it, so they could know exactly what Simon had taken away from them.

Why did Harry pull that face? It's like he was shocked about it.

Harry shakes his head, biting his lip. He walks into the closet, dropping his towel. He searches for a pair of sweats to wear. Louis sits up in bed.

"No... You're biting your lip. That means there's something you're not telling me." He mumbles, pulling the blankets off of his lap.

What was Harry hiding? He knew Harry well enough to know that something is going on, he just doesn't know what it is.

Harry sighs, his shoulders dropping. "Lou, not tonight, alright?" He groans, pulling his pants over his legs.

He walks over to the bed, leaning over and kiss Louis' forehead. "Just wanna go to bed with my beautiful husband."

Louis frowns. There was no way Harry was just going to distract him and act like nothing was going on.

"Well, I'd like it if my stubborn husband would tell me what's going on." He responds, watching as Harry runs his hands over his face.

"Wasn't the old contract, Lou," Harry mumbles, sitting on the edge of the bed. Louis watches as Harry's hands shake, running through his long hair. Louis furrows his eyebrows.

"Then what was it?"

Then it hits him. That wasn't the old contract. The old contract. His eyes widen as he stands up from the bed.

"Harry, what was it?" He demands, an edge to his voice. Harry breathes out a shaky breath, wiping a tear from his cheek.

"Babe, you gotta stay calm, alright? I don't want to spend our first night as a married couple arguing."

Louis takes a step back. No. No. Harry couldn't have. Harry wouldn't. Especially not after he stood in front of his whole family and said how bad he felt about making Louis hide.

Louis feels his throat tightening, that sick feeling in his stomach. He feels his heart quicken, hearing it beat in his ears. Louis' mouth starts getting dry.

He knew what this was, he was panicking. He couldn't do this, not now. He had to compose himself. He had to get to the bottom of that contract.

Louis closes his eyes, taking a couple deep breaths.

Harry stands up, stepping towards him. He grabs Louis' hands, probably so Louis couldn't slap him in the head for whatever he was going to say next.

Harry closes his eyes. "You know I love you. And you know I never want to hurt you." Harry starts, opening his eyes back up. Louis shakes his head.

"Harry, stop the bullshit. Tell me." He shouts, tears falling down his face.

He already knew what was going on, but he needed Harry to admit it.

Harry sighs. "I had to. Simon was threatening to take everything away."

Louis pulls his hands away from Harry's, still shaking his head. "At some point, you have to take responsibility. Simon is a terrible person, but he isn't holding a gun to your head, forcing you to sign these goddamn contracts. That is all you, Harry." He shouts, turning to walk out of the bedroom.

He couldn't believe Harry. After almost two years into the first contract, he signs a second contract.

Louis has to start questioning if Harry loves him.

If he loved him, why would he continue to do this? Harry follows Louis out of the bedroom, grabbing him by the waist.

"Louis. Listen to me. We've done this for two years, we can keep doing it." Harry begs, tears soaking his chest. Louis' eyes widen.

"No. No. Don't start with that. We haven't been doing anything. I have been doing it all. I'm the one cooped up in the house. I'm the one home alone for 9 months while you're out partying. I'm the one that nobody knows exists. And what happened to 'fuck what Simon says', Harry? Isn't that what you said when you proposed to me?" Louis shouts, throwing his hands up in the air.

Harry lowers his eyes to the floor, too ashamed to meet Louis' eyes. Louis' heart drops as he thinks his next thought. "Harry... Did you marry me so I had to agree to this? So I couldn't leave you?" He whispers, his voice breaking.

When Harry doesn't respond, Louis walks into the bedroom, heading to the closet.

"Louis, of course not. I married you because I love you. I married you because I meant every fucking word I said out there tonight." Harry argues, getting between Louis and his clothes. Louis pushes him out of the way, taking his shirts off of the hangers, going back to the bed to place them in his suitcase.

"No, Harry, you didn't. You said you'd spend the rest of your life repaying me. This is repaying me? Signing another contract that forces me to hide is repaying me?" He spits, his face red. Before Harry can respond, Louis continues.

"How long? How long is this one? We have 3 more years of our first contract, so how many more years did you add, Harry?"

Harry is sobbing now, sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. His shoulders are shaking, he's crying so hard.

It takes everything in Louis to not go over to him and comfort him. He hated seeing Harry cry, but he couldn't comfort him right now. Not after what he did to Louis.

This wasn't the Harry Louis knew. The Harry Louis knew would never do something like this, especially not without talking to Louis.

"Answer me, Harry!" Louis yells, slamming his suitcase shut. He hated arguing with Harry, he couldn't stand it.

But he couldn't stand feeling like this.

"5 more y-years." Harry cries out, never looking at Louis.

Louis drops his head, taking a deep breath. "Un-fucking-believable."

So they were going to be in a contract for 10 years? For 10 years, they couldn't be together? And Harry didn't think he needed to talk to Louis about this?

Louis couldn't process this. There were too many thoughts and feelings running through his head.

Harry lifts his head, standing up. He starts walking up to Louis, trying to grab onto him.

Louis pushes his hands away, not even able to look at the man in front of him. Louis didn't recognize him.

"Lou, please. Please, don't go. I love you." Harry begs, dropping to his knees.

He wraps his arms around Louis' waist, burying his face in his belly. Louis runs his hands over his face, crying. He listens as Harry begs.

Louis quickly looks down at Harry, still begging. Louis takes a deep breath. He wasn't going to leave Harry, he couldn't. He loved him. He would never find anyone to love him like Harry loves Louis.

"What does Kendall have to do with it?" Louis asks, pulling Harry up by his shoulders. Harry sniffles, wiping his cheeks.

Harry shakes his head, not wanting to answer. Louis rolls his eyes. "You've already broken my heart, Harry. Might as well keep going."

Harry breathes out a shaky breath, looking away from Louis. "I uh... I have to be with her. For a year. Simon said that I wasn't as serious as I needed to be with the last ones. I have to really sell this one." Harry whispers, still not looking at Louis.

Another girlfriend? What was the point? Why did Simon have to make it look like Harry was dating someone? Why couldn't Harry just say he was single? You don't need a girlfriend to be a successful singer.

Louis quickly looks at the clock on their nightstand. It was already 3 in the morning, he had to be at the airport in two hours for his flight. He couldn't be here with Harry anymore.

As much as he loved Harry, as much as he wanted to stay with Harry, he had to get away. He didn't want to leave Harry, but he had to think about things.

Just because Louis was insecure about himself didn't mean that he was just going to let Harry walk all over him.

Louis moves away from Harry, turning back to his suitcase.

"Here's the deal, Harry. I'm leaving right now to go to the airport. I'm going on our honeymoon. You're staying here. You're going to sit here and think about whether or not I'm more important than the money and the fame." He starts, zipping his suitcase up.

Louis was actually kind of proud of himself. He had never stood up to someone like this before. He usually just let people do whatever they wanted to him.

He throws on one of his dirty sweaters, grabbing his car keys off the nightstand. Harry's eyes widen.

"Of course, you're mo-"

"Sh! Let me finish. I'm going to enjoy our honeymoon. Do not call me, do not text me, do not even think about it. Do not bother me. I have put up with your shit for 3 years, give me 2 weeks to myself." Louis finishes, walking out of their bedroom.

Harry doesn't follow. Louis opens their front door, slamming it so hard that the pictures fall off of the walls.

_

When Louis boards the plane, he settles in his seat, pulling his journal out of his carryon. Louis couldn't keep these feelings inside, he had to get them out.

Ever since he started writing, he felt like he was getting better at dealing with his emotions.

Louis takes his pen out, quickly scribbling on the pages.

Harry was going to have to be with Kendall? For how long? Simon said it had to be serious.

It killed Louis to have to watch Harry act like he was with those girls...

Did he call them what he called Louis? Did he kiss their hands when he held them like he did with Louis?

Louis knows that when Harry starts seeing Kendall, it would drive them apart. Every time he gets a new "girlfriend" they fall apart.

They don't talk anymore, Harry is rarely ever home, he comes home smelling like someone else.

Louis spends most of his time with Harry's friend Mitch whenever Harry is with those girls. Louis had grown quite fond of Mitch.

When he would come to write with Harry or pick him up, Louis would always find himself hanging out with him.

Mitch was quiet and chill, everything that Louis was not. Louis found himself craving the calmness that Mitch always seemed to bring when things were bad between him and Harry.

It was hard to watch Harry like this. Harry was able to go out and party and go on dates with those girls... Louis just wanted him home with him. He didn't want him to go out with his friends. 

It was selfish, but Louis was feeling selfish lately.

Louis sighs, popping the cap back on the pen. His breath catches in his throat when he realizes what sweater he's wearing.

He had been so upset that he hadn't paid attention to the sweater he wore to the airport. It was Harry's sweater.

It quickly became a reminder that Harry was a part of Louis, no matter how bad things were between the two.

It comforted Louis. Maybe things would be okay.


	19. Chapter 19

*1 week later*

After arriving in Bora Bora, Louis immediately started drinking. He kept his word, truly enjoying their honeymoon. During the past week, Louis has become friends with an unlikely pair.

There was Doris, a 78-year-old woman with white hair and a big smile. There was also Gene, a 75-year-old man with jet black hair (Louis swears Gene has Doris dye his hair) and a silver front tooth.

After meeting them at the pool on the first day, Louis has been hanging out with them every day, getting drunk, and gossiping. They were currently sitting in the pool chairs, relaxing under the setting sun.

"What about that one, Louis? He's got a nice ass!" Gene whispers, poking Louis' shoulder. Louis rolls his eyes under his sunglasses, lifting his left hand up, showing the man his new ring.

"For the tenth time, Gene, I'm married."

Louis had made the mistake of telling Doris and Gene that he was gay on their first encounter. Ever since they found out, they have been trying to set him up with every decent looking man they see.

It was sweet, but Louis wasn't interested in anyone but Harry. He couldn't get Harry off of his mind.

Louis had no idea what to do. He couldn't leave Harry. Louis could never live without him. He'd rather stay with him and get just a little bit of him than to leave and get none of him at all.

Gene grunts, leaning back in his chair. "Yeah, to a man who's ashamed of you."

Louis had also made the mistake of telling the couple about his and Harry's fight. Gene wasn't very fond of Harry, but Doris took up for him.

Louis frowns, pushing his sunglasses up to rest on his head. "He's not ashamed of me. He's being made out to feel like he should be someone he's not, and it's confusing him." Louis defends his new husband.

Gene shakes his head, standing up from his chair. "Keep telling yourself that. I'm getting you another drink so you can start telling me how you really feel about him." He announces before walking off to the nearest poolside bar.

Louis sighs, reaching for his phone. He checks for any messages or calls from Harry. There's none. He knows he told Harry not to contact him, but he couldn't help but be a little disappointed that he hadn't even checked on him after his flight. Harry knew how much Louis hated flying.

Louis had spent most of this week writing about how he was feeling about the whole situation. He didn't want to be alone, he wished Harry was with him. After being in love with Harry, Louis never wanted to be alone again.

He wasn't sure he could handle it.

To Louis, Harry was his golden boy. Harry was always so happy, always so full of love... But Louis felt like Harry had struggled a lot with accepting who he is.

Louis was so proud of him for his progress, but his mind goes back to when Harry was still struggling. Louis had always been so open about his sexuality and Harry was threatened by that. 

Harry had never met someone so open about who they were and he wasn't sure how to handle it.

Was Harry still struggling with his sexuality? Is that why he didn't try to fight Simon about the contract? Because he didn't want to be open?

Louis should've known it was too good to be true. Louis was sure Harry would leave him one day, but for now, he was going to hold on for as long as he can. Harry was way too good for Louis... Way too bright for him.

Louis had given Harry the power to control their relationship. Whatever Harry wanted was what was going to happen... But Harry's love made it all worth it.

"Have you decided what you're going to do?" Doris asks, sitting in Gene's seat next to Louis. Louis looks up from his phone, locking it.

He shakes his head, dropping his chin to his chest. "No. I haven't. I've thought about it for a week straight and I still feel like I have no idea what to do." Louis mumbles.

He knew he wanted to stay with Harry, leaving him wasn't an option. But how were they going to work through it?

Doris reaches over to place her hand on Louis'. "Can I tell you something? I think it'd really help you make a decision." She offers, giving him a small smile.

Louis nods eagerly. "Anything. I need all the help I can get."

Doris takes a deep breath before glancing over at the bar Gene was sat at. "I love him. Please, don't think I don't love him." She starts, making Louis furrow his eyebrows. Doris and Gene had been together for almost 60 years, of course, she loved him. "But it wasn't always Gene. Before him, there was someone else."

"Gene isn't the only man you've been with?" Louis asks. Louis had just assumed that because they were so young when they met, they had only dated each other. Doris looks back at Louis, smiling. "Gene is the only man I've ever been in a relationship with."

Louis shakes his head, not understanding. She had just said that there was someone before Gene.

"Gene doesn't know this, but before I met him, I was in love with my best friend. We had been best friends for years, she was the best thing that ever happened to me." Doris says, tearing up.

Louis' eyes widen. She? Doris had been with a woman? That was unexpected. Doris quickly wipes her eyes. "Anyway, we spent the summer before we graduated high school together. It was right before I met Gene. I loved her, Louis. I was crazy about her. But, our parents would've never allowed us to be together. As much as we loved each other, we had to hide. We had to protect each other. If people had known about us, they would've been very upset. They would've attacked us."

Louis interjects, seeing where she's going with this. "But it isn't like that anymore. People are more accepting now." He argues. Doris looks back at Gene, continuing her story.

"Your husband is doing what he thinks is best for you. In his mind, he is protecting you, his career, and himself. Is it the right thing to do? Probably not. But I truly believe that he is doing this for the right reasons. I believe his heart is in the right place. I can't sit here and tell you what to do. I don't know how much you can handle. Only you know that. All I can say is that I lost the woman that meant the most to me because I got tired of hiding. And I love Gene, believe me. But it's nothing like the way I loved her. If I could go back, I would stay. Because loving in the dark was always better than settling in the sun." Doris finishes, giving Louis' hand a tight squeeze.

_

After the sun had set, Louis went back to his room. He had been thinking about what Doris had told him ever since he came back. Louis sighs, running his hands over his face. He thinks back to their wedding day, what Harry had said to him.

"Because you've stayed with me, I know that you love me more than I could ever love myself. Because you've stayed with me, I know that you'll always be there for me. I know that you, Louis Tomlinson, are one of the most selfless people I know. For the entirety of our relationship, you have put my wants in front of your needs. I think it takes a very special person to do that."

Louis groans, turning over on his stomach. During his vows, Louis had said that he could be locked up in a prison cell for loving Harry, and he still wouldn't stop. Louis couldn't imagine a world without Harry.

Louis was going to have to get over this. He would deal with anything Harry put him through, because he never thought someone like Harry would love him. He was lucky, he shouldn't forget that.

Louis takes a deep breath, looking over at the clock on the nightstand. Fuck this. He wasn't going to spend another second away from his husband. He needed to get home to him, to talk to him about this. Louis grabs his suitcase, stuffing his clothes back in it. He grabs his keys, heading out the door.


	20. Chapter 20

"Harry! I'm home." Louis shouts, shutting the front door. Louis glances around the house, noticing that every light is off.

It was only 2 pm, was Harry asleep? Louis steps into the living room, flipping the lights on. As soon as he does, Louis' blood runs cold.

There were whiskey bottles everywhere. Louis scrunches his nose up as soon as the smell hits him. He walks over to the coffee table, inspecting it.

Louis leans down, wiping his finger through the white powder. What the hell had happened here? Louis never knew Harry to do drugs, maybe the drugs weren't his.

"Lou!" Harry groans out from the bedroom. Louis rushes into the bedroom, flipping the light on. Harry is sitting in bed, shirtless. Harry mumbles something before falling back down to lay on the bed. Louis rushes over to him, pulling him back up.

Louis rushes over to him, pulling him back up.

"Harry? Are you okay?" Louis asks. He's only seen Harry like this once in their relationship, and it was the night Simon said that he couldn't break their contract.

Louis leans down, sniffing Harry. He smelled like he had been drinking the whole time Louis was gone. Harry's eyes were sunken in, looking like he hadn't slept in a week.

Harry starts laughing, mumbling incoherent sentences.

Louis grabs Harry under his arms, pulling him out of bed. "Alright, let's get you in the shower." Louis says, pulling Harry toward the bathroom.

Louis didn't have it in him to be angry at Harry. He was too busy being worried about him. How long had he been using drugs? Was this just because Louis left? Or was this something deeper?

Harry slumps over, his head on Louis' shoulder. Once Louis gets Harry in the bathroom, he starts undressing him.

Louis is halfway done pulling the shirt over Harry's head when Harry finally realizes that Louis is here. Harry furrows his eyebrows, sniffling. "You're here." He whispers, grabbing Louis' hands.

Harry had just now realized that Louis was here? Who did he think was dragging him to the bathroom? Was he that out of it?

Louis shakes his hands away, pulling the shirt over his head. He starts unbuttoning Harry's black skinny jeans, pulling them down his legs.

"Yes, Harry. I've been here for about ten minutes." He mumbles. Louis' heart was breaking seeing Harry like this. Louis should've never left. He should've stayed here, maybe Harry wouldn't be acting like this.

Louis throws Harry's jeans in the corner of the bathroom, pushing Harry in the shower.

"Stand here. Don't move. I'm going to get you something to eat so you can sober up." Louis warns, pointing a finger at Harry.

He slowly nods, standing under the water. Once Louis feels sure that Harry isn't going to move, he heads into the kitchen.

Clifford follows close behind, his tail tucked between his legs. Louis sighs, bending down to pet him. "Missed you too, Cliff. Dad's a mess, isn't he?" Louis whispers, pressing a kiss to his head.

"Did he even remember to feed you? Or was he so high he forgot you existed?" Louis mumbles, turning his head to Clifford's food bowl.

When he sees food in the bowl, he lets out a sigh of relief. At least Harry hadn't starved their dog to death.

He stands up, searching the refrigerator for something he can feed Harry with.

The refrigerator is empty. Completely empty, except for alcohol.

Louis shakes his head. Did Harry do anything but drink and get high on cocaine while he was gone? Louis fought back tears as the image of Harry snorting the white powder crept into his mind.

Louis sighs, going over to the toaster. He quickly toasts two slices of bread, spreading jam over the pieces. He grabs a bottle of water and goes back into the bedroom.

Just as Louis suspected, Harry was sitting on the edge of the bed, his eyes red.

"Thought I told you to stand still." Louis mumbles, handing Harry the plate of toast. Harry quickly eats the toast, washing it down with water. Harry doesn't respond, just looks down at his lap.

Louis needed to talk to Harry about this, he needed to know what happened while he was gone.

Louis sighs, sitting next to him on the bed. "Are we gonna talk about what happened while I was gone?" He asks.

Harry's eyes meet Louis' before a tear slips out. "Please don't make me talk about it. I don't know what happened. You left, I got sad. I was worried you'd never come back. I just wanted to feel better." Harry sobs, wrapping his arms around Louis.

Louis hesitates before wrapping his arms around Harry.

What would've happened if Louis hadn't come home a week early? Would Harry had been even worse when he came home?

Louis sighs, pressing a kiss to Harry's cheek.

Harry pulls back, looking into Louis' eyes. "Are you leaving me?" He whispers, his voice broken.

Louis shakes his head. "No. I'm not leaving you. I'm never going to leave you. We just need to talk, alright?" He says, rubbing Harry's back.

He certainly couldn't fathom leaving Harry after he pulled this stunt. If Harry was acting like this after just a week of Louis being gone, there was no way either one of them would ever be able to function properly if they broke up.

Louis knew it wasn't exactly healthy, but what was he supposed to do about it?

"I'm sorry, Lou. I feel terrible. I was miserable the whole week. I fucked up. I know I did. I can't take it back, I can't undo it. But I swear to you, I will do whatever I can to make this easier on you." Harry promises, tears falling more freely now.

Louis takes a deep breath. The whole plane ride home, he had been going over what he was going to say to Harry.

"Yeah, you will. That's the least I deserve. No more going 9 months without seeing each other. You come home every two weeks. After the shit I saw in the living room, I need to make sure you're okay. I need to physically put my eyes on you so that I know you're safe. We need to see each other every two weeks so that we can check in on each other. I can make sure you're being safe and you need to make sure I am happy." Louis starts.

Harry nods eagerly. Louis continues, feeling proud of himself for standing up to Harry once again.

"No more fucking contracts. After these next 8 years, you're done. Either you go somewhere where you can love who you want to, or you give up the fame. I'm not doing this until I'm 70. If you don't do either of those things, I don't know how this is going to work out." Louis says.

Harry keeps nodding. "Of course, Louis. I'll do anything. I just don't want you to go." He whispers.

Louis reaches up, wiping Harry's cheeks. "I love you, Hazza." Louis whispers, resting his forehead on Harry's.

"I love you, Lou."


	21. Chapter 21

*1 month later*

"Cliff! Stop!" Louis shouts, chasing after him. Harry laughs, throwing his arms around his stomach, doubling over. Today was supposed to be a lazy Saturday morning, but it had turned into a disaster.

When Louis let Clifford out to use the bathroom this morning, Clifford had run into a skunk. When Clifford came back in, he smelled terrible, so Louis decided to give him a bath.

Now, here they were an hour later, and they had made no progress. Harry had woken up when Louis started shouting at Clifford for not standing still in the bathtub. Once Clifford saw Harry come into the bathroom, he decided he was done with his bath.

He hopped out of the bathtub, covered in bubbles and soap, and decided to run across the house. Harry was standing by watching Louis chase Clifford around, slipping around in the bubbles.

To make matters worse, Louis had been listening to his favorite song "Be my Baby" by The Ronettes, meaning the record player was so loud that Louis couldn't think straight.

"Harry, why don't you help me?" Louis begs, diving to grab Clifford's back legs, missing entirely. Louis grunts as his face lands in the suds Cliff had left behind. Clifford barks, running around the kitchen island.

Harry keeps laughing, shaking his head. "Too much fun to watch." He responds, his cheeks red. Louis groans, standing up.

"Fine. I'm done. If you're okay with him stinking up our house, so am I." Louis pouts, crossing his arms. Harry smiles, walking over to Louis.

"Dance with me." He mumbles, placing his right hand on the small of Louis' back, pulling him close.

Louis shakes his head. "Harry, I've got to clean up this mess." Louis protests. Harry raises his eyebrow.

"Nope. Lisa said that we need to take time out of our day to do something together." Harry responds, grabbing Louis' hand in his left one.

Lisa was their marriage counselor they had been seeing every week for the past month. Part of Louis' agreement was that they would start getting professional help.

Their options were limited since they had to be secret about their marriage, but luckily one of their options was Lisa, and she happened to be the best marriage counselor in LA.

Louis raises his eyebrow, finally dancing with Harry. "And we didn't do something together this morning when you woke me up with a blowjob?" He asks, a smile forming on his lips.

Harry laughs, throwing his head back. "Oh, no. We definitely did."

Over the past month, things had gotten better between the two of them. It finally felt like they were married. Harry was getting professional help for his drug use.

After talking to him about it, Harry confessed that it wasn't the first time he had used drugs, but it had been the worst time.

Louis convinced him to get help and Harry was making very good progress.

Even though things were better in the relationship, Louis was still struggling with his depression. It hadn't been too bad over the past month, but it was still hard to deal with.

Harry still had no idea about it. Louis was doing a very good job at hiding it, but he couldn't conceal the way he felt inside.

He just couldn't shake this feeling that Harry was going to wake up one day and realize that he no longer wanted Louis. It had happened to Louis before... It was just a matter of time.

Louis rests his cheek against Harry's shoulder, Harry placing a kiss on the top of his head. "I have an interview in two hours, I should get ready." Harry mumbles, never letting Louis go. Louis nods, closing his eyes.

Neither one of them wanted to let each other go. Louis snuggles his face into Harry's chest, breathing in his scent. "Five more minutes." Louis whispers.

_

After Harry left for the interview, Louis started cleaning up Clifford's mess. He eventually got the big dog back in the bath and was able to finish cleaning him. Now, the two were cuddled up on the couch, watching an old movie.

Clifford huffs, snuggling into Louis' side. Louis laughs, scooting over. "Cliff, you're too big to be all over me." Louis laughs, scratching Clifford's head.

Louis grabs his phone, snapping a picture of Clifford. Louis inspects the photo before going back to the beginning of his pictures. Most of the pictures were of him and Harry.

A lot of them were from when they met 3 years ago, when Harry was a shy boy and Louis was desperately falling for him. Louis stares at the photos, noticing how things have changed.

His mind drifts to how he felt 3 years ago. Louis had always been the kind of person that loved life. Sure, he had bad times, but it had never been this bad. His depressive episodes had never lasted for more than a month at a time, but it felt like this one had been going on for years.

Three years ago, Louis was just happy to be alive and to be around Harry. Louis takes a deep breath. He hadn't felt that way in a while.

Louis still loved Harry more than anything else. Only one thing had changed. Louis didn't love life anymore. He was just going through the motions. It felt like the days were just passing and he was just along for the ride.

Even after telling his marriage counselor, Louis struggled with feeling like he was actually alive. The only time Louis felt alive was when he was in Bora Bora. He was free to come and go whenever he wanted, never having to worry about hiding. Louis could never tell Harry any of this.

He didn't want to stress Harry out. Harry had been doing so good lately. Louis was so proud of him. Harry was focusing on his second album, starting to go on tour soon.

Before Louis can get too emotional, Harry barges in the door, pulling him out of his thoughts. Louis quickly forces himself to stop feeling sorry for himself. He shouldn't feel this way. He had everything he could ever want. Except freedom.


	22. Chapter 22

*3 years later*

"Alright, Mitch. I'll be there in 10." Harry says, pulling the phone from his ear. Louis shifts in his seat on the couch, looking over at Harry.

"You're leaving?" He asks, his voice breaking.

Harry sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "I have to, Lou. Mitch has a really great idea for the new album." Harry explains.

He walks over to the couch, squatting in front of Louis' legs. "'S not going to take long, baby. I'll make sure 'f that." Harry whispers, reaching up and placing his hand on Louis' jaw.

Over the past 3 years, Louis was no longer trying to hide how he was feeling. Harry knew he was struggling and he tried his best to help him out, but there wasn't much he could do.

Louis sighs. Hadn't Harry just finished his second album? Why was he already working on another one? Three years had all meshed together. Louis couldn't tell what had happened last year and what had happened three years ago.

It seemed pointless to keep up. Nothing ever changed. It's not like each year got better or worse. Each year stayed the same.

Each passing year, Harry and Louis were still in their contract. Louis didn't even know how many years they had left in their contract.

He stopped counting when they hit 3 years.

Louis and Harry had been arguing all morning. Harry had found Louis sneaking Clifford his breakfast instead of eating it.

When Louis denied it, Harry got upset. Louis had gotten into the habit of lying when it came to food. Harry couldn't get Louis to eat anything anymore. Louis wipes his eyes as a tear slips out. "Okay. Have fun." He whispers.

Harry frowns, standing up from his squatted position. He places a kiss to Louis' head, his long hair falling in Louis' face.

"Hey, I'll be back soon. I'll bring back those donuts you really love." Harry says, giving him a small smile.

Louis slowly nods. He wasn't in the mood to eat anything. He couldn't care less about stupid donuts.

Harry stands back up, grabbing his coat. "We're celebrating when I get back." Harry simply says, walking out their front door.

Louis furrows his eyebrows. Celebrating? Celebrating what? There was nothing to celebrate.

Louis gets off the couch and heads into their bathroom, opening the bottom drawer. He quickly pushes through all of the junk in the drawer, searching for what Louis likes to call his 'happy powder'.

Once he spots the bag full of white powder, he opens it.

After celebrating a year of Harry's sobriety, Louis had finally asked him where he got the drugs. He had always been curious about it, but never wanted to ask.

When Harry told him, Louis didn't think much of it, until he started feeling really bad.

Louis tried to forget about it, but the worse he felt, the more he thought about doing drugs.

He just wanted to feel happy again. Louis was numb, he couldn't feel anything at all lately.

He started out slowly with pills, experimenting to find what made him feel the best.

Louis eventually settled on cocaine.

Harry of course had no idea about the drug use, Louis had gotten quite good at hiding it.

Louis dusts of the bathroom counter before sprinkling the white powder on the surface. Louis slowly leans down, pressing his right index finger to the side of his nose, inhaling the powder.

Louis leans back up, throwing his head back. He scrunches his nose, the burning feeling barely even noticeable anymore.

He hated how dependent he had become on this drug, but it made him happy.

Harry deserved someone who was happy. Louis deserved to be happy.

_

"Lou, I'm home!" Harry shouts, shutting the door with his hip. His large hands were full with a box of donuts, two hot chocolates, and Louis' favorite book.

Louis runs out of the bedroom, nearly knocking Harry over as he tackled him.

"Woah, be careful. You're gonna make me spill our drinks." Harry laughs, pressing a kiss to Louis' cheek.

Louis smiles, taking the drinks out of Harry's hands. His high was just starting to peak, meaning that he was in the best mood he had been in for a while.

"How was the studio? Did you write a lot of songs? Did you tell Mitch I said hi? What are we celebrating?" Louis asks, never stopping to take a breath.

Louis always loved how he felt after he used cocaine. He felt so energetic and positive. He never felt sleepy or hungry.

Louis had lost probably 20 pounds since he started the drug, but he wasn't complaining. Louis had always hated the extra skin on his stomach and now he kind of looked like the models Harry always went out with.

Harry raises his eyebrow, walking over to the table, and setting the box down.

"You're in a better mood." He mumbles, handing Louis a donut. Louis nods.

"'S the book for?" Louis asks, placing the donut on the counter.

Harry frowns for a brief second when he sees Louis refusing the food.

Harry shakes his head, pushing the book over to him. "I thought maybe I could read your favorite book to you." He says, sipping on his hot chocolate.

Louis turns his nose up, shaking his head. "No. I have something else in mind." He says, walking closer to Harry.

He quickly presses kisses to Harry's neck, his jaw, and then his cheek. He slowly makes his way over to Harry's mouth, pressing his lips to his.

Harry hums into the kiss, pulling Louis closer.

"Wanna celebrate like this?" Harry whispers, his lips never leaving Louis'. Louis hadn't been in the mood for anything but crying lately, and Harry wasn't going to complain about his sudden mood change.

Cocaine always made Louis feel really good, so the sex was always better when he was high.

Louis pulls back, remembering that he didn't know what they were supposed to be celebrating.

"What are we celebrating?" He asks.

Harry smiles, pushing Louis' hair back from his forehead.

"Our first contract is over, baby. Only 5 more years to go." He explains, watching Louis' grin fall from his face.

If they were done with their first contract, that meant they were in the second one. And that's the one that was going to be the hardest because Harry would have to be with Kendall.

"Now we're in the contract where you have to be with Kendall?" Louis asks, a slight edge to his voice.

Harry sighs, running his fingers through his long hair. Why was Harry celebrating? Did he want to be with Kendall? This contract would be worse than the last one.

"Lou, let's not focus on the negative, yeah? Let's just have one last night together before we go into the next contract." Harry begs, grabbing Louis' face in his hands.

Louis was too high to really even care. At least this would be the last contract.

Louis nods. Harry smiles, pressing a kiss to Louis' cheek. "Alright! I'm gonna go run us a bath, finish eating your donuts. If they're not gone by the time I get back, you're gonna get it." Harry warns, raising his eyebrow.

Louis giggles, shaking his head.

He felt bad lying to Harry about eating. He had always had an on again/off again relationship with food. He felt like food was a reward that he didn't deserve.

Plus the cocaine helped him refuse food because he wasn't hungry.

Louis quickly hands the donut to Clifford, watching him scarf it down.

He was feeling his high go away. That was the only problem with cocaine- the high didn't last very long at all.

Louis wishes he could make the high last longer because it was the only time Louis felt truly happy. He kept telling himself over the years that he was going to stop once he finally felt happy.

The problem was, Louis never felt happy when he was sober.

It was an evil trap.

_

Louis listens to Harry's voice read to him as he slowly drifts off to sleep. They were laying in the bath, Louis' back pressed to Harry's chest.

Between pages, Harry would press a soft kiss to Louis' shoulder, mumbling something about how much he loved him. Louis just nodded, too tired to respond.

Louis was coming down from his high, meaning he was crashing. Every time Louis was high, he was full of adrenaline.

He had so much energy in a short span of time, and now he didn't have any at all.

Harry's left hand was rubbing Louis' shoulder, dropping down to his bicep. Louis sighs, snuggling closer to Harry. Harry drops his hand down to Louis' forearm, gently rubbing his arm.

Harry places the book next to the bath on the floor. "Come here... Wanna talk to you." Harry mumbles.

"You done reading?" Louis asks, turning around to face Harry.

Harry opens his mouth to respond, quickly closing it again when his eyes land on Louis' face.

"Haz, what's wrong?" Louis asks, staring at Harry. Harry's eyes were wide and his cheeks were red. Harry started biting his lip, his eyes focused on Louis' arm.

Louis quickly glances at the mirror to his left, seeing why Harry was freaking out.

Louis' eyes were more dilated than he's ever seen them and there was a trace of white powder on his nose that neither boys had caught earlier.

"What the fuck is that?" Harry finally asks, taking a deep breath.


	23. Chapter 23

"Harry... Calm down." Louis says, backing up so his back is against the tub. Harry shakes his head. "No, Louis. I've been around drugs, I know what fucking cocaine looks like." Harry shouts, stepping out of the bathtub.

He ties a towel around his waist, running his fingers through his wet hair.

"You think I'm on drugs?" Louis asks, furrowing his eyebrows. Harry doesn't say anything, he just stares at him. Harry pulls his bottom lip between his forefinger and his thumb.

Louis gets out of the tub, tying a towel around his waist. He walks out of the bathroom and into their closet, searching for clothes.

Harry follows him, still not looking at him. "How long?" He asks, tearing up. Louis shakes his head. Harry couldn't find out about the drugs.

He'd never go on tour if he thought that Louis was on drugs. He was supposed to leave in a couple of months. If Harry didn't leave, Louis would never be able to take drugs again.

Louis hated the way he was acting, but he couldn't help it. He didn't want Harry to leave, but he needed his drugs.

"I asked how long, Lou." Harry says, raising his voice. Louis drops his shoulders, pulling his sweats over his legs.

"Don't know what you're talking about, Haz." He mumbles, shaking his head. Harry sits on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"It makes perfect sense. The mood swings, the depression, the random energy outbursts..." Harry mumbles, tears falling out of his eyes.

Louis takes a seat next to him on the bed, staring straight ahead. Harry turns his head to look at Louis, looking him up and down. "Don't lie to me." Harry whispers, his voice breaking.

Louis looks down at his lap, his throat tightening. He knew Harry knew the truth. Louis didn't have to say anything.

There was no point in even trying to lie to Harry anymore.

"Haz... I'm gonna stop. I just needed something to get me through until the contract ended." Louis explains.

Harry scoffs. "You realize we still have 5 more years, yeah?" Harry asks, shaking his head. Louis takes a deep breath.

Louis wanted to lie to Harry. Louis wanted to deny everything until he was blue in the face, but it would do no good. Harry already knew everything just by looking at Louis.

"Do you think this is easy for me? To have to hide who I am? I struggled for 16 years to accept who I truly am. As soon as I accepted it, it got taken away from me. Do you see me taking drugs?" Harry asks, standing up from the bed.

Louis' head snaps up. "Uh, yeah, I did, actually. Are you forgetting the time I came back from what was supposed to be our honeymoon to find you high out of your mind on cocaine?" Louis argues, standing up beside Harry.

Harry shakes his head, chuckling dryly. "And how did that make you feel? Did it make you feel good? 'Cause that's how I'm feeling right now. I've been watching you slowly kill yourself for God knows how long, Louis. And I'm so fucking stupid that I didn't even realize it."

Louis takes a deep breath, walking over to their nightstand. He opens the pack of cigarettes, lighting one. He slowly inhales the smoke, feeling it coat his throat. Louis had no idea what was going to happen after this.

Would Harry make him go to rebab? Would Harry stay home from tour? Louis turns back to face Harry, dropping the cigarette to his side.

"What do you want me to do, Harry? Huh? Want me to go to rehab? Or would that be bad for you? To have people find out that Harry Styles checked a random guy into rebab. People will figure it out, Harry. They'll connect the dots." Louis threatens.

Louis hated using this against Harry, but he couldn't go to rehab. He'd have no chance at getting drugs if he was in rehab. He knew this would kill Harry, but he was willing to say anything he had to so that Harry wouldn't make him go to rehab.

Harry rolls his eyes. "I want you to stop, Louis." He begs. Louis looks over into the bathroom. He wasn't going to stop, not before things were about to get worse with this new contract. He'd stop once they were completely free.

Until then, he would be miserable if he wasn't on drugs. Louis would tell Harry he had stopped, he'd just have to get smarter about hiding it.

Louis takes a deep breath. "Yeah. Okay. I'll stop. Promise." Louis says. He couldn't believe Harry was stupid enough to actually believe him. Did Harry really think Louis was just going to stop?

Harry raises an eyebrow. "What is it?" He asks.

Louis groans, throwing his head back. "Harry, what's the point of this? I'm going to stop, that's all that matters." Louis says.

Harry shakes his head. "No. Tell me." He says.

Louis rolls his eyes, inhaling more smoke. He knows Harry isn't going to leave this laone.

"Coke." He answers, his voice quiet.

Harry slowly nods, looking around the room. When his eyes reach the bathroom, Louis tenses up. Harry couldn't find his stash, he'd make him get rid of it.

Harry watches Louis tense up, raising his eyebrow. "'S in there, yeah?" Harry mumbles, going into the bathroom.

He immediately starts looking through the drawers, slamming every single one. He finally finds the baggie. He quickly throws it into the toilet.

Louis rushes over to him, his eyes wide. "Harry! What are you doing?" Louis asks, trying to pick the bag out of the toilet.

Harry couldn't do this. He couldn't just get rid of it.

Harry grabs his hands, turning to face him. "What's the problem? Thought you were gonna stop?" Harry asks.

Louis glances to the toilet and back into Harry's eyes.

"Yeah, I am. It's just... We could sell it. We shouldn't waste it." Louis answers. Harry's eyes widen, shaking his head.

He reaches over and quickly flushes the toilet.

"You're fucking sick. You need help." Harry says, pointing a finger at Louis' face.


	24. Chapter 24

It had been three days since Harry flushed Louis' supply down the toilet. Louis was miserable. Harry was being as doting as possible, constantly cleaning up Louis' mess when he would throw up, wiping sweat off of his forehead, singing him to sleep when he was so exhausted that he could barely hold his eyes open.

Louis never thought he would have to go through this. He never thought he would be on drugs. He never thought he would be addicted to something that would be so damn hard to leave.

Louis just wanted it to stop.

Louis wanted everything to stop.

Louis wanted the contract to stop, he wanted Simon to stop, he wanted Harry to stop, he wanted the fame to stop, he wanted the hiding to stop.

Louis wanted the shaking to stop, he wanted the sweating to stop, he wanted the nausea to stop, he wanted everything to stop.

Despite what the drugs had done to him, Louis missed them.

Louis missed the happiness he would feel when he was high. For 15 minutes, he didn't worry about anything, he didn't care about anything. He was just happy.

Louis wasn't sure how he was going to make it through the next contract without any drugs. How was he going to survive 5 more years of hiding in the dark?

Harry was doing everything he could to make it better.

He had taken time off from the studio, delaying his third album. For the past three days, Harry had been staring at Louis, biting his lip.

Louis knew that meant that Harry had to tell him something, but Louis was too exhausted to care. Clifford was being helpful as well. He was constantly piled on top of Louis, snuggling into him.

That's where they were now, cuddled up together on the couch. Harry was sitting in front of the couch, his back against it. He was reading Louis his favorite book, trying to get him to go to sleep. Louis quietly chews on the toast that Harry had made him. It was the first thing Louis had been able to keep down in three days.

Louis places the plate down on the floor next to the couch, immediately tangling his clammy fingers in Harry's curls. His hair was down to his shoulders now, a big difference from when the boys first met.

Louis didn't mind it.

Louis takes a deep breath, closing his red eyes. "You have to tell me something." He whispers, his voice raw from throwing up so much lately.

Harry looks over his shoulder, meeting Louis' gaze. "'S not important." He mumbles, looking back to the book.

Louis frowns. He was tired of everyone tip-toeing around him. Nobody was saying what they wanted to say. Nobody was being honest. Everyone was so scared to say the wrong thing in front of Louis.

"Please, just tell me. Thought we were being honest" He begs.

Harry shakes his head. "No. I don't want to mess up your progress." Harry says, closing the book. 

Louis honestly just wished that Harry would get it over with. The anticipation was even more exhausting than Louis' withdrawals.

Harry stands up, pressing a kiss to Louis' forehead. "Your fever is breaking." He simply states, going into the bathroom.

"Stop trying to change the subject." Louis groans. Harry comes back carrying a wet flannel. He places it on Louis' forehead, wiping off the sweat.

Harry takes a deep breath, placing the flannel down. His lip was red and bruised from biting it so much. Louis was convinced Harry wasn't getting anymore sleep than Louis had been getting over the past couple of days.

Harry trails his thumb from Louis' forehead to his cheekbone, resting it there. He gently rubs, sitting on the edge of the couch.

"Fine. I have to start seeing Kendall tonight. I've been trying to get out of it for a couple of days, but it doesn't look like I can." Harry quietly says.

Louis grabs Harry's hand, pulling it away from his cheek.

Was Simon that much of an asshole that he was going to force Harry to go out and leave his husband when he was going through withdrawals?

Or did Simon even know about this?

Louis didn't want to argue. He had put Harry through so much lately, he was lucky Harry was still around and putting up with his shit.

Anyone else would've left Louis years ago.

"It's okay, Haz. I know why you're doing it." Louis whispers.

Harry starts tearing up, looking into Louis' wet eyes.

"'M so sorry, Lou. I know this is the last thing you need. It's the last thing I want. I promise I won't be out long. Mitch is going to come over to watch you while I'm gone." Harry explains, pressing a kiss to Louis' knuckles.

Louis simply nods, pulling his hand away from Harry's lips. Louis turns over on his side, his back to Harry. He just wanted to sleep.

He didn't want to be awake for much anymore. Nothing seemed to matter enough for him to be awake for. Why should he be awake for his husband to go out with another girl?

This was modern torture.

In a way, Louis was secretly glad that he was going through withdrawals. This had been the first time in a while that Harry had stayed home with him this much.

This is the most attention Louis had gotten from Harry in a while.

He wasn't ready to go back to Harry constantly leaving, going to the studio, going to interviews, going to meetings... Louis just wanted him home.

_

"Mitch, what the hell are we doing?" Louis asks, shielding his eyes from the sun. Mitch frowns, opening the box that he had been carrying around.

Right after Harry left to meet Kendall, Mitch showed up. He insisted that the two boys go outside. Mitch helped Louis up, walking him to their backyard.

Louis wasn't in the mood for much anymore, but he found out soon after he met Mitch that he couldn't tell him no.

Ever since that day that he met Mitch at the door, they had been friends. Mitch and Sarah were the only people outside of immediate family that knew about Louis and Harry. 

They always came over for game nights, double dates, and movie nights. Louis was fond of Mitch. He never had too much to say and he just liked to chill out.

Mitch doesn't respond, reaching into the box. Louis' eyes widen as Mitch pulls out two very small kittens. "Mitchell fucking Rowland. What on earth have you done?" Louis asks, laughing. Mitch shoots Louis a small smile.

"Read that kittens and sunshine were good for people with depression." He simply responds.

Louis couldn't believe Mitch. Mitch liked to act like he was tough and secretive, but Louis knew deep down he was the sweetest guy he'd ever met.

Louis had never been used to having many friends. When he was in school, he was so busy taking care of his siblings when he got out that he never had time to go anywhere with anyone.

Now, Louis had a best friend and the best husband.

"Yeah? And did you happen to read that stuffing kittens in boxes was considered animal cruelty?" Louis teases, picking up a kitten. It was tiny and grey, with several white spots on it. Mitch rolls his eyes.

"Fuck off. 'S what they had them in at the shelter." Mitch mumbles, inspecting his own kitten.

Louis chuckles, shaking his head. He was so lucky to have people that cared about him so much. It's something he never thought he'd have.

Louis scratches the kitten's ear, glancing up at Mitch. "So Sarah's alright with you bringing kittens home?" He asks.

Mitch quickly shakes his head. "Not keeping them. Rented them for two hours."

Louis laughs a little louder at the thought of Mitch going to a shelter and requesting to rent kittens for his drug-addicted, depressed best friend.

Louis' smile fades. He hated the thought of Mitch and Sarah knowing that he was on drugs. He didn't want anyone pitying him, and he felt like this is what this was.

Louis didn't need to be pitied. He didn't need to be babysat. He didn't need anyone's help. Louis could handle himself. He had for years before he met Harry and Mitch.

Louis puts the kitten down, furrowing his eyebrows.

"You don't have to be here, you know. I don't need to be babysat." Louis snaps, suddenly defensive.

Mitch rolls his eyes, looking up at Louis. "Louis, you know that's not what I'm doing. You're my friend. You're my best friend's husband." Mitch responds.

Louis opens his mouth to respond, but his phone goes off. Louis picks up his phone, opening the Twitter app. He sees hundreds of pictures of Harry and Kendall together, people losing their shit over the new couple.

Louis immediately starts tearing up, locking his phone. Louis hated that he couldn't ignore the pictures.

He had a bad habit of punishing himself for things he couldn't control. Looking at the pictures, watching the interviews, it was all punishment for Louis.

Punishment for marrying Harry, punishment for being gay, punishment for being Louis.

Louis had never apologized for who he is, but lately he felt like he had to apologize for it.

He had to apologize for being the friend that was constantly depressed, addicted to drugs, battling eating disorders...

He felt like he was such a burden. Nobody wanted to be around someone like Louis.

Mitch glances up at him, frowning. "Lou, you know none of that means anything to Harry. You're the one he's thinking about when he's out with someone else." He says.

Louis nods. None of that mattered to Louis.

It didn't matter that Harry didn't actually want to be with her, it just mattered that he was with her.

She was riding in the car that Louis had helped Harry pick out. She was wearing his jackets that Louis had worn. She was smelling Harry's cologne that Louis had picked out for him.

She was doing everything that Louis should be doing.

"I know. I just shouldn't have to share the person I've been with for 6 years. I'm miserable, Mitch. Why do you think I was taking drugs? It was an escape." Louis says, tears falling down his cheeks. 

Mitch reaches across the picnic table they're sat at, squeezing Louis' hands. "You're not sharing him. He is all yours. You're the only person he loves." Mitch starts. When Louis doesn't respond, Mitch keeps going.

"Ever since I've known him, he's been fighting Simon about this fucking contract. He's never given up. This kills him as much as it kills you. He fights for you every single day. You just gotta hold on, Lou. No more taking drugs. You have so many people that love you, we wouldn't know what to do without you."

Louis scrunches his nose, looking off to the side. He didn't want Mitch to see him cry. Louis was appreciative of Mitch and what he was saying, but it didn't help anything.

Sometimes Louis felt like he'd do everyone a favor if they didn't have to constantly be worried about him.

Mitch rubs his thumb over Louis' bony knuckles.

"When we go on tour in a couple of months, maybe you should move back in with your mum. I think it would be good for you." Mitch says, never letting go of Louis' hand.

Yeah, right. That'd be the last thing Louis would do. It's not that he had anything against living with his mum, he loved his mum.

He just didn't need her sympathetic stares and pity parties. It was bad enough over the phone. Louis felt like he had disappointed her and he hated it. He couldn't handle hearing her cry alone at night in her bedroom because her son was a mess.

Louis sniffles. "Yeah. Maybe." He whispers.


	25. Chapter 25

*3 months later*

Louis quickly runs to the bathroom, leaning over the toilet, throwing up everything he had for breakfast this morning. Harry had been gone for a week and the multiple pictures that were being released were enough to make Louis go crazy.

It had been three months since Louis last took any drugs, and he was feeling himself starting to relapse.

Harry had tried everything he could to get out of going on vacation with Kendall, but Simon had insisted. Louis was convinced that Simon knew exactly what he was doing when he scheduled a family vacation when Louis was going through withdrawals.

Simon claimed that Harry and Kendall's relationship wasn't as public as it should be, so they needed to go on a vacation together. He told Harry about his elaborate plan to release pictures from Harry's mum's phone, making it look like it was leaked.

This way, people would actually believe the relationship. Louis hated Simon. Who the hell was crazy enough to think something like this up?

Louis was fuming when Harry told him the plan. Why wasn't he allowed to go on vacations with Harry's family? He's the one that had known them for 6 years, shouldn't he have that right?

Instead, Louis had to sit at home and watch as Harry and Kendall got drunk in some exotic country and tanned together all day.

He had to watch as Kendall crawled in Harry's lap, kissing him, putting her hands all over him.

Louis hated feeling this way about Kendall because he knew she was being closeted too. It wasn't her fault she was having to play this part. Just like it wasn't Harry's fault.

Harry was trying everything he could to make sure Louis was okay. He was calling several times a day, having Mitch come by and check on Louis to make sure he was showering and eating and staying clean.

Before Harry left, he went through every single room, every drawer, every crack and cranny to make sure Louis didn't have anything stashed anywhere.

Louis hated Harry for that. He knew he was doing the right thing, but Louis was suffering. He just needed something to get him through this.

Louis wipes his mouth, leaning against the bathroom wall, thinking about what triggered his anxiety.

Louis had seen a picture of Harry and Kendall on vacation, Kendall on Harry's lap. Louis tried to convince himself that Harry looked miserable, but Louis couldn't make himself believe it.

Louis just needed to feel good. He couldn't handle another week of this shit.

He needed drugs. He needed his happiness.

Louis glances over at his phone, dialing a very familiar number. This was fine, he would just use until he felt better.

When the man picks up, Louis feels a weight lifted off of his shoulders.

He takes a deep breath. "I need more of the stuff." Louis mumbles, his eyes shifting to where he used to keep his supply.

"Oh, hell no. I'm not selling to you." The guy says.

Louis frowns. "Why not?" He asks, frustrated.

This was the same guy that Louis had bought coke from before, why wouldn't he sell it to him again? This was also the guy that Harry had bought his coke from, that's how Louis discovered him.

The guy chuckles. "I don't know, maybe because last time I tried to sell to you, your friend threatened my life."

Louis raises an eyebrow. "My friend? What the hell are you talking about?" He asks.

"Harry. He came by and told me not to sell to you anymore or he'd ruin my business." The guy says.

What? Harry had actually done that? Why would he do that? He was ruining any chance of Louis being happy again.

When Louis opens his mouth to argue with the man, he hangs up on Louis.

Louis groans, throwing his phone against the wall, breaking the screen.

"Fuck!" Louis yells, tears stinging his eyes.

What was he supposed to do now? He couldn't keep going on like this. He needed something, and he needed it fast.

Louis was going crazy without it. He had been doing fine when Harry was home. Harry was keeping him distracted so he wouldn't think about it.

It was easy for Louis to stay sober when things were good. It wasn't as easy to stay sober when you felt like everyone wanted your boyfriend to be with someone else.

Louis couldn't be sober during this. He needed help. He needed to feel happy again. This fucking hurt, he couldn't go through it without anything.

Louis found himself wanting to prove to himself that he was still alive because sometimes it felt like he wasn't. Louis was still just numb. Getting high proved that he was still alive, and Louis needed to feel alive again.

Harry was going to be on vacation for one more week and then he'd be home for a couple of days before going on tour.

After that, they'd only see each other every two weeks. It would be easy for Louis to hide his drug use during tour.

Louis felt bad about lying to Harry again, but he had to. He couldn't keep going on like this.

Louis walks over to the bathroom cabinet, searching through their basket of medications.

Louis' eyes widen when he spots Hydrocodone.

Two years ago, Clifford had broken his leg chasing after a squirrel. They never used all of the medication because Clifford had recovered faster than expected.

Louis quickly checks the bottle, frowning when he realizes that it's empty. Harry must've emptied it when he did his drug sweep.

Louis grabs his phone, blowing the broken glass off of the screen. Hopefully it still worked.

When Louis got the glass off, he quickly dials the number on the bottle.

"Thank you for calling Los Angeles Veterinary Hospital." The female voice says.

Oh, this was going to be easy.

Louis smiles, reading the label on the bottle. "Uh, hi. This is Harry Styles' assistant calling. He wanted me to request that we get Clifford more of his medication." Louis lies.

"His surgery was two years ago, why does he need more medication?" The woman asks, suspicious. Louis panics, trying to come up with another lie. He runs his fingers through his hair.

He didn't expect the lady to ask questions. Usually when Harry's name was mentioned, nobody asked questions. Louis glances over at Clifford in the bedroom, curled up in his dog bed.

"He seems like his leg is bothering him again. Harry just wants to make sure his dog isn't in pain."

The woman stays silent for a moment. Louis closes his eyes and crosses his fingers. This had to work, he had nothing else to go with.

"He'll have to bring Clifford in. We can't prescribe schedule II drugs over the phone." She explains. Louis pulls the phone away from his mouth, groaning.

Why was this so difficult? Louis was getting frustrated, he just needed his drugs. It wasn't going to be as powerful as cocaine, but it would be something to hold him over until he was able to find a new dealer while Harry was on tour.

He places the phone back near his ear. "Right. Totally understandable. However, Mr. Styles is currently out of the country." Louis says.

The woman stays silent again for a moment. "Then how does he know his dog is in pain?"

Louis frowns. What was this woman's problem?

"Oh, Jesus Christ. His dog is with him. If you can't give us the medication, I'll have to tell Mr. Styles that he needs to switch veterinarians." Louis threatens.

He hated acting like this, but he was desperate. He just needed to feel that high again.

The woman sighs, staying silent for another moment. Louis hears her nails clacking against the keyboard.

"That won't be necessary. I'll have our doctor fill that for you." The woman says.

Louis smiles, sighing a breath of relief. He couldn't believe his plan worked. He'd just have to hide his supply from Harry when he came home from vacation in a week.

_

Louis was feeling good. He leans down and snorts the remainder of the crushed up pills. He wasn't sure what day it was, where he was, or even who he was.

Louis didn't know much of anything right now. Louis had gone to get the pills earlier in the morning, how was it still daylight? Shouldn't it be dark by now? Louis wasn't sure how many times he had gotten high since he got the pills, but it seemed like it should be later than it was.

Louis slowly looks around the room, inspecting it. White powder was all over the table with rolled up dollars. Clothes were all over the floor, trash was everywhere, and Louis' shattered phone was on the table.

Everything was blurry, but he could make out one very clear image.

Harry was standing in front of him, his face very angry.

Louis giggles, wiping his nose off. "H... You're here." He mumbles, trying to stand up from the couch. He stumbles, holding on to the couch.

Louis furrows his eyebrows. "Wait... What are you doing here?" He asks.

Harry was home? Did he come home early? Why did he look mad?

Harry shakes his head. "Jesus fucking Christ, Louis. You're serious?" He asks, running his fingers through his short hair.

Louis cocks his head to the side. When did Harry cut his hair? Why did Harry cut his hair? He knew how much Louis loved his long hair.

"You're home early. Not supposed to be home for another week." Louis mumbles. Why would Harry come home early?

Harry chuckles dryly, shaking his head again. "No. I was supposed to come home today. You've been high out of your mind for a week straight, Louis." He says, marching over to Louis and grabbing him by the arm.

He drags Louis to the bathroom, undressing him.

A week had passed? How had Louis missed a whole entire week? That had never happened before.

Then again, Louis had never been left alone in his house for a week straight with unlimited access to pills.

The whole time Harry is undressing Louis, he's mumbling something to himself. Louis furrows his eyebrows, trying to make out what Harry is saying.

"Can't even go a fucking week without me. Can't even fucking relax without worrying about you doing something stupid. Was stupid to think you could get better without rehab."

That's how Harry felt? Louis didn't mean for it to get this bad, he just wanted to feel better. He wanted to be happy again.

Louis takes a deep breath, suddenly feeling very sleepy. He collapses, falling into Harry.

Harry quickly grabs him, pulling him back up. Harry reaches into the shower, turning the water on the coldest setting. "Get in." Harry mumbles, helping Louis step into the shower.

Louis stands under the water, letting it run down his face. His mind goes back to when he came home from their honeymoon to find Harry high out of his mind.

Louis had undressed him and gotten him in the shower.

When did the roles reverse? When did Louis turn into the one that needed help?

Harry quickly pulls off his clothes, getting in the shower with Louis. He squirts shampoo on his hands, reaching for Louis' head. He quickly washes his hair, scrubbing him clean.

Louis watches Harry's face, seeing tears streaming down his face. Louis feels a sudden pang of guilt, the cold shower bringing him down from his high.

Harry holds Louis' hair under the water, letting the shampoo wash from his hair. Louis closes his eyes, tears streaming down his own face.

He hated this feeling. He hated feeling like people had to take care of him. Did Harry feel like Louis was a burden? Did he want a life where he didn't have to take care of Louis?

Louis opens his eyes, seeing Harry washing his own hair, tilting his head back in the water.

"'M sorry, Hazza." He whispers, grabbing Harry's hands hands. Harry stays silent, his eyes never meeting Louis'.

_

After their shower, the boys get dried off and settle into bed. Harry hasn't said a word to Louis, just staring off into the distance.

Louis sighs, cuddling up with Clifford. "Harry, I said I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?" He asks.

Harry scoffs. "I want you to tell me why you got high. Where you got the drugs. What happened to make you relapse. You were doing so fucking good, Lou. I was so proud of you." Harry explains, his eyes red.

Louis tears up, taking a shaky breath. "I was trying. I was just alone. I was sad." He whispers.

He didn't know what to say to Harry. He didn't want him to know that Harry was the reason he had relapsed. He didn't want to put that on Harry.

Harry turns to face him.

"What am I supposed to do? I leave for tour in two fucking days. Do I check you into a rehab facility and risk breeching my contract? Do I leave you here and just hope you don't fucking overdose? Do I force you to move back in with your mum? I don't know what do, Louis." Harry says, raising his voice.

Louis stays silent. He wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to go to rehab, that would be a nightmare. He just wanted to stay home, but he knew Harry would never let him do that.

Harry starts crying even harder, rubbing his hands over his red face.

Louis takes a deep breath.

"I'll go back home."


	26. Chapter 26

"You'll go back home? While I'm on tour?" Harry asks, staring in disbelief.

Louis simply nods. He didn't want to go home, but it's the only way he thought Harry would get off of his back. It'd be better than rehab, Louis could find a way to still get high at his mum's house.

"No arguing? No fighting? No excuses?" Harry asks.

Louis just keeps nodding, not saying anything. Over the years, he found that it was easier to lie when you didn't actually say anything verbally.

He didn't feel as bad about it.

Harry sighs, wrapping his arms around Louis.

"Okay. Thank you. I'm still coming home every two weeks to check on you." He whispers, placing a kiss on Louis' head.

Great. It would be hard to hide his drug use living with his mum and having Harry come home every 2 weeks.

Louis wonders when it changed from "I'm so glad you're coming home every 2 weeks" to "Please tell me you're not still planning on coming home every 2 weeks".

Louis loved Harry, he did... But he was starting to love his drugs more.

His drugs never left him for months at a time, his drugs never went out with a fake girlfriend, his drugs never made him feel like a burden.

His drugs made him feel happy, accepted, loved.

Louis looks up at him, his throat tightening. He runs his fingers through Harry's short hair.

"Your hair... You cut it." Louis says, his voice quiet.

Harry nods, biting his lip. "Like it?" He asks.

Louis stays silent for a moment. "Why?" He finally asks.

Harry doesn't respond, he just chews on his bottom lip.

Louis pulls away, turning over on his side. He reaches over and turns the lamp out, his back to Harry.

After a couple of minutes of silence, Harry finally answers. "Kendall did it. Said she liked it better short." He answers.

Louis takes a deep breath, eyes stinging. Since when did Harry do what Kendall said? Did it really matter what she thought about his hair? It should matter what Louis thinks about his hair. What Harry thinks about his hair.

Kendall was supposed to be a fake girlfriend. She wasn't supposed to be doing things that a real girlfriend would do, like giving hair advice.

Did Harry want her to be his girlfriend? Was he finally tired of being with Louis? Was this the beginning of the end?

_

The next morning, Harry is awake early, packing his suitcase. Louis opens his eyes, stretching his arms out over his head.

He yawns, looking at the foot of the bed where Harry is packing. "Thought you weren't leaving until tomorrow morning?" He asks, making Harry's head snap up.

"I am. Just packing today so I can spend the rest of the day with you." He answers.

"Thought we could go get coffee together and take Clifford for a walk."

Louis smiles softly, rubbing his eyes. When they first got married, every morning that Harry was home, they'd go get coffee together and take Clifford for a walk.

It was something small, but it made Louis happy. He missed those small moments in their marriage.

Harry comes over to Louis' side, bending down and kissing him.

It had been quite a while since Harry had kissed Louis and it felt amazing. Louis sighs into the kiss, throwing his arms around Harry's neck.

Harry smiles before pulling away, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You should pack your bags, too. Since you're going to your mum's." Harry says.

Louis' smile drops, remembering the promise he made last night. He couldn't believe he was being forced to go to his mum's house. He was a grown man, he was capable of taking care of himself.

"Right." He mumbles, standing up from the bed. He grabs his suitcase, shoving random pieces of clothes in it.

"How long are you going to be gone this time?" He asks, looking over to Harry.

Harry sighs. "10 months. I'm trying to cut it a little shorter, but I doubt I'll be able to." He answers, standing up.

He walks over to Louis, wrapping him up in his arms.

"'M still proud of you, you know that, right?" He whispers, lifting Louis' chin up so that he can look into his eyes.

Louis softly shakes his head. Harry was proud of Louis? He found that hard to believe.

What was there to be proud of? Louis was addicted to drugs, he was constantly depressed...

"Nothing to be proud of, Harry. I relapsed." Louis mumbles, his eyes tearing up. The worst part about the drugs was letting Harry down. Louis didn't care about it when he was getting high, but when he sobered up, he always regretted it.

Harry pulls him closer. "You went 3 months without relapsing. That's a big deal, Lou." He assures him. Louis wipes his eyes. "You never relapsed." He says, laying his head on Harry's shoulder.

After Louis came back from his trip, Harry never touched drugs again. He got professional help and got better.

Harry nuzzles his head into Louis', taking a deep breath. "I wasn't depressed. I was upset because I thought I lost you. I needed something to get my mind off of it. You took drugs because you weren't happy with life. You took drugs so that you could feel something. Soon, we'll be celebrating a year of you being clean, yeah?" Harry says, pulling away from Louis.

Louis nods, going back over to his suitcase. He wished it was true. He wished that he lived a life where he didn't have to be high to be happy.

_

That night, things were better. Louis and Harry were curled up on the couch, watching The Notebook. Louis was feeding Harry and Clifford popcorn.

"Promise to still call me every night?" Harry asks, looking over at Louis.

Harry was making this virtually impossible for Harry. When would he be able to get high? Between living with his mum, Harry coming home every 2 weeks, and having to call Harry every night, he'd never be able to get high.

This would be the third tour that Harry has done since he met Louis. 3 tours in 6 years was hard, but Louis was thankful that it wasn't 6 tours in 6 years.

Louis smiles softly, nodding. "'Course. Favorite part of my day when you're gone." He mumbles,


	27. Chapter 27

The next morning, Louis had woken up in a bad mood. He had changed his mind last night, he wasn't going to go to his mum's. He was a 24-year-old man. He was married. He didn't need to be babysat.

It was ridiculous. He was going to tell Harry that he wasn't going to go.

Harry was carrying his bags to the living room, placing them next to the door. They only had 30 minutes before Harry left for 10 months.

Louis takes a deep breath, rubbing his hands over his skinny jeans. "H, I don't think I'm gonna go to my mum's." He says, causing Harry to stop in his tracks.

He turns around, staring at Louis. "What? Is she coming here instead?" Harry asks, raising an eyebrow.

Louis swallows. He knows Harry is going to be pissed, but he really didn't want to go. He needed to think of something to say to convince Harry to let him stay home.

Louis shakes his head. "Uh... No. I'll be fine. I'll do weekly drug tests and I'll send the results to you." He pleads.

He would just use Clifford's urine to take a drug test. That way, he'd still be able to get high and Harry would never know. Louis was quite proud of himself for thinking of such a great plan.

Harry chuckles dryly. "No. No fucking way. You think I'm stupid? You'll use Clifford's piss. Get your bags, you're going to your mum's." Harry argues, shaking his head.

Seriously? Now what was Louis going to say?

Louis frowns. "Harry, I'm not a liar. I wouldn't do that."

Louis knew he was lying right now, but he was doing what he had to do. He needed to get high, he needed to be happy again. He'd say anything right now if it meant he'd be able to get high.

Harry's eyes widen. "You're not a liar? That's all you've done for the past three years, Lou. You lied about sneaking your food to Clifford, you lied about whether or not you'd eaten, you lied about taking drugs... I'm not leaving you here alone." Harry says, his face reddening by the second.

Louis sighs, rubbing his hands over his face. What was he going to do? He couldn't go to his mum's house.

"Harry, please. Let me try it for the first two weeks. When you come home, I'll take a drug test right in front of you." Louis begs, a tear falling out of his eyes.

Louis was desperate to stay home so he could get high. He'd just stay clean for a couple of days before Harry comes home and he'd pass the drug test.

Harry clenches his jaw, staring out of the window. Harry takes a deep breath. "No. I'm sorry. I can't do that." He responds. Harry watches as his driver pulls up, honking the horn.

Harry bends down, grabbing his bags. "I have to go. I'm calling your mum as soon as I pull out of the driveway. She's either coming here, or you're going there." Harry says, grabbing the doorknob.

Louis scoffs, tears falling down his eyes. Harry was always fucking leaving. That's all he was good at. Harry never had to deal with anything that was going on at home because he could always leave when things got bad.

Louis had to stay home and deal with it, maybe that's why he started taking drugs. Harry was able to escape with fancy cars and extravagant parties and Louis had to escape with cocaine and anything else he could get his hands on.

"That's rich, H. Just fucking leave when it's convenient for you. Just leave when your husband is crying, begging you to let him stay home." Louis snaps, wiping his eyes.

Harry shakes his head, dropping his bags. He walks over to Louis, grabbing his jaw in his hands.

Louis tenses up, his hands flying to Harry's wrist. Harry had never done this before, what had gotten into him? Harry's fingers were digging into Louis' skin, pinching him.

"Seriously, Lou? You think I want to leave? You think I wouldn't rather stay here and take care of you? I fucking hate myself for having to leave. I've tried everything I can to get out of this. There's nothing I can do." Harry says, his face red.

"H... Y-You're hurting me." Louis whispers, trying to turn his face. Harry's eyes widen, looking down at his hand. He quickly drops his hand, running it through his hair.

Louis sniffles, wiping his eyes.

The driver honks the horn again.

"You always leave when I need you the most, you know that?" Louis whispers, turning around to walk back into his bedroom.

Maybe if Harry hadn't left when Louis was trying to get sober, Louis would still be sober. Maybe if Harry hadn't left to go on tour after they had been arguing, Louis would be sober right now.

He hears Harry say something under his breath, and then feels Harry grab his wrist.

"Fuck this. Fine. I'm not going. You happy now?" Harry shouts, tightening his grasp on Louis' wrist. Louis tries to tug his wrist away.

Louis didn't want Harry to skip out on his tour, that's the last thing he wanted. He wanted him to let him stay home.

"Harry, let me go." Louis says, tears falling from his eyes. Harry lets him go, rubbing his hands over his face.

The driver honks again, causing Harry to groan and throw his head back.

"I'm going out there to tell him to fuck off, stay right here." Harry mumbles, walking over to the front door.

Louis sighs. He just wanted Harry to go, he didn't want him to do this.

After Harry had been out there for 5 minutes, Louis finally walks over to the window to see what's going on. Maybe Harry had decided to leave without saying bye to Louis.

The driver has gotten out of his car, and he was on the phone with someone. Harry was shaking his head, yelling at the man.

Louis walks out of the house, walking over to Harry. "H, what's going on?" He asks. Harry looks over at him. "Get in the house." He instructs him.

Louis furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head.

Harry sighs. "My fucking driver is telling Simon I'm refusing to go." Harry answers, his voice quiet.

Louis' eyes widen.

What was Simon going to do? Was he going to fire Harry? Would that mean they could finally be free?

Maybe Louis would actually try to stay clean if they could be free. For a moment, Louis is happy without his drugs.

For a moment, he could see himself going to rehab and coming back home to be with Harry. They could live a quiet life with Clifford, maybe adopting a little boy sometime.

For a moment, Louis could see himself living a life where he didn't need drugs.

After the driver hangs up, he tries to persuade Harry to get in the car again.

"Man, this is not my problem. I'm just here to pick you up and take you to the airport. If you don't get in the car, I don't get paid. You're fucking with my paycheck." He says.

Harry reaches in his back pocket, pulling out his money. "Then fucking take everything I've got in my wallet. I don't want to go. I have more important things to take care of right now." Harry argues, shoving money toward the guy.

Louis' eyes widen. Harry thought Louis was more important than tour? He was more important than his job? It was nice to see Harry fighting for Louis.

Louis is reminded of the boy he met when he was 18. Lately, it seemed like the two boys were no longer the same boys that fell in love in a basement.

They had both changed tremendously. They were always arguing, always hiding, Louis no longer recognized either of them anymore.

As a car pulls up, Harry grabs Louis' hand, pulling him closer to him. The car parks and the door opens, revealing Simon.

"Car. Now, Harry." Simon says, walking over to the pair. Harry tightens his grip on Louis' hand, shaking his head.

"I'm not going. Not unless he can come with me." He argues, a tear falling down his face.

When Louis sees the look in Simon's eyes, he looks over at Harry.

Was Harry really going to do this? Simon didn't look like he was going to go down without a fight.

Was Louis wrong for wanting Harry to give up everything for him? Was that selfish? Would Harry even be happy if he wasn't singing anymore?

Would he resent Louis for making him give up the fame?

Louis takes a deep breath, tears streaming down his face. He couldn't do this to Harry. Harry had taken away Louis' dream, but Louis couldn't do the same to him.

Louis knows exactly how it feels to have to give up something you love and he didn't want Harry to feel the same way. 

Louis knows exactly what he has to do.

"Harry, just go. I'll go to my mum's, alright? Just go." Louis begs.

In this moment, Louis wasn't worried about how he was going to get high when he lives with his mum. In this moment, Louis was worried about Harry and his dream.

Louis wanted Harry to be happy, even if it meant Louis wasn't happy.

Harry shakes his head. "I'm not fucking going unless you go with me. I'm sick of this bullshit. I'm tired of not being able to be with my husband. I want you next to me." Harry says, his voice breaking.

Louis opens his mouth to argue, but Harry continues.

"You belong with me, we shouldn't have to do this. I deserve to be able to be open about who I am, who I love. You deserve more than this, Lou." Harry cries, his eyes red.

Simon looks over at the driver. "Go get his bags." He instructs. The driver nods, walking into the house. Simon walks over to Harry, grabbing his arm.

"Son, I would advise you to get in the car. If you don't, I'm going to lose a lot of fucking money, and I won't be very happy, will I?" He threatens, pulling Harry toward the car.

When Simon says that, Harry widens his eyes. It's almost as if there is an unspoken threat between the two of them.

Harry looks back over to Louis, crying even harder now. Harry keeps shaking his head, his eyes never leaving Louis'.

Simon mumbles something as he forces Harry in the car.

Louis wipes his eyes, watching as Simon shuts the door once Harry is in the car.

Simon walks back over to Louis, pointing a finger at Louis.

"You try to pull this shit again, and I'll do a lot worse than a contract." He mumbles, before walking over to his car.


	28. Chapter 28

"Lou! I'm so glad you decided to stay with me!" Louis' mum exclaims, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Harry left for tour yesterday and Louis hadn't heard anything from him since the car drove him away. Maybe Simon smashed Harry's phone so he couldn't contact him.

Louis has no idea the lengths Simon would go to in order to ensure that nothing ever hurt Harry's image.

Louis gives his mum a small smile, wrapping his arms around her. "Yeah, me too, mum." He mumbles.

He had just arrived at his mum's house after a long flight and all he wanted to do was to get high. Especially after yesterday's events.

Yesterday, Louis felt hopeful about their situation. He honestly thought he would be able to live a happy life without drugs, but the more he thought about it, the more he decided against it.

If Harry ever stopped singing, Louis would feel like it was because of him. He didn't want to be the reason Harry couldn't live out his dream. Louis didn't resent Harry for not letting him finish school, but Louis was worried Harry would resent him if he couldn't continue singing.

Even if they were able to be public, would Louis really be happy? He wasn't happy before he met Harry, so was the problem ever about being closeted?

Maybe Louis was the problem.

"Where's my grandson?" Johannah asks. Louis chuckles, grabbing his bags and heading inside the house.

"Cliff is staying with Stevie. I wasn't sure how he'd do on such a long flight. I'll facetime Stevie later and let you see your grandson." Louis jokes, heading down the hall to his old room.

It felt weird to have the iconic Stevie Nicks as your dog-sitter, but Louis was slowly getting used to it. Over the years, Harry had gotten closer with Stevie, performing with her and asking for her opinion on songs he's written.

Stevie also knew about Louis and Harry and she was always supportive. Almost too supportive.

She's threatened to go to Simon's office to tell him exactly what she thought a couple of times. Louis was grateful for her support, but he didn't want Harry to get in trouble.

Johannah smiles and claps her hands. "Oh, yay!" She exclaims. Louis chuckles. He wasn't sure if she was excited to see Clifford or Stevie.

Louis wished he had brought Clifford. It would've made this a little easier. Louis sighs, placing his bags on his bed. He looks over on the nightstand and sees a picture of him and his siblings when they were younger.

What would they think about him if they knew he was on drugs? Would they be disappointed?

Louis had accepted Harry being disappointed with him, but fuck... Could he handle his siblings being disappointed? He had always felt like he had the responsibility of taking care of everyone, but now they were going to have to take care of him.

Louis wonders what excuse his mum gave his siblings as to why he was coming home.

"Phoebe and Daisy are at school, Doris and Ernest are at daycare, and Lottie and Fizzy are at the mall with friends. They'll be home soon. They're excited to see you..." Johannah explains, leaning on the doorframe.

Louis turns around to face her. He watches as his mum pulls her cardigan around her, crossing her arms. He slowly nods, not meeting her eyes.

Johannah takes a deep breath, giving him a small smile. "You've lost weight." She whispers, her voice breaking.

Louis closes his eyes. He hated this. He hated the way his mum was looking at him. She was pitying him.

Louis couldn't blame her though. He knew he looked terrible. He had lost 20 pounds and his face and eyes were sunken in.

"I know, mum." Louis answers, opening his eyes to see a tear streaming down his mum's face.

"Are you not happy, honey? What's going on? You can talk to me."

Louis scoffs, raising an eyebrow. What does she mean? She knew all about the contract and how Harry and Louis couldn't be together.

"You know what's going on. It's the same thing that's been going on for 5 years." Louis says, shaking his head. He sits on the edge of the bed, cradling his head in his hands.

He feels the bed dip beside of him and then a hand on his back. "We both know that's not the reason you're acting like this... We both know this has been going on for much longer than 5 years. You suffered with depression long before you met Harry." His mum explains, rubbing circles on his back.

Louis sniffles. She was right. It was just easier for Louis to convince himself that this was the only thing that was going wrong. It was harder to admit that there was something deeper going on within him.

"Louis, I know what you're going through right now is terrible. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But I think it's time that you get help because I don't think you're taking drugs just because of what's going on with you and Harry. I want my baby boy to be around longer than I am, please don't make me bury a son. I want you to get help so we can figure out what is going on with you. I-I..." Johannah cries, choking on a sob.

Louis takes a deep breath, wrapping her up in a hug. He couldn't bear to hear his mum talk like this. He hated how he was making everyone feel. "I'll get help, mum. I promise." Louis whispers, and for once, he means it.

_

"I made your favorite, you have to eat." Lottie groans, shoving a plate to Louis. Louis' eyes widen. "You cooked? There's absolutely no way in hell I'm eating something you cooked." Louis argued, shoving the plate back to his sister.

His siblings had come home a couple hours ago and they were getting used to being around each other again. Louis hadn't seen them in person for over 5 years. They had all grown so much.

Johannah shakes her head, smiling. "Louis, you need to eat." She says, raising an eyebrow.

Louis sighs. He wasn't in the mood to eat. He wasn't hungry. He wanted to get high. That's what he wanted to do.

As soon as Louis reaches out his hand to grab the plate, his phone rings. Louis' head quickly snaps down to the phone in his lap, seeing Harry's name on the screen.

Louis' face lights up, looking over to his mum.

Louis stands up from his seat, pulling the phone up to his ear. "Saved by the bell." Louis teases, sticking his tongue out at Lottie who is standing in the corner pouting.

"Hey, Lou." Harry mumbles.

Louis walks to his bedroom, laying down on the bed.

"Hey, is everything okay?" Louis asks.

He isn't sure why it took Harry so long to call, but it doesn't matter anymore. He's just glad to know that he's safe.

Harry stays silent for a moment before sniffling.

"Yeah... Look, 'm really sorry about earlier. I didn't want to go, I promise. Miss you so fucking much." Harry explains, his voice breaking.

Harry sounded like he had been crying the whole day. Louis stares at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. He knows Harry didn't want to go. Louis wasn't sure if he wanted Harry to go.

Louis wanted to be able to get high and he couldn't do that if Harry was around. But he loved Harry, so of course he didn't want him to go.

"I know, Haz. Don't worry about it, I'll see you in two weeks, yeah?" Louis reassures him.

"Yeah, I guess." Harry says.

Louis stays silent, not sure what to say.

"Did Stevie send you the picture of Clifford in the bath?" Louis asks.

Stevie had sent him several pictures and videos of Clifford making a mess of her bathroom. Louis was already missing his fluffy boy, he couldn't wait to see him again.

Harry chuckles quietly. "Yeah, she did. I'm glad she's watching him." He answers.

Louis hates this. It's small talk. It's awkward. Louis wants his Harry back.

"H, are you okay?" Louis quietly asks.

Harry sniffles, clearing his throat. "I feel like a terrible husband."

Louis purses his lips. He hated the thought of Harry feeling like this. Louis had felt this way many times before and he didn't like the thought of Harry going through the same things that he had gone through.

"You're not, Harry. You're the best husband. You're doing what you have to do. Don't worry about me. I love you." Louis reassures him.

He thought about telling Harry about the conversation he had with his mum earlier, but he decided against it. Harry was obviously struggling with his own demons right now, he didn't need to hear about Louis' problems.

"Love you too." Harry whispers.

Louis hangs up, placing his phone on the nightstand.

He sighs, running his fingers over his face. He wanted to get high. He wasn't sure where he was going to get his drugs, but he needed to find out fast.

Louis stands up, walking toward his suitcase. If he can't get high, he might as well just go to sleep. He digs through the clothes, looking for his favorite pair of sweats.

He doesn't find them though. Instead, he finds a small baggie full of white powder.

Where the hell had this come from? Harry most definitely did not take pity on Louis and slip him a baggie. Louis doesn't remember packing this. How could he have? Harry made sure to get rid of everything Louis could get his hands on.

Louis quickly grabs the baggie, going over to his desk. He empties the contents of the bag out on the desk, sitting in his chair. He reaches in his wallet, searching for the rolled up dollar bill he always kept.

Fuck, he didn't have it. He could go downstairs and steal a dollar from the twins' piggy banks, but he decided against it. He wasn't that big of a piece of shit.

Louis presses his index finger against his right nostril, leaning down to snort the substance. Immediately, he felt relief. He felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of his shoulders. 

Louis closes his eyes, leaning back in the chair. In this moment, Louis has never felt better. He still has no idea where the drugs came from, but he didn't care at all. He was just glad he found some.

Louis should be proud of himself, really. He thinks he's handling this better than most people would've. Most people would've walked away as soon as their boyfriend told them they couldn't be together because of something he agreed to.

For once, Louis felt like he was a decent person. You had to be a decent person to stick with someone through this, right? For once, Louis didn't feel like a complete and utter failure.

Louis wasn't good at much, but he was good at getting high.

After 10 minutes pass, Louis is slowly coming down from his high. Louis missed the times when he would stay high for 30 minutes. Soon, he'd need something stronger if he wanted his high to be that good again.

Louis sighs, standing up from his chair. He goes over to his suitcase, unpacking his clothes. He finds his journal from when he took it to Bora Bora with him.

He hadn't written anything in such a long time, maybe that's why he was struggling more. Louis shakes his head, dropping the journal down on his nightstand. It was silly to think just writing something down would help him.

After Louis unpacks, he lays down on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Lou? Can I come in to say goodnight?" Johannah asks, knocking at his door.

"Yep." Louis answers.

Johannah comes in, walking over to the bed. She quickly presses a kiss to Louis' wet forehead.

"'M so proud of you for making the right decision to come home to get better." She whispers, giving him a small smile.

Louis gives her a tight-lipped smile, a lump forming in his throat. He quickly nods, too ashamed to speak to her.

"Goodnight, Lou."

After his mum leaves the room, Louis groans.

He was a piece of shit. Did he really just get high in his mum's house? When he was supposed to be coming home to get better? Louis couldn't stand himself. What kind of person did that?

His mum was proud of him. She thought he was doing better. She didn't know he had just gotten high in his childhood bedroom while she was downstairs. She'd freak out if she knew there was cocaine in her house.

Louis was alone. No, not really alone. He had his family and his husband, but still, he felt alone. Did he really have anyone? If anyone knew who he really was... A liar, an addict who had no desire to get better... Would they still want him around?

Or if they knew the truth, would they hate him? If they knew he was lying about wanting to get better, would they want anything to do with him?

Louis honestly had nobody to blame but himself and the fact that his hands just couldn't stop themselves when they saw drugs.

When he saw the baggie in his suitcase, he should've flushed it. But his wandering hands just had to grab it and use it.

Louis can feel himself falling after his high. He hated this part. This part always reminded him how terrible he really was. Did he even want himself around? How could he? He hated who he was...

What was he supposed to tell his family? That he didn't really mean it when he said that he was going to get better? He couldn't say that. He couldn't take that back from them. They were all so proud of him.

And Harry... Harry was clearly dealing with problems of his own. How was Louis supposed to add to that? He couldn't act like Harry's problems didn't matter. Harry had baggage of his own. Harry always dealt with Louis', so Louis should deal with his.

Harry was always so great dealing with Louis' problems, he deserved someone to take care of him like that. Louis had been so caught up in his issues lately that he hadn't even paid attention to Harry's.

Louis thinks back to the phone call earlier. Harry missed Louis. How could he miss someone like Louis? Why would anyone miss dealing with a liar and an addict?

But then again, Louis quite missed himself. He missed who he was before the drugs. Sure, he had always been a depressed person, but it was different when he started using drugs.

Louis no longer wanted to do the things that the couple had done in the beginning. Was he the cause for the problems in their marriage? Maybe if Louis had kept doing the little things during their marriage, they'd be better off.

If Louis had kept building Harry forts and ordering pizza, if Louis had kept going for their morning walks and coffee dates, if Louis had kept writing love notes on the mirror... Maybe they wouldn't be falling apart.

Or was it Harry's fault? For signing the contract? For listening to Simon? For not giving up the fame? No. It couldn't be Harry's fault. Harry loved Louis.

Was it Simon's fault? He was the one that had given Harry the fame and the money. He was the one that refused to let them be together.

Would Harry ever need Louis again? Did he have everything he ever wanted? Was Louis still enough for Harry, or would he not be happy without the money and the fame?

Louis sighs, grabbing the journal off of his desk. No matter how stupid he thought it was to write down his feelings, he was falling, and he needed to get it out.


	29. Chapter 29

*2 weeks later*

Great, Louis thought. Harry was at the same airport that Louis was at. It had been two weeks since Harry left for tour, meaning it was time for Harry to come home to visit. Harry was flying in from New York while Louis was flying in from England.

They were supposed to arrive at separate times, to make sure that nobody got suspicious about the two of them, but Louis' flight was delayed because of the winter storm. Louis spotted Harry across the airport.

He looked incredible. He was upset at first about him cutting his hair, but he was getting used to it now. Harry was sporting his pink flared jeans and Louis' white t-shirt. Louis smiled at the thought of Harry waking up this morning and choosing to wear Louis' shirt instead of one of his own.

Louis chuckles as he looks down at his own outfit. Okay, he might've overdone it on the cold weather attire. It wasn't cold in LA, but it had been freezing in England. Louis hated to be cold, so he thought it'd be best to wear his big jacket.

Harry's eyes meet Louis' giving him a quick smile. Harry was swarmed by paparazzi, people asking him every question they can come up with. All Louis wanted to do was to run up to Harry and wrap his legs around him.

That would have to wait until they got home.

"Harry, how are things with Kendall?"

"Did you know pictures were leaked from your mom's phone?"

"How is tour going?"

"Did you cheat on Kendall?"

Louis rolls his eyes, carrying his bags out of the airport. He couldn't stand the way people spoke to Harry. He was a person too, he deserved privacy.

People just walked right up to him and assumed that they knew who he was. They know nothing about him. They don't even know that he's married to a man. They think because they see him in interviews and in concert, they know everything about him.

Louis was living proof that they actually knew nothing about Harry.

_

When Louis gets home, Clifford is laying on the couch, waiting patiently for him. There's a note on the coffee table from Stevie.

"Such a good boy! He's got great dads ;)"

Louis chuckles, shaking his head. "Dad's gonna be home soon!" He tells Cliff, giving him a head rub.

As if almost on cue, Harry opens the door. Clifford immediately shoots up from the couch, running to him. Louis quickly follows, wrapping his arms around Harry.

"Missed you so much." Louis mumbles, pressing a gentle kiss to Harry's chest.

He had been clean for three days so he would be able to pass the drug test. It had been a rough three days, but Louis was willing to do it if it meant that Harry thought he'd gotten better.

Louis had really missed Harry when he was sober. When he was high, he didn't really care where Harry was or what he was doing. All that mattered was that he was high.

This is why Louis hated being sober. He hurt when he was sober.

Harry presses a kiss to Louis' head, pulling him closer to his chest. "Missed you too, Lou."

Louis pulls away, helping Harry carry his bags to their bedroom. Harry unzips one of his bags, walking toward the bathroom.

"I really hate to do this, but we should get it over with." He says, holding up a small white cup.

Great. Louis knew the drugs were out of his system, but he was still nervous. He hated being treated like this, but if it meant he got to stay home while Harry was away, he'd deal with it.

Louis nods, grabbing the cup from Harry's hands. He quickly goes to the bathroom, filling the cup up. Harry stands at the door, watching him closely.

This was humiliating.

When Louis is finished, he hands the cup to Harry.

"I'm gonna feed Cliff, let me know when you get the results." Louis mumbles, walking out of the bedroom.

He walks into the kitchen, filling Clifford's food bowl up.

What if Louis didn't pass? What would Harry do? The past couple of weeks had been good for them, he didn't want to mess anything up.

Harry had been calling Louis every day, telling him all about his concerts and the parties. Louis had been spending time with his family, reporting back to Harry about how they were all doing.

Harry had been having a hard time on tour this time. Louis could tell that he didn't want to be there this time, but he had to because of Simon. Louis hoped that this was something that was going to pass.

Harry was too talented and too passionate about singing to give it up. If he quit, he'd probably hate Louis.

Louis didn't want to be the reason that Harry didn't enjoy being on tour. If Harry quit, Louis wanted it to be completely his decision. Not because Harry thought it's what Louis wanted.

Did Louis even want Harry to quit? He wasn't sure. Louis doesn't think he'd be happy even if that happened. Not because he didn't love Harry, but because Louis had changed.

Louis had changed from who he was when he met Harry. His feelings for Harry hadn't changed at all, but Louis was worried if Harry quit his job and actually spent real time with Louis, he'd notice and wouldn't love him anymore.

Harry walks in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around Louis' waist.

"Passed." He mumbles, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Louis takes a deep breath. Great. Maybe things were going to be okay after all.

"Knew I would." Louis says. "How long do you have before you go back?"

Harry sighs, shrugging his shoulders. "I have a show in 4 days. 'M kinda hoping the snow will cancel it." He mumbles, sitting at the dining table.

Louis frowns. He hated watching Harry's passion go away for something like this.

"Don't say that. You love what you do. You'd be lost without it." Louis says.

Harry's eyes shoot up to Louis, shaking his head. "Be lost without you, Lou. I can live without the fame. I really can. If I never sing again, that's fine with me. But, fuck, Louis. Don't know if I'd be able to live without you."

His eyes were watering and his cheeks were red.

"Well, you're never gonna have to find out, because I'm not going anywhere. Promise." Louis says.

Harry gnaws on his bottom lip, nodding his head slowly.

"Swear?"

"Swear."


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> _
> 
> _
> 
> _
> 
> Suicidal thoughts + Drug use

*3 months later*

It had been three months since Harry's tour started, and he had been home 6 times to check on Louis. After the first two months of being on tour, Harry allowed Louis to go back home instead of staying at his mum's house for the rest of the tour.

Harry knew how much Louis wanted to be back at home and he deserved a reward for staying clean.

Louis was snuggled up in bed with Clifford, talking to Harry on FaceTime.

Harry was complaining that his shows hadn't been going very well because he didn't want to be there anymore. All he could think about was being home with Louis.

This is exactly what Louis was worried about. He didn't want to be the reason Harry was miserable. He also didn't want to be the reason that people were slowly losing interest in Harry.

Everyone could tell that Harry was done with the fame and the concerts. Instead of jumping around on stage like he used to, Harry just stood in front of a microphone and recited his lines.

How was he expected to have fun on tour when his husband was at home by himself? It felt different than the other times. This time, Harry had a bad feeling about being away from Louis. He just couldn't shake it.

Louis also hated being the reason Simon was putting Harry through hell. Simon had caught wind of fans talking about how Harry seemed uninterested in the fame. He had been lecturing Harry, threatening him if he didn't start acting like he was happy.

Harry was causing Simon to lose money, meaning Simon was even worse than before.

"Lou, are you listening to me?" Harry asks, pulling the blankets up over him. Louis snaps out of his thoughts, nodding. "Yeah, 'course." He mumbles, nuzzling into his pillow.

"I'll be home tomorrow. I think I'm gonna stay for three days this time." Harry says.

Louis doesn't respond, just stares at the ceiling. Harry sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "Lou, are you happy with me?" He asks, causing Louis' head to snap over to the phone.

"Of course, I am, H. I love you so much, you know that." Louis answers.

Why would Harry think he isn't happy with him? Louis was very happy with Harry, he just wasn't happy with the circumstances. Louis thinks back to what Doris told him all those years ago.

"If I could go back, I would stay. Because loving in the dark was always better than settling in the sun."

Louis had been smart about his drug use since Harry went for tour. He kept his routine of staying clean for three days before Harry came home, meaning he passed every single drug test Harry gave him.

Louis wasn't sure where the drugs were coming from, and he wasn't questioning it. Louis would just wake up every couple of days to a baggie in the mail box. It was quite weird that someone was just leaving free drugs, but Louis honestly didn't care where the hell the drugs were from or who they were from.

He was just glad to be getting a steady supply.

Harry slowly nods. "Yeah, I know you love me. But are you happy? With life? How are you doing?" He asks.

Louis gives him a soft smile. "I'm doing fine, H. You don't have to worry about me." He lies.

He knows Harry doesn't believe him, but what was he supposed to say? That he was doing drugs still? That he was miserable because he felt like he was the cause of all of Harry's problems?

Harry nods, yawning. "'Night, Lou." He mumbles.

Louis turns his lamp off, pulling the blankets over him. "Goodnight, Hazza."

_

The next morning, Louis was still on FaceTime with Harry. Louis reaches over to his phone, looking at the screen. Harry was still asleep, his cheek pressed against the pillow. Louis smiles before hanging up the call.

Louis walks into the kitchen, feeding Clifford his breakfast. Clifford looks sadly at the bowl before looking back over to the refrigerator.

Louis groans. "Cliff... I'm not like dad. I'm not going to cook chicken for you to eat when you have perfectly good dog food. You know that." Louis says, reaching down to pet Clifford's head. Clifford finally gives in and eats his food.

Louis quickly goes back to bed, turning his light back off. As part of his daily routine when Harry is gone, Louis goes onto Twitter.

He sees fans talking about Harry's last concerts, noting that he didn't seem like he was happy to be there.

He sees other fans talking about Simon and how he was probably working Harry too hard.

If only they knew how right they were.

As soon as Louis swipes off of the Twitter app, he gets a phone call from a number he didn't recognize.

Louis quickly answers, curious as to who's calling him. Maybe it's the person that's leaving the drugs.

"Hello?" Louis answers. As soon as the person on the other end starts talking, Louis gets a sick feeling in his stomach.

"Louis! What a pleasure it is to finally be able to talk to you." Simon says, a fake cheeriness to his voice. Louis frowns. How the hell did he get his number? Louis doesn't respond. Simon continues.

"As you know, Harry will be coming home tomorrow. I suggest that you listen to what I say next very carefully."

"Harry is suffering because of you. He can't concentrate on his shows because you're at home, moping around, taking drugs. By the way, you're welcome for the supply." Simon says.

What? Simon was the one leaving the drugs? Why was Simon giving Louis free drugs?

"Simon, cut the shit. Why the hell are you leaving cocaine at my house?" Louis asks.

"Think about it. You're only happy when you're high. I thought maybe you'd be happy at home alone, high out of your mind, meaning Harry would be okay with being away from you. But apparently, you're miserable no matter what. You're making him miserable." Simon answers.

Louis couldn't believe how evil Simon was. He was really fueling Louis' drug addiction to make sure Harry didn't leave tour early.

"I don't make him miserable. You're the one making him miserable." Louis retorts.

Simon chuckles. "Really? All you are is a burden to him. You're like a child he has to babysit. You think he's proud to be married to you? If he was proud of you, he'd stand up to me. You know, deep down, Harry is still that insecure 16-year-old boy who is ashamed that he's gay. I suggest you pack your shit up and go back to wherever you came from before Harry wakes up and realizes he doesn't want to be with you anymore. If you don't, Harry is going to fail at his career, and he's going to hate you for it." Simon finishes.

Louis sucks in a sharp breath. Simon was verbalizing every bad thought that Louis had thought for the past 5 years. Louis stays silent, a tear streaming down his face.

Louis knew deep down that Simon was right. Louis had been terrified for 5 years that Harry was going to wake up one day and be done with Louis. Everyone else had done that, why wouldn't Harry do it?

Especially if Louis was really causing problems in Harry's life and his career. Louis loved Harry too much to be the reason his career failed.

Was Harry really still insecure about his sexuality? Louis had thought that he finally accepted it, but Simon was right. If Harry was really happy about being with Louis, wouldn't he fight for them more?

"Louis, you know I don't have a problem with Harry being gay. Or unlabeled, whatever the hell he is. I only have a problem with you because you're holding him back. All you have to do is go away. Harry can finally be successful again..." Simon says.

"Yeah," Louis whispers, wiping his eyes.

"Good talk. Think about what I said." Simon says, before hanging up.

*Train Wreck by James Arthur*

Louis places his phone on the bed, tears streaming down his face even more now.

Simon had a point. But Louis knew he could never just leave Harry. He'd eventually come back, holding Harry back again. Harry would never let Louis leave, he'd fight for him.

Louis would never be strong enough to stay away from Harry.

Louis takes a deep breath, knowing what he needs to do. This way, Harry can be successful again and he won't have to worry about Louis. This way, Louis can finally be free of feeling this way.

Louis couldn't keep lying to himself. He had been trying to convince himself that the drugs were making him happy, but nothing was enough anymore. Nothing ever made him happy.

He was tired of fighting with himself. It was so exhausting, trying to convince yourself that people loved you and wanted you around. Louis just felt like he was a burden to everyone.

Louis stands up, wiping his eyes.

Would Harry forgive him? Would Harry know why he did this? Louis had to tell Harry.

Louis grabs his journal out of the drawer, flipping to the first clean page.

When Louis is done with his letter to Harry, he heads into the bathroom. His hands are shaking as he grabs the small baggie.

He empties the contents of the bag on the bathroom counter. Louis had been clean for two days since Harry was coming home tomorrow, meaning his high was going to hit him a little stronger this time.

Louis leans down, snorting the powder. Louis' jaw goes slack, his eyes closing as he feels the drugs take over. It was such a good feeling, he was going to miss this.

Louis shakes his head, leaning down to do another line. Louis wipes his nose, feeling the slight burn in his nostril.

Louis takes a deep breath before grabbing another bag. For some reason, Simon had decided to leave several bags this time instead of just one.

He empties that bag, pushing the powder together to form several lines. Louis leans down, taking another line.

He could feel his head getting foggy. Louis sits down in the bathroom floor, cradling his head in his hands. He had never taken this much before and it was getting hard to think clearly.

Louis takes a deep breath as he feels his heart rate speeding up. He was feeling nauseous. Suddenly, it felt like the bathroom was a million degrees.

After a couple of deep breaths, Louis stands up again, quickly doing two more lines. As soon as he does the last one, he crashes down on the cold floor.

He was so tired. This didn't feel good anymore. This wasn't his usual high. Louis felt sick. He just wanted to sleep.

He didn't want to do this anymore. He just wanted Harry here with him to take care of him. He didn't want to be alone on the bathroom floor.

He didn't want to go like this.

Louis curls up in a fetal position on the floor, closing his eyes. He was just going to rest for a couple of seconds. What could that hurt? Maybe when he woke up, he'd feel better. Maybe when he woke up, he'd be honest with Harry about his drug use and they'd get him help.

Maybe when he woke up, Louis would be clean again.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> -
> 
> -  
> _
> 
> SUICIDE
> 
> PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH THIS
> 
> YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN A CHAPTER
> 
> (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255)

Harry opens the door to his and Louis' home, smelling the familiar smell of tobacco and vanilla. Louis hadn't answered the phone this morning, so Harry was excited to finally talk to him today. It had been two weeks since he saw his beautiful boy, and he just wanted to hold him again.

"Lou! 'M home, love." Harry calls out, dropping his bags on the floor. When he doesn't answer, Harry furrows his eyebrows. This wasn't like Louis. Normally when Harry came home from tour, Louis was waiting at the door, jumping on him, wrapping his legs around his waist.

And where was Clifford? Clifford was normally right at the door, too. Harry slowly walks into the living room, looking for his boys. The car was here, so he knew Louis wasn't out anywhere. Harry glances around the room for any sign of where Louis might be.

After looking around the living room, Harry walked upstairs to their bedroom. As soon as he opens the door, a disgusting smell hitting his nose. Harry scrunches his nose up, walking over to the bathroom door to find it closed. As he walks closer, the smell grows stronger.

When Harry opens the door, his whole world changes. He finds Louis on the bathroom floor, Clifford with his head on Louis' stomach. Clifford looks up at Harry, whimpering. Harry quickly looks over to the bathroom counter, seeing the white powder in a line. Harry looks back over to Louis, rushing over to him.

What the hell had happened? Was Louis okay? Where did he get the drugs?

Harry kneels beside Louis, picking his head up. "Lou. Louis. Hey, I'm home. I'm here." Harry says, tears streaming down his face. Louis' face was grey and his eyes were open, staring at the ceiling. Harry tries to resist the urge to gag at the smell.

Harry quickly lowers his head down to Louis' chest, searching for a heartbeat. When Harry can't find one, he desperately wraps his large hand around Louis' tiny wrist, searching there for one.

"Fuck. Baby, please. Come on, I'm here." Harry cries, cradling his head in his hands.

Harry could feel his heart breaking in his chest, his throat tightening. Harry sobs, holding Louis as close as he can.

No. Louis can't be gone. Louis couldn't go like this. Not when he promised that Harry would never have to live without him.

"Lou, please come back. I promise I'll do anything. Just please come back. I swear I'll love you like I should've, I'll give you anything you want, please just come back." Harry begs, tears falling onto Louis' chest.

Louis couldn't go. Not before they got to be together. They had 4 more years before they could be together, he couldn't go now. Not before Harry got the chance to love him like he should've loved him all along.

"No. I need you, Lou. I can't do this without you, just hold on, yeah? Please, just hold on for a little longer."

_

After two hours of sitting in the bathroom floor, Harry finally musters up enough strength to call 911. He wasn't sure who else to call. Louis was already gone. He had been gone since last night.

Once the ambulance comes, they have to fight Harry to get him off of Louis. Harry keeps begging, sobbing.

He keeps begging Louis for one more chance to do things the right way. He should've been doing things the right way all along, but it was too late now.

"Sir, I know you don't want to but you have to let go. We have to take him." The EMT pleads. Harry shakes his head, holding onto Louis tighter.

Mitch rushes in, running over to Harry. He grabs his arms, pulling him off of Louis. Mitch stands Harry up, pulling him to his chest.

"Hey... Hey. I'm here. It's gonna be okay." Mitch mumbles, holding Harry's head to his chest, stopping him from watching them take Louis away.

Harry sobs into his chest, wrapping his arms around him. "M-Mitch, what did I do? What did I do?" He repeats, choking on his own sobs.

Mitch rubs his back. "You didn't do anything, Harry." Mitch whispers.

Harry keeps sobbing, never stopping to take a breath.

This was all Harry's fault, he knew it. There was no point in lying, Louis did this because of him. Because he had signed that stupid fucking contract.

The EMT comes back in the bathroom, handing Mitch a small journal. "This was on the bed." She states.

Mitch nods, whispering a 'thank you'.

Mitch pulls Harry over to the bed, sitting him down. "H, do you think you wanna read this?" He asks, squatting in front of his legs.

Harry sniffles, wiping his eyes. Could he read this right now? Maybe it would give him answers as to what had happened between their phone call last night and right now.

He slowly nods, taking a deep breath.

Mitch gives him a soft smile, wiping away his own tears. He hands Harry the journal.

"Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go downstairs?" He asks.

Harry opens the journal. There was no way he could do this without his best friend.

"Stay." He whispers. Mitch nods, sitting next to him on the bed.

Harry takes a deep breath, reading the first line.

"Harry... My beautiful boy. I'm so sorry this is how it had to be. Maybe if we had met in another lifetime, we could've made it. I could've made it. Please don't be mad at me. That's the last thing I want. No, the last thing I want is for you to think I did this to punish you."

"I did this to free you, Harry. Don't you see that? Now you can be happy. Truly happy. Harry, promise me that you won't blame yourself. You loved me the best you could've loved me. You loved me so good. So fucking good. You were each and every one of my dreams come true."

"Meeting you at 18 was the best thing I ever did. Loving you was the best thing I ever did. Harry, never stop singing. If you keep singing, I'll keep listening. Keep singing and I'll always be there right with you."

"And for God's sake, Harry, stop listening to what Simon says. That's supposed to be a child's game, not a lifestyle. Don't let him dictate your life. I did this for us. I did this for me, because nothing could've made me happy. Nothing could've made me better. I truly believe that even after the contract ended, I wouldn't have been happy."

"I think my depression and drug use went deeper than we ever thought it did. I was suffering even before I met you. Please, don't think that you had anything to do with this. This was my decision. I love you so much, my beautiful boy. Promise me three things. 1, you'll keep singing. 2, you'll take good care of our son. 3, you'll take good care of my mum and my siblings."

"Don't worry about me. I'll see you again in another lifetime. A lifetime where we can be together and where depression and drugs don't exist."

"Hazza, keep dreaming big, yeah? I'll see you around. I love you xx"

"Ps. Sorry about the Tweet. Decided to go out with a bang. Hope you don't mind."

Harry wipes his eyes, furrowing his eyebrows.

Tweet?

Harry quickly pulls his phone out, going on Twitter.

His jaw drops when he sees Louis' first and only tweet.

"Always in my heart @Harry_Styles . Yours sincerely, Louis."

Holy shit.

Harry can't help himself from smiling. Typical Louis.

Mitch looks over at Harry, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Mitch's eyes were red, like he was trying to hold back tears.

"Are you okay?" He asks quietly.

Harry takes a deep breath. Was he okay? Hell no. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be okay again. Even after reading Louis' letter, he wasn't sure why he decided to do this. None of it made sense. Nothing would ever make sense again without Louis.

Harry's favorite part of himself was gone. How was he supposed to go on without the boy he had loved since he was 16?

Harry shakes his head. "No, 'm not." He answers.

Mitch gives him a small smile. "Me either."


	32. Chapter 32

*2 months later*

"This is ridiculous, really, guys." Harry mumbles, shaking his head.

Sarah laughs, laying her head on Harry's shoulder.

"It's not! Maybe if you'd have gone out with us one of the million times we asked, we wouldn't have to resort to these measures." She teases Harry.

It had been two months since Harry found Louis in the bathroom and this was the first time he had been out of the house since then.

Simon was pissed that Harry was taking time off from tour, but he didn't press too hard on it. Harry was suspicious, but he was too tired to question it.

Now, Harry and Mitch and Sarah were in the back of a van taking them to an undisclosed location. They had shown up at Harry's house (like they did once a week since Louis overdosed) and forced him into the van.

"Well, I'm sorry that I don't feel like going out to party two months after my husband killed himself." Harry argues, rolling his eyes.

He knew they had good intentions, but were they really expecting him to move on this fast?

Mitch frowns. "Way to kill the mood, man." He mumbles.

After a couple more minutes of uncomfortable silence, the van stops. Harry rolls down the window to see tumbleweed and cacti.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Harry mumbles.

They couldn't be serious. They had kidnapped him and drug him to a desert? What the hell were they on?

Mitch and Sarah stay silent, grabbing their bags and getting out of the van. There were tents set up and a small fire pit. If Harry had been here under different circumstances, he would almost say it was romantic.

It's something Louis would've loved to do.

Harry grabs his bags and follows Mitch. "What are we doing here?" He asks.

Mitch turns around to face him, walking backward. "We are going to spend two weeks here. We're going to do nothing but write, eat, sleep, and get high." He explains.

Harry shakes his head. This isn't what he wanted to do. He wanted to be home.

_

After everyone settles into their tents and they eat dinner, they're all around the fire pit. Mitch is holding his guitar, lightly strumming.

Sarah stands up and walks to Harry's tent before coming back over and handing Harry a small journal.

It was Louis' journal. Harry hadn't read anything in the journal except for the letter that Louis wrote before he overdosed. He wasn't sure if Louis wanted him to read anything else.

Harry grabs the journal from Sarah. "Why'd you pack this?" He asks.

When Sarah and Mitch showed up at his house, they went upstairs and packed a bag for Harry.

Sarah smiles. "You should read it. Maybe it'll give you something to write about." She explains.

Harry furrows his eyebrows. "'M not reading this. I don't think he wanted me to."

Sarah rolls her eyes, sitting next to Mitch. "Of course, he did. He wouldn't have written his letter in the journal if he didn't want you to know about the journal."

Harry takes a deep breath. She had a point. Harry reaches into the cooler next to him, grabbing the first thing he could get his hands on.

Harry almost gags when he realizes he picked up a beer. He hated beer, but it was the only thing that would be able to get him through reading the journal.

"H, you think you should be drinking?" Mitch warns, halting his movements on the guitar

Harry had gotten into the habit of drinking a little more than he should, but could anyone really blame him?

It never got bad, Harry never got violent when he was drunk. It wasn't a problem, so why was Mitch acting like it was?

"Mitch, let me know when you have to read a journal that your dead husband left for you. I'll make sure to lecture you when you reach for a beer to get through it, too." Harry mumbles, taking a sip of the cold beer.

Sarah raises an eyebrow, cocking her head to the side.

Harry shakes his head, reading the first page in the book.

Louis had written about how much he adored Harry. He had written about how he'd do anything for him if it meant that he really got to be with him.

Harry blushes when he reads the sentences about Harry's tan skin during the summer months and his pink lips that Louis loved so much.

It was refreshing to read what Louis had written about Harry. Harry listens as Mitch starts strumming the guitar again.

Harry's jaw drops. "Holy shit. He wrote me a song and he didn't even mean to." Harry mumbles.

Mitch stops playing again. "What?" He asks.

Harry looks up at Mitch. "Keep playing." He orders, before looking back down at the pages. "You don't have to say you love me, you don't have to say nothing, you don't have to say you're mine." Harry mumbles, singing as he reads the words.

Mitch quickly picks up, nodding over to Sarah. She presses the record button on her phone, watching the two boys write a song with Louis' words.

Harry keeps singing, re-wording Louis' words written on the paper. When Harry runs out of words, he looks over at Mitch.

This felt good. It felt good to get things out. It felt good to know how Louis felt about Harry. Harry had spent so much time over the past two months convincing himself that Louis hated him for putting him through what he had.

"Thank you." Harry quietly says.

Mitch smiles, giving him a nod.

_

After reading more pages and writing more songs from Louis' words, Harry heads to bed. He opens the journal to the first clean page, pulling his pen out. He closes his eyes, thinking back to the time when Simon had to drag him to the car in order for Harry to leave Louis.

Louis' eyes had never looked more blue than they had that day. Louis' eyes always seemed to be more blue when he was crying. Harry hated seeing him cry, but he looked so damn good doing it.

Louis had said that all Harry ever did was leave. Looking back, Harry saw now that it was true. Louis was so hard to leave, but that's all Harry ever did.

Harry opens his eyes, writing down his thoughts on the paper. Whenever he felt like Louis hated him, he'd think back to tonight, camping under the moon with his friends. He'd think back to the words Louis had written for him.

Harry thinks back to Louis telling him that Harry would have to come home every two weeks when he was on tour. Harry was so thankful for that rule. It gave him more time with his boy.

Harry finishes writing and lays back down, closing the journal.

It had been a hard two months without Louis. Harry was trying his best to get better. Nothing ever worked. He was just home with Clifford surrounded by pictures and memories of Louis. Mitch and Sarah were sweet enough that they would stop by once a week to make sure Harry was eating and showering, but Harry was still alone.

Right after it happened, Harry's mum and sister had flown to LA to stay with him for a week. They were both devastated. Harry was glad when they left because it meant that he could start drinking again.

Harry had picked up drinking, but it wasn't anything serious. It's not like he was drunk all the time, he just needed a little extra something to get him through the day.

Harry is starting to understand why Louis turned to drugs. But Harry would never let it get that bad. He knew how much he could handle.

Harry closes his eyes, turning over on his side. Maybe tonight he'd actually get some sleep.

_

The next morning, Harry wakes up to hear Sarah and Mitch outside of his tent.

"Mitch, maybe you should just leave it alone. He's obviously having a tough time." Sarah whispers.

Harry rubs his eyes, sitting up.

He had slept like shit last night, but that was nothing new. Harry had been having trouble sleeping for the last 2 months.

What was Sarah talking about?

"Yeah, that's why I'm doing this. He needs to get out of this funk." Mitch says.

Sarah sighs. "It's not a funk. His husband died."

Harry raises an eyebrow. Did Mitch seriously just call Louis' death a "funk"?

Harry throws a sweater on along with his sweatpants and unzips the tent. When he steps outside, Sarah and Mitch stop talking. Mitch smiles at Harry, opening his arms.

"There he is! Big day ahead." He exclaims.

Okay, this was weird. Mitch was never this excited. Harry watches as Sarah rolls her eyes and walks off.

"Big day? Thought we were coming here to relax." Harry mumbles, scratching the back of his neck.

As Harry says that, a car pulls up. It's not a car Harry recognizes. When the car stops, a guy in his mid-twenties steps out of the car.

Wasn't this trip just supposed to be Sarah, Mitch, and Harry? Who was this guy?

He was tall, blonde hair, medium build. Harry looks over to Mitch, raising an eyebrow.

Harry had a feeling Mitch had something to do with this.

"This is Sam! He's gonna camp out with us for a few days." Mitch explains as Sam walks over.

Whatever. Harry had no interest in learning anything more about this guy. He just wanted to get this camping trip over with and go back home.

Sam walks up, shooting Harry a wide smile. "It's so good to meet you! Huge fan." He says.

Harry nods, picking up a banana from the basket of food. He takes a bite before nodding. "Cool." He answers, mouth full of banana.

Mitch frowns, grabbing Harry's hand. He drags him a couple hundred feet away from the boy before finally speaking.

"What's your problem?" Mitch asks.

Harry wasn't aware he had a problem, but okay.

"I don't have a problem." Harry answers.

"You do. Sam is a nice guy, thought it'd be cool for you to have someone to hang out with. Don't be rude." Mitch mumbles.

Harry raises an eyebrow, looking over to Sam. Mitch wanted him to hang out with Sam? He couldn't be serious. He wasn't seriously trying to set him up with someone two months after Louis overdosed.

"You're trying to set me up with him." Harry simply states.

Mitch's eyes widen. "No. I'm not. Just wanted you to have someone here. You looked sad last night."

"And you thought a random guy would make me feel better?"

Mitch scoffs. "Harry, I'm not trying to set you up. Don't even think Sam is into guys." Mitch lies.

It's Harry's turn to scoff.

"Sam!" Harry yells, causing the blonde boy to look over at them. "You gay?"

Mitch groans as Sam shouts back an enthusiastic "Yes!"

This was ridiculous. He didn't expect Mitch to do something like this. Especially not two months after the fact.

"Fucking ridiculous." Harry whispers, shaking his head. He was hurt. Did nobody else miss Louis? Was everyone else over it?

Mitch frowns. "You've been moping around, you've got to get out and have a good time." Mitch says.

"Fun? Oh, I forgot. I'm supposed to be completely healed from my husband's suicide two months after it happened. My bad." Harry argues, going back into his tent and grabbing his things.

He was done with this. He was done being pitied. He was done being pushed around and treated like he was broken. He was going home.

"Harry, where are you going?" Mitch asks, following Harry.

Harry doesn't answer as he walks over to the car Sam is standing at. Harry opens the door, throwing his bags in.

He turns to face Sam. "Take me home."


	33. Chapter 33

*1 year later*

"H, look at this! People are already talking about your album and it hasn't even come out yet." Mitch says, showing Harry his phone screen. Harry slowly nods, pulling his eyes away from the screen.

"People are talking about it because I'm a gay 24-year-old widow. Not because I'm good." Harry mumbles, lifting his coffee up to his lips.

Mitch rolls his eyes. "Seriously, Harry? Sure, people talked about it for the first couple of months, but they're over it now. It was just a shock." Mitch says.

Harry scoffs, raising his eyebrow. "No, me storming into Simon's office and knocking him out was a shock. My husband of three years outing us before he killed himself was a disaster." Harry argues, walking over to his desk at the studio.

"Stop talking about Louis like that. You know he never would've done it if he thought you had a problem with people knowing. He knew you were fine with it, it was Simon he was trying to piss off." Mitch says.

Harry sighs, knowing he's right. It had been over a year since Louis' suicide and things weren't getting any easier for him.

After the camping trip incident, Harry had pushed everyone away. That way, nobody would be let down by the fact that he wasn't getting any better than the day it happened. It took Harry a couple of months before he finally let Mitch back in, and that was the only person he allowed to come over.

Since then, Harry's drinking had gotten worse. When he first started drinking, he was doing it just occasionally. Now, Harry constantly had alcohol in his system.

He had actually snuck alcohol into his coffee that he was drinking right now. Not the best taste, but it was effective.

It was the only thing that could get Harry through the feelings he was dealing with. Over the past year, Harry's developed new feelings about Louis' suicide.

Harry was angry at Louis. He wasn't sad anymore, he wasn't grieving, he was angry.

Louis had given up. Louis had decided that they were no longer worth fighting for. Louis had decided that Harry's fame was more important than Louis' life. And he never told Harry that he felt that way.

When Louis had overdosed, Harry had done another one of his drug sweeps, searching each and every room. He knew there were no drugs in the house. This lead to him snooping around, finding out that Simon had called Louis right before Louis overdosed.

After a little more digging, he found out that Simon had been leaving drugs for Louis to take. This led to Harry marching in Simon's office and knocking him out. He wanted to do worse- a lot worse- but Simon's security stopped him before he had the chance.

"Harry, you want to reread your note? Make sure you're still okay with it?" Jeff, Harry's new manager, asked.

Harry snaps his head over to him, giving him a quick nod. He hands Harry a copy of his album. His fourth album was set to come out in a week.

After the incident with Simon, Harry decided he was done with him.

He wasn't going to listen to anything he had to say ever again. Simon had robbed Harry of his freedom, he had robbed Louis of his life, and he had robbed them both of love.

So, Harry was planning of robbing Simon of a little bit of money by finding another label.

After finding Jeff and his record label, Jeff had told Harry to take some time off before starting. Harry had refused, insisting that Louis wanted him to keep singing. Louis had promised that if Harry kept singing, he would stay around.

Harry couldn't risk stopping, afraid that Louis was watching him and would be disappointed. Harry's fourth album would be dedicated to Louis. After his fans saw what Louis had tweeted, they connected the dots.

Harry had never been asked about it, so he hadn't publicly addressed the rumors. But that was about to change. Harry had written his fourth album about Louis, a couple of the songs actually written by Louis.

After reading his journal, Harry turned Louis' words into songs.

Harry takes a deep breath, opening his album to reveal the dedication note at the front.

"This album is dedicated to my sun. You always said I was your sun, but you were mine. You were always so sure of who you were, burning so brightly. I've been without my sun for over a year, but the warm feeling left on my skin from your love is always with me. Thank you for being my biggest inspiration as a 16-year old. Thank you for all of the late night practices that would turn into lazy mornings wrapped up in bed together.

Thank you for always being open about who you were, inspiring me to find my peace with who I am. My sun, I was broken when you found me. Your openness saved me. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. My Golden boy, loving you was always the antidote for the poison that we endured. Thank you for making me feel Golden.

You cheeky, cheeky boy. I miss that about you. I'll forever be thankful that you were my one and only. You didn't know if you could go without my Watermelon Sugar high, but I knew I couldn't go without you. I still don't think I can.

Lou, thank you for adoring me like I never deserved to be adored. You would've walked through fire to be with me and I should've done the same. I know I didn't have to say that I was yours, but you deserved for everyone to know that I was yours. They'll never forget it now. I'll always Adore You.

My beautiful boy, thank you for showing me toward the light. As soon as I saw you, I knew you would make a difference in my life. I wasn't sure just how true that would become. Because of you, I can finally be proud of who I am and I can say I'm never going back to hiding that. I've lost too much hiding in the dark, I'm going to keep my Lights Up just like you did.

My Cherry baby... I will never forgive myself for what I did to you. Just know, I never called them what I called you. Never apologize for being selfish. After what I did to you, you had every right to be selfish.

Louis, you were Falling and I never even noticed. I never knew how hard you were falling or how fast you were falling. You were always someone I wanted around. Your wandering hands were never the problem. You were never the problem. You will forever be someone I talk about. I'll never stop.

You never knew it, but I found a note you had written when we were young. I found it when I was cleaning out our room when we moved out of Princess Park. You wrote the note after I hadn't spoken to you for four months, too scared to face the truth. I'm so sorry I pushed you away, forcing you To Be So Lonely. I hate myself every day for wasting those precious 4 months with you.

You didn't write She, but you still get credit for it. Because of you, I'm completely comfortable with who I am. Without you, I would've never explored that side of myself.

My Sunflower... When we met, I spent so much time trying not to talk to you, trying to convince myself that I didn't have feelings for you. Deep down, I knew I had fallen for you before I really even got the chance to know you. I will always miss our toothpaste-filled mornings.

After you left, I went camping with our friends. It was a short trip, but it taught me so much more about you. I read the journal you left me, converting your words into songs. I'm so sorry that all I ever did was leave. I will always be thankful for your two-week rule, giving me more time with you. I only wish that I had been there for you that night. I will always honor your rule, never leaving home for more than two weeks at a time.

Treat People With Kindness. I wish you could've been here long enough to find a place where you felt good. I wish I could've been that place for you. I wish I could've given you the good feelings you always gave me. I'm slowly learning to be okay with your death. I know it's going to be okay eventually.

My sun, our love was always a Fine Line between beautiful and ugly. We were either screaming at each other or reading each other our favorite books in the bath. We were either walking away from each other or so tangled up in the sheets with each other that we never wanted to leave. I wish I could take away every ugly memory, replacing them with beautiful ones.

You never knew it, but every time I had to be with someone else, I'd have to drink before I met with them so I could bear being with them. I'm sure you noticed I never smelled like myself when I came home, because I'd have to drown myself in perfume and cologne to get rid of the smell of alcohol. I'm so sorry I was never honest with you about that.

You were always my biggest and best risk. When I met you, I had no idea what you were doing to me. All I knew was that I liked it. I didn't care what the risk was, I just knew I couldn't resist you. You were always my temptation and I folded every time I was with you.

We're going to be okay. I am going to be okay.

Louis, I might've always been in your heart, but you are always engraved in my soul. You are seeping through every crack in my skin, every pore in my face. You are tangled up with every limb on my body. You are laced with every breath I breathe in.

You will forever be my only love. I'll never stop singing, so never leave.

To my fans, play this album every day. Maybe if we all play it as loud as possible, every day, he'll come back to me."


	34. Chapter 34

After approving his letter, Harry went home. All he wanted was to get so drunk he didn't remember what happened.

This had been his daily routine for a year. Go to the studio, pour his feelings out, go back home, get so drunk that he doesn't know why he got drunk.

Harry takes a deep breath, unlocking the door to the house that he and Louis had lived in for 4 and a half years together. Harry thought about moving, getting away from the memories, but he couldn't do it.

Clifford was too attached to Louis' side of the bed for Harry to even consider it for longer than 5 seconds. Harry couldn't blame him, he was just as bad.

As soon as the door opens, Clifford is barreling towards Harry, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

Before Louis left, Harry was never Clifford's favorite person. Harry was gone too much to build a bond with Clifford, so Louis was automatically Clifford's choice. But here they were, a year later, best friends. Harry squats down, holding his arms out.

Harry was okay with being Clifford's second choice. He was just glad Cliff had gotten closer to him. The house was lonely without Louis' laugh to fill it up and it felt good to know that someone was waiting on you to get home.

Some days, Harry believes Cliff is the only reason he hasn't drunk himself into oblivion yet.

"Come on, Cliff. Give it t' me." Harry says, preparing himself for impact. When Clifford finally crashes into him, he knocks Harry over.

Harry laughs, letting Clifford lick him all over. Harry catches a glimpse of Clifford's personalized dog tag on his collar. Louis had gotten it for Clifford for his first Christmas with the boys.

It was a regular dog collar, but it had a picture on the dog tag. The other side had their information if he ever got lost. Harry grabs the dog tag between his thumb and his forefinger, examining it.

He remembers that day like it was just yesterday. Harry quickly lets go of the tag, feeling himself grow sad. This wasn't part of his routine. He didn't have time to reminisce.

He didn't want to reminisce. He didn't want to remember anything. It hurt too much. Louis had left him all alone, to deal with the aftermath of his suicide. Harry was the one that had to tell Louis' family about it. He was the one that had to watch Johannah fall to her knees, causing the siblings to step up and take care of her.

Harry was the one left with the sadness and the anger. Why should Harry spend another second thinking about Louis?

Harry stands up, going into the kitchen. He pulls cooked chicken out of the refrigerator, placing it in Clifford's bowl. Harry goes over to his cabinet, pouring himself a glass of scotch. He places his hands on the edge of the counter, dropping his head down to his chest. Louis would be so disappointed with him.

Everyone knew not to come over to Harry's house. They knew they'd find him blackout drunk, screaming at the ceiling. His own family never called anymore. After Harry unexpectedly left the camping trip with Mitch and Sarah, everyone knew it was pointless to try to reach out to Harry. He would never call back, he'd never send a text, he'd just be in his house drinking himself to death.

Mitch was the only one that continued to reach out to Harry after he stormed out on the camping trip. Mitch would always bring Harry food to make sure he was actually eating. He would try to get Harry's mind off of it, and for a month after he stormed out, it actually worked.

It stopped working the first time Harry could almost swear he heard Louis' voice down the hall one night. Ever since that night, he stayed drunk at home. Harry clenches his jaw, before reaching for his glass and downing the whole thing in one sip.

He felt like such a shit person. He had been a shit boyfriend, a shit husband, a shit son, a shit brother, and a shit best friend. He pushed Louis away the whole time he was alive, he pushed his family away so he could be isolated, he pushed Mitch away... Literally.

"Harry... You're drunk again? Come on, Louis wouldn't want this and you know that." Mitch said, placing the bag of food down on the table. Harry scoffs, his eyes glazed over. "Yeah, well I didn't want Louis to kill himself, but he did it, didn't he?" Harry mumbles, taking another sip of his drink.

Mitch sighs, walking over to Harry's cabinet full of alcohol. Harry watches as Mitch pours a whole bottle of whiskey down the drain. Harry quickly jumps up, rushing over to him. He grabs Mitch's hand. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Harry shouts, pushing Mitch away from the sink.

"That's enough, Harry. I know things have been hard for you, but you can't stay drunk all the time! You have to start getting better!" Mitch shouts, pushing Harry back. Harry shakes his head, chuckling. "You don't get it. What if Sarah killed herself because you couldn't love her the way she needed? Would you go out and fuck another girl immediately after they lowered her into the ground?" Harry spits.

Mitch frowns, shaking his head. "Don't you dare talk about her like that. Of course, I wouldn't, Harry. Harry wipes his eyes, tears slipping out. "Get out of my house, and don't come back."

Harry sighs, feeling guilty at the memory. He pours himself another glass, and another glass, and another glass, until he's so drunk he doesn't remember why he started drinking. He's stumbling everywhere now, his vision blurred.

He stumbles over to his record player in his room, playing Louis' favorite song.

"You like that? Will you come back if I keep playing it?" Harry slurs, sitting on the edge of the bed, drinking straight out of the bottle now.

Harry stays silent for a moment, before starting again. "Said you'd never leave if I kept singing. I'm fucking singing, Lou. Haven't stopped since you left, you're still gone. 'S that about?" Harry shouts, tears falling down his face.

At that moment, the bathroom door creaks, causing Harry's head to snap over to look. Harry stares for a couple more moments before the door creaks again. Harry sniffles. "There you are." He mumbles.

Immediately after Louis' funeral, Harry started seeing things around the house. He would come in from a long day at the studio, smelling his favorite meal that Louis would always attempt to cook. Louis couldn't cook and he knew that, but he always tried.

Harry would walk onto their balcony, smelling the cigarettes that Louis always smoked. After a couple weeks, Harry started smoking his cigarettes just to feel closer to him. Harry would lay in bed at night, barely breathing, because he could swear that he heard Louis laughing in the living room.

Harry found himself walking around in Louis' tiny shirts, just to smell him on his skin again. This is why Harry had started drinking, because this was all too much. It was torture for him. Every time he heard a laugh, smelled him cooking, or smelled his cigarettes, his mind started torturing him.

Wondering if he hadn't gone on the X-Factor when he was 16, if Louis would still be here? Wondering if he hadn't signed a second contract, if he and Louis would've adopted several little kids. Wondering if he had just fought for their love, if he had been proud of who he was, if Louis would be in bed next to him.

He knew he was wrong for feeling the way he did, but being angry was easier than being sad. If Harry allowed himself to be sad about Louis' death, he might not make it. Harry had never been good at processing his feelings.

Harry couldn't allow himself to still be in love with Louis, pining for him. It was hopeless. All he could do was be angry with himself and with Louis.


	35. Chapter 35

*1 week later*

"H? You ready?" Mitch asks, putting his guitar strap around his neck. Harry nods, copying his motions. Harry's album had come out today, and he was performing a concert tonight to play every song on the album. This was his first concert since the last one he did, the night that Louis left.

Harry was more nervous than he had ever been. Would he be able to get through his concert without breaking down? This would also be the first time he was interacting with fans after they found out about Louis' and Harry's secret relationship. Would they be supportive?

Harry takes a deep breath, walking on stage. The lights were blinding and the screams were deafening. Harry waves his hand up, plastering a fake smile on his lips. Harry wanted to do this so badly, but he wasn't sure if it was the best idea.

Harry walks up to the microphone, closing his eyes for a moment. He breathes out a shaky breath, the arena falling silent. Everyone's eyes were on him. Harry opens his eyes, glancing behind him to see Mitch giving him a thumbs up.

Harry smiles, feeling lucky that he has a best friend that still loves him after everything. Harry looks back into the crowd, quietly strumming his guitar. "Hello..." He starts, his voice shaky. The crowd repeats it back to him. Harry continues strumming the guitar.

"If you've already bought my album, you know why tonight is an important night for me. Tonight is the first time I've performed since my husband left. Every song, every lyric, every melody, every chord, everything I do tonight is for him." Harry breathes out, looking up at the open sky.

The crowd erupts in cheers as Harry nods over at Mitch, signaling that he's ready to start. As soon as Harry starts singing Golden, thousands of posters are put up.

Harry's eyes scan each one, seeing the different phrases. Some of the fans had printed out the Tweet Louis had sent out a year ago. Some of them had encouraging words on their posters.

Louis would be so proud if he was here. Harry had no doubt Louis would have a poster of his own, telling Harry 'I told you so' about how his fans would be supportive of them if they knew.

Harry hates that he took that away from Louis. Louis would've loved all of this support. He would've loved to see Harry finally truly accept himself.

Each poster made Harry tear up. Harry eventually had to close his eyes so he would be able to get through the songs.

After each passing song, Harry found himself not mourning over Louis' death, instead, celebrating his life.

Harry could feel the anger slowly melting away, instead being replaced with thankfulness.

Thankful that he got to love someone as amazing as Louis. Thankful that he met him as young as he had, getting almost 7 years with him. Thankful that Louis stuck around when he should've left him.

"What if I'm someone you won't talk about? I'm fallin' again, I'm fallin'-" Harry sings, before he feels tears streaming down his cheeks. Harry looks back at the band, jerking his head up, telling them to finish singing. Harry had always had trouble singing this song.

He couldn't bear the thought that Louis had felt like this. Did he really feel like Harry wouldn't need him as long as he had the fame? That couldn't have been further than the truth. All Harry ever needed was Louis.

Harry rests his forehead on the microphone stand, trying to hold back his sobs. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to forgive himself for not realizing how Louis was feeling.

When the band finishes the song, Harry composes himself enough to sing the remaining 6 songs without breaking down again.

Before Harry performs his last song, he takes a deep breath. He glances over at the fan that had been holding up his pride flag for the whole concert, waving it around.

Harry smiles, finding it brave that a boy no older than 16 was so confident in who he was. Harry could've never been so brave at that age, he was too busy running from who he was.

Halfway through the song, Harry glances back to the fan. This concert was for Louis. This song was for Louis. Louis was always proud of who he was, only hiding it because of Harry.

"Crisp trepidation, I'll try to shake this soon... Spreading you open is the only way I'll know you." Harry sings, taking a deep breath.

He starts singing the repeated lines, feeling a sense of bravery swell in his chest with every line.

He needed to be brave. Louis was always brave. Harry needed to do this. For Louis, for him, for them.

He never wanted his fans to feel the way either one of them had felt. He never wanted them to feel like they had to hide who they were, like Harry had. He never wanted them to feel like they were broken and a burden, like Louis had.

How was he supposed to sing about self-acceptance if he couldn't even accept himself?

Harry quickly motions to the fan to throw his flag on stage. Harry quickly runs over to the edge of the stage, grabbing it.

Harry continues singing the repeated lines, finally getting to the first "We'll be alright".

The lights go up, the band gets louder, and Harry feels free. Harry proudly holds up the flag for everyone to see, closing his eyes.

The crowd screams, jumping up and down. Harry watches as several other flags fly high in the crowd.

Asexual, bisexual, lesbian, transgender...

These were Harry's fans. He had been silly to think they wouldn't accept him. Simon had been an idiot to think he'd lose fans if he was open about who he was.

People needed a safe space and Harry was going to be that safe space. Louis had always been his safe space, he wishes he had been his safe space.

As the band plays, Harry takes in deep breaths, holding the flag up high. He wishes Louis was here to see him finally accept who he is.

As the song stops playing, the lights go down, the crowd continuing their screams. Harry falls to his knees, cradling the flag in his hands.

His declaration had come years too late. Harry quietly sobs, feeling proud of himself, but feeling sad for Louis.

What would've happened if he had done this when he was 16?

Harry was so sad for the lost years he could've spent happy and free, instead living them merely satisfied and imprisoned.

Mitch rushes over to him, crouching next to him.

"So proud of you, H." He whispers, grabbing his shoulders. "Let's get you backstage, yeah?"

Harry quickly nods, sniffling. He didn't want to break down in front of his fans.

He walks Harry off stage, Harry still clutching the flag. The flag was the his lifeline right now.

Once they're off stage, Mitch wraps Harry up in his arms. "Louis would've been so proud of you."

Harry buries his face in Mitch's shoulder, sobbing. Why couldn't he have done this when Louis was still alive?


	36. Chapter 36

After Mitch dropped Harry off at home, Harry immediately made his way to the kitchen. He goes to his cabinet, opening up a bottle of whiskey.

He doesn't even bother to pour it in a glass, just takes it into the bedroom, where he feels closest to Louis.

Harry couldn't believe he did that at his concert. He was so proud of himself.

But the longer he thought about it, the more he was sad for Louis. Louis should've been on that stage with him, holding up the same flag.

He sits on the edge of the bed, sitting in silence. He closes his eyes, taking a sip of the alcohol. Harry sighs. "Lou. I have to move on." Harry mumbles, a tear slipping out of his closed eyes.

Harry had been miserable for a year and he knew if he kept going down this path, he'd end up dead. He used to think that wasn't such a bad idea, but after tonight, Harry was reminded that he had so much to live for. He had to live for Louis. He had to do everything that Louis never got to do.

He had to live for his fans. After seeing how supportive they were tonight, he knew he would be okay. Harry's eyes open when he hears the bathroom door creak again. Harry slowly stands up, walking over to the bathroom.

He leans his forehead against the door, taking a deep breath. "You can't stay here, Lou. I'm slowly killing myself. I'll never move on if you're here." Harry cries. He hated telling Louis this. He didn't want Louis to leave, but he knew he had to let his mind stop holding Louis here.

The door slowly creaks again. Harry suddenly feels angry. "You're not taking me with you. You're not. You can't. I love you, Lou. I love you so fucking much. But I can't go." Harry sobs, shaking his head.

He quickly walks downstairs to the guest bathroom. He goes through the drawers, finding a screwdriver. He goes back upstairs to his bathroom. He takes the door off of the hinges, carrying it downstairs.

He had to do this. He would never get any peace if he didn't let Louis go. He would never survive if he held Louis hostage in his mind. Harry had to be strong, he had to hang on. Harry walks out to their backyard, placing the door on the ground.

Harry takes his phone out, dialing Mitch's number.

"Mitch? Need you to come over." Harry mumbles, sniffling. "Now? It's 2 in the morning." Mitch says, yawning.

Harry wipes his eyes. He couldn't do this by himself. He needed someone here with him. "Yes, now, Mitch." Harry says. Mitch is silent for a moment.

"What the hell are you doing?" Mitch asks, chuckling. Harry shakes his head, looking at the door. "Text me when you're on your way."

_

When Mitch gets there, Harry is sitting on the ground. His eyes are red, but not because he's been drinking. Mitch sits next to Harry, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

"What are we doing at 2 in the morning?" He asks.

Harry smiles softly, turning his head to look at him. "We are burning a door." He simply says, standing up. Mitch watches Harry as he grabs the bottle of whiskey, pouring it on the door.

Mitch raises an eyebrow. "First night in a year I've not seen you blackout drunk by now."

Harry slowly nods. "Yep. 'Ve decided I'm moving on. I'm holding Louis here and it's driving me crazy. Have to get him out of my head." Harry mumbles, grabbing Louis' lighter out of his pocket. 

Harry bends down, lighting the corner of the bathroom door on fire. Mitch stays silent, watching Harry. Harry sits back down next to Mitch, laying his head on his shoulder. They sit in silence as the door burns, burning away any presence of Louis in the home.

Harry fought back tears, reminding himself that the was doing this for the right reason. He still loved Louis, he would never stop. He still wanted Louis to come back, but he couldn't live life like this.

He had to let Louis go. He had to start living again. He hoped that Louis would understand.

"You think he'd be upset?" Harry quietly asks, his head still on Mitch's shoulder. Mitch chuckles, leaning his head on top of Harry's.

"Oh, yeah. Livid." He says, causing Harry to smile. If Louis was here, he'd kick Harry's ass for trying to kick him out of his own home.

Mitch takes a deep breath. "But I think he'd understand. He'd want you to get better. He never wanted to drag you down with him."

Harry slowly nods, his eyes never leaving the burning door. This symbolized so much for Harry. It was almost too intense to process.

This symbolized Harry's growth over the past almost 10 years. He would no longer spend his days ashamed of who he was. He had no reason to be ashamed. Nothing was wrong with him.

This symbolized his control over himself and his feelings. He didn't want to drink himself to death, he wouldn't allow it. The pain ended with Louis' death. He wouldn't spend his days drunk at home, thinking about what could've been.

Louis wouldn't have wanted that. Louis wanted Harry to be happy, that much was obvious. Harry still loved Louis, he always would.

He just had to love himself more.


	37. Chapter 37

*3 years later*

"Come on, Lou. Your dad's gonna be mad if we're late." Harry says, walking into the bathroom. Harry watches as the little boy giggles, shaking his head. "Not going." The boy says.

Harry laughs, picking the two-year-old boy up. He was a spitting image of his dad. "You have to, you're a very important part of this." Harry says, carrying the boy into the guest bedroom where his bags were.

Harry places the child on the bed before going over to his suitcase. "Your dad needs to just let you move in with me, yeah? You'd like that?" Harry asks, digging through the clothes to find his outfit.

Louis giggles, nodding his head.

Once Harry finds the boy's outfit, he slips his shirt off, replacing it with his nicer one. When the boy was first born, Harry had no idea how to do these things.

The first time he tried to change his diaper, he ended up needing a Youtube tutorial on it. As the years went on, Harry had become a pro at diaper changing, singing Baby Shark, and building tiny forts.

He was quite proud of himself.

After getting the boy dressed, Harry gets himself dressed. He was nervous. He wasn't sure why, he knew this day was going to come. Everyone knew it was going to come.

Mostly, he was happy. He wishes that Louis was here to witness this.

After getting dressed in his best clothes, Harry grabs the boy's bag and his car keys.

"Alright, Cliff. Protect the house while we're gone." Harry says, bending down to scratch his head.

Clifford huffs, never leaving his spot from the couch. Clifford loved the boy, but it had been an adjustment for him, too. The little boy was constantly riding on Clifford's back, stealing his toys, and laying on his side of Harry's bed when he stayed over.

Clifford didn't seem to mind too much, Harry could tell he loved the little boy almost as much as Harry did.

Harry holds the little boy's hand, walking him to the car. He fastens him into his carseat, finally driving off.

"We're a little late, but maybe your dad won't be too mad." Harry mumbles, turning on Baby Shark for the 20th time this weekend.

He had agreed to watch Mitch and Sarah's son while they got ready for their wedding. He didn't mind, he loved the little boy.

The night that Mitch had come over to help Harry burn the door, he had told Harry that Sarah had found out she was pregnant that day.

He immediately asked if Harry would be the godfather. Harry didn't hesitate at all, he loved kids.

When they found out Sarah was having a boy, the name was quite obvious. Mitch had kept it hidden until the boy was born.

Mitch had slapped a name tag on the boy's onesie when he was less than 24 hours old, handing him to his godfather.

When Harry read the name tag that said "Hi! My name's Louis!", he lost it. Mitch had explained that Louis was a great person to have your kid named after.

Harry had felt an immediate bond with the boy, sneaking him away for weekends at his house whenever he could.

At first, it was weird to say Louis' name out loud again. He hadn't said it out loud in over a year before the boy was born. Harry knew if Louis was still here, he'd be honored. He'd love nothing more than to babysit Mitch's son.

Harry wishes he had had the chance to give Louis kids like they had always talked about. He knew they'd both be amazing parents, if they'd ever had the chance.

That's why any chance Harry had, he'd constantly show the boy photos of Louis and tell him about his uncle who had to go away too soon.

"Miss mummy." Louis mumbles, sticking his bottom lip out.

Harry looks back in the rearview mirror, chuckling. "Know you do, buddy. You'll get to see her for a couple of hours tonight before they go on their trip. Then you get to come back to my place!" Harry says, trying his best to cheer the boy up.

Louis was always such a good child, he never gave Harry any problems. He knew it was hard on the boy, having two parents and one uncle who constantly traveled, but Harry always allowed him to come on tour.

He'd never ever leave someone he loved at home while he was on tour again.

When the boys pull up at the wedding, Louis immediately runs up to his dad. Mitch bends down, picking the little boy up.

"Have fun at Uncle Harry's?" He asks, pressing a kiss to the little boy's cheek.

Louis shakes his head, scrunching up his nose. "No." He lies, giggling. Harry smiles and rolls his eyes. He knew the boy had had fun this weekend.

They had spent the weekend laying in blanket forts and watching cartoons. What more could a kid want?

When the music starts, Mitch carries Louis over to the front of the church, Harry following closely behind. He stands beside of Mitch, watching as Sarah walks down the aisle.

_

After the ceremony was over, they were all dancing and eating. Harry was trying to find an excuse for leaving, but he couldn't think of one.

It's not that he didn't want to be here, he did. He wanted to celebrate his best friends. But he couldn't help but be reminded of his wedding to Louis.

He was doing better about everything, but certain things triggered his memory and made him want to drink again.

Mitch sits down next to Harry, snapping him out of his thoughts. "If it's too much, you can leave. I'll understand." He says, placing his hand on his shoulder. Harry smiles, taking a deep breath.

"It's a lot, I'll say that much. I wanna stay though." He says. As much as he wanted to leave, he couldn't bear to leave his friend alone at his wedding. This was Mitch and Sarah's day, he wouldn't ruin it by going home early.

Mitch raises an eyebrow. "It's not hard to be around all of this alcohol? I told everyone not to bring any alcohol, but I guess they didn't listen." Mitch mumbles, rolling his eyes.

Harry hadn't drank a drop of alcohol since that night three years ago. Harry was in therapy, staying sober, and focusing on making music. He had promised himself that he would better himself.

As soon as Louis was born, he felt that he needed to be a good role model for him. He wanted to get cleaned up. He had something to live for. Mitch has no idea that his son was a big reason that Harry was still here.

"Don't worry about it, I can handle myself." Harry says, standing up from his chair. "Go dance with your wife." He finishes, patting Mitch on the shoulder.

Mitch gives Harry a small smile, standing up and walking over to Sarah. Harry watches them dance for a minute before turning around and heading toward the bathroom. Harry locks the door behind him, slowly walking over to the sink.

Harry places his hands on the edge of the sink, dropping his chin to his chest, sighing. Ever since he burnt the bathroom door, he hadn't felt like Louis was around. At first, it was miserable. After the months went by, Harry finally felt relieved. He didn't feel quite as guilty anymore.

He felt like he could finally move on. After the years passed, Harry suddenly felt upset by the lack of Louis' presence. He just wanted a sign that Louis was still around. Harry was still singing, so why wasn't Louis still around?

Harry lifts his head, looking around the bathroom. He opens his arms, taking a deep breath. "Come on, Lou. I'm here. Show me something... Give me something." Harry mumbles, tears stinging his eyes.

After a moment of silence, a moment of absolutely nothing, Harry drops his arms. He felt silly even doing this. Of course, Louis wasn't going to do anything. Louis was dead. He was gone. He had been gone for 4 years.

As the years went on, Harry slowly convinced himself that the creaking doors, the faint smell of dinner cooking, the smell of Louis' cigarettes could've all been chalked up to Harry's insanity after losing someone you've loved for 7 years.

Louis is gone, Harry reminds himself. Harry shakes his head, walking toward the door. As soon as his hand touches the doorknob to unlock it, the stall door creaks. Every hair on Harry's neck stands up as his eyes widen.

Harry turns back around, smirking. "There's my boy."


End file.
